Summer 2010 Preview

SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW 2010:
PART I

page 3

June 4th
Killers

Three years into their perfect suburban marriage, Jen (Katherine Heigl) learns that her husband Spencer (Ashton Kutcher) is not only an undercover assassin - he's also a target worth millions of dollars to a clutch of fellow assassins who have been trailing the couple in secret since they met.

JC: By the Predators title logic, this must be a sequel to John Woo's The Killer 20 years down the line. I'd sign on to that: an eyeless Chow Yun Fat redeeming himself by wandering the land Zatoichi-style gunning down pimps and murderers? Maybe Seijun Suzuki could direct it? Or is this yet another version of the Ernest Hemingway story? You know - "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber?"

I liked it better when it was called True Lies and had not one but two scenes of Bill Paxton pissing his pants. I know it's a dumb comedy by the guy who directed Legally Blonde, but Reese Witherspoon as a lawyer is much more believable than Ashton Kutcher as a hitman. Whatever profession Lindsay Lohan and Katherine Heigl's characters had in the director's other movies were probably also more believable. Authenticity obviously isn't this film's primary concern, but come on - the other assassins have been secretly trailing them for over three years? What are they waiting for? What Happens in Vegas to receive the comedic props it deserves? They've got a lot longer to wait.

EP: This movie oozes with fake charm. The forced charisma is so thick you could insulate your home with the trailer. And to make matters worse, when I was trying to find the trailer, I accidentally opened a clip from the film, and didn't realize it wasn't a trailer for like 45 seconds. So now I've actually already seen 45 seconds of this movie.

CF: This year's Taxi (with Jimmy Fallon and Empress Latifah), a sure-fire miss that will hopefully kill Katherine Heigl's movie career and push the Kutch back to doing what he does best. I'll leave it up to you to decide what that is. Send me an e-mail. I'll pass it on to him. High concept laffs: is there anything worse in this world? But I bet Cooney is psyched, seeing as he loved the similar "high concept laffs" machine, OSS 117: Nest of Spies.

The verdict: Heigl should go back to playing second fiddle to Seagal.

PC: What a strange twist on a concert film. Taking the saga of a mediocre band whose badass name belies their kind of poofy sound, and casting the grossly overexposed Katty Heigl yet again. She's the white Zoe Saldana for christ's sake! I mean I enjoyed her bending over a foosball table in that movie I don't remember anything else about but let's get real now. Props to her for ridiculing the Apatow hack factory however.

Kutcher as an assassin? It's about time. Too long has he been miscast as a stoner doofus/deep sea helicopter rescue dude...finally the role he was born to play.

Could this movie be worse than Mr and Mrs Smith? Unlikely. Will I ever see it to find out? Doubtful.

Tally: 0-4

Get Him to the Greek

A record company intern (Jonah Hill) is hired to accompany out-of-control British rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand, reprising his role from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to a concert at L.A.'s Greek Theater.

PC: This title has a lot of possibilities. Is the affable and charming Mr Brand going to visit a crusty old racist gambler? Finally immerse himself in the world of underground gay porn? Or is he going to walk around, smoke pot, and talk a lot while accompanied by a rotund loudmouth for two plus hours which seems to be the Apatow forte?

I'm betting on the latter. I'd like to forget Sarah Marshall but I think that movie is still actually playing. What is with these clowns and two hour plus running times? Don't they realize I have masturbating to do? And I'm sure not going to do that to Kristin Bell or Leslie Mann or anyone else in the Apatow kennel. Superbad was overrated, Pineapple Express sucked, I Love You Man was horrific and I won't even bother with the rest.

I'll check this out for Russell, who is a talent with obviously hideous taste in women and scripts unfortunately. I'll attribute that to the fact he is English. Speaking of, just recently learned that the lead singer of Joy Division was straight! What's up with that voice? Makes Liberace sound like John Wayne.

JC: I thought Sarah Marshall was funny, then I tried to watch it again and wasn't nearly as into it. Mainly I didn't like Russell Brand as much the second time around - I thought his character was supposed to be a parody of that kind of self-obsessed, womanizing celebrity who indulges in phony-outrageous behavior, but he seems to act like that kind of person all the time in real life. To be fair I've never seen anything else with him in it, never seen his stand-up work or anything, so I don't know if that's his gimmick or what. I do know that of all the characters from Sarah Marshall, including Paul Rudd's stoned surfing instructor, Aldous Snow is probably the one I have the least amount of interest seeing in his own spin-off feature. But by all means, somebody let me know how it is.

EP: This film is unfortunately not a spin-off of season 2 of The Wire. It does, however, have a trailer that looks more pleasant than it has any right to. I'd be more inclined to be excited if it didn't feature one of the guys from Superbad, none of whom has apparently ever taken a vacation, because those guys are fucking everywhere.

CF: Russell Brand is one of those hopelessly unfunny "can you believe how outrageous I'm being?!" comedians like Kathy Griffin or Carlos Mencia, so there's obviously no way I'm ever seeing this steaming pile. Jonah Hill I'm not really a fan of, but I think he's a reliable sort of supporting player, even if the push to make him into a star is ill-considered. Damn Judd Apatow and his "ugly guy" comedies that have executives thinking that every unappealing shlub in a successful film should get a shot at being a leading man: someone like Hill should have a long and enjoyable career as a scene-stealing nobody - any other career path is a grotesque distortion of what I demand from a movie star. Namely good looks, effortless charisma and nice hair. Also, was anyone asking for a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I find that deeply unlikely.

The verdict: This rates zero anticipation kittens out of a possible fourteen anticipation kittens. Minus-1 zabb-zabb!

Tally: 2-2

Marmaduke

The Winslow family moves to a new neighborhood with their large yet lovable Great Dane, who has a tendency to wreak havoc in his own oblivious way.

EP: Apparently, Owen Wilson has a full-time career making movies about dogs. Why would they make a movie based on the comic strip that everyone skips while they're trying to find The Far Side? Is there a massive cult audience of Marmaduke fans who have been waiting for them to finally get around to run out of other things to turn into movies? Did a movie based on Cathy already come out?

PC: Jesus Christ. Did they run out of ideas for Garfield 3? Well I can't argue with the director's track record of success...if you've helmed Showtime and Failure to Launch I can see why you would be trusted in turning this obvious shit fest into something sublime. The Owen Wilson/Steve Coogan collaboration has always worked in the past, marred only by shitty films and a suicide attempt, so I'm sure this will be well worth watching. What's not to love about a big dumb dog that isn't remotely funny?

Kiefer Sutherland is involved too! Awesome. I love his commercial voiceover work so I can't wait to see him give audio to a pesky cat or flea-ridden neighborhood squirrel. Hasn't that ass clown made enough money doing that egregious show of his? Is his drug habit that fund-consuming that he has to waste his time making this drek? Wake me when it's time to read his obituary.

JC: "The Winslow family moves to a new neighborhood with their large yet lovable Great Dane." Is it the Michael Winslow family? Will he be doing crazy dog-oriented sound effects? I want to know why Owen Wilson only makes dog movies now. Is this contractual? Is he in the Revenge of Kitty Galore too? He missed out on Hotel for Dogs - somebody call his agent. He could at least co-star with a canine who plays sports, an air bud or golden receiver or world pup. Wilson is a champ, and he deserves a champion co-star. I don't think I'll be seeing this one, but I hope it's a hit so my live action Spy vs Spy project can move forward.

CF: You know, what? I'm not going to slag on this one either. So what if Owen Wilson now appears to be doing only dog movies? So what if Maramduke is a newspaper comic (i.e. terrible)? So what if a clearly over-qualified cast (George Lopez, we all know, could do better) is wasting their time on generic, pandering filler? I liked Shanghai Noon a lot - it's the last bit of unadulterated Owen Wilson I can remember enjoying - and pairing up Wilson with Noon director Tom Dey is clearly a recipe for the greatest comic-strip based dog movie of the last five years. You can take that to the bank... the blood bank! What? Seriously though, somebody do something about Steve Coogan. I'm under the impression I like him and it's just getting embarrassing.

The verdict: Marmaduke ate all our future box office potential!

Tally: 2-2

Splice

Two scientists fuse DNA samples to create a new organism: a human-chimera they name Dren. As the creature rapidly develops from a deformed female infant into winged creature, her initial bond with her creators turns deadly.

PC: By the time you read this this movie will have already disappeared from the theaters and public consciousness. Did it even happen? When does Halle Berry sue Adrien Brody for rape?

JC: Sarah Polley said this was the most bizarre and interesting script she's ever read and it made her sign on right away. That's good enough for me, and I likes me some Sarah Polley so I'm onboard...then again, she already did a pseudo-sci fi monster movie with Hal Hartley that sucked ass. Hey wait a minute - she was also in Beowulf and Grendel, which was also about a deformed monster...I guess we all know what kind of script to write to entice Sarah Polley. That one was also terrible. But she co-starred with monsters in Dawn of the Dead, and that was pretty good. And this one is by the director of the immortal Cube, so I'm hoping it won't be too pretentious and will serve up the kind of Canadian genre thrills I expect from ol' Vincenzo Natali. And how am I supposed to ignore a movie with the premise "the creature rapidly develops from a deformed female infant into a winged creature?" That's just not my nature. I wish this was written by Larry Cohen or directed by Frank Henenlotter. Or that the movie could have traded with The A-Team so that it co-starred Sharlto Copley instead of Adrien Brody...Adrien Brody, whose other movie this summer is about horrible monsters. Are actors really that transparent in the kind of movies they like to make?

CF: "A human-chimera they name Dren?" With Sarah Polley? I'm there and you don't even need to worry about it. Seriously, just read that description again: "the creature rapidly develops from a deformed female infant into a winged creature." Does Polley play the deformed infant? Please tell me yes. If I sat through nearly forty minutes of Beowulf and Grendel just trying to endure it until she appeared as a sexy witch, you better already know in your heart that I will watch the shit out of this. The game is over, Sarah Polley is the winner and you all need to pack up and go home until next season.

The verdict: "Two scientists fuse DNA samples to create a new organism: a human-chimera they name Dren." with Sarah Polley. With Sarah Polley.

EP: Another misleading title. This movie is not about editing on a Steenbeck. This trailer makes the movie look awesome. Unfortunately, it's bound to just turn into a standard monster movie for its final reel, where the best you can hope for are some shocks that at least work. But the trailer has sold me on the film's potential to be uncomfortably scary for at least an hour or so. I'm in!

Tally: 3-1

June 11th
The A-Team

A group of Iraq War veterans look to clear their name with the U.S. military, who suspect the four men of committing a crime for which they were framed.

CF: Now that I have a baby, I realize I sorta have to pick my battles and not just go see literally everything that comes out. This is one of those films that I definitely would've seen in summers past, just wandering into the theater because it had the right start time or I had seen everything else. But going out of my way to see it? I'd have to be an idiot to do that. Also, glad to see some dude I never heard of from a sport I hate is playing Mr. T. I hope they keep that whole thing about him being afraid to fly - ha, ha, ha, it was so wacky, a big bad dude like that so scared to get on a plane! Also, is Bradley Cooper good-looking? That's not the first way I'd think to describe him. It definitely comes in well behind "smarmy" and "charmless" - he's like some dude who's always trying to explain to you how to correctly shoot pool or play blackjack, but you're just like "shut the fuck up, dude, I just want to dick around playing pool in a bar or kill some time in Atlantic city." Patrick Wilson seems inoffensive enough until I remember that he's conclusively proven himself to be "the worst."

The verdict: I am an idiot.

PC: No Dirk Benedict? Traitorous! Liam Neeson is a great choice as Hannibal the Cannibal, fresh out of jail and ready to kill Jodie Foster in her panic room for framing him for a rape he didn't commit. Bradley Cooper, wasting his new-found fame and fortune by hooking up with Renee Zellwegger, stars as Faceman...is he going to come out of the closet mid-flick?

Sharlto Copley as Murdock and Rampage as B.A. It will be interesting to see if the South African and the black man get along, or does Sharlto's overt racism jeopardize the mission and cause the A-Team to be caught in the awesome power of Jessica Biel's ability to make every movie she's in suck.

For a chick with a pretty face and tight body she sure does leave me cold. Why is that, Jessica? Why do you do that? I await your reply.

EP: You guys know that's not Mr. T, right? Actually, this movie is the first movie of the summer since Iron Man 2 that looks like it could deliver on its summer movie promise: it looks fun and exciting. I think I trust that Carnahan guy to punch up the action. Haven't seen anything since Narc, though. And I have virtually no attachment to the original series, so I'm not going to be all pissed off if they don't use my favorite catchphrase or something.

JC: Carnahan recently said "There's an action sequence in the film and if you don't like it, you don't like movies." Well since I know I like movies, I'm guessing he means if I don't like it he didn't do a very good job directing it, which wouldn't be surprising - it's Joe Carnahan.

I think people are under the impression that the tv show was some kind of hardcore action extravaganza, but the episodes I've seen are far more goofy than badass. Like one where the guys hypnotize Mr. T and they're just fucking with him the whole time? I remember it as having more in common with Night Court than Airwolf. That said, you know how the opening narration states the team was "sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit?" Do you know what that crime was? Robbing the Bank of Hanoi under orders, only to return and find the officer who sent them to do it was murdered and didn't tell anybody it was a military operation. Now that is badass, and I hope it's how the movie starts.

It seems the filmmakers have chosen to capitalize on the "badass" aspect of the show's reputation and its staples - cigar, 'hawk, black van - rather than its cartoony violence, which is fine with me. The real question is, will America accept an Irishman, a South African, an ultimate fighter and a wedding crasher as their new A-Team? Or will they be dubbed The Gay Team? I'm fine with it personally: as long as co-producer Tony Scott doesn't get his action-movie-as-music-video stink all over it, I'm on the jazz. If I have the money, if nothing else looks good, and if I can find it (shouldn't be hard - it will probably be playing all over), then I will see...The A-Team. (Cue theme music.)

Tally: 3-1

The Karate Kid

Work pressures cause a single mother to move to China with her young son (Jaden Smith); in his new home, the boy embraces karate, taught to him by a master of the self-defense form (Jackie Chan).

CF: This is a film about which there is nothing to be said.

EP: What is going on here? This is another one I totally had my doubts about, and now after watching the trailer I would actually go see it. That's not true - but I'm at least less inclined to make fun of it. I guess that's how trailers work. Either these movies are going to be good, or I am becoming more susceptible to advertising the more trailers I watch. In this trailer, Jackie Chan takes little Will Smith to a Kung-Fu temple where people are training to fight Cobras, or something. And apparently "wax on/ wax off" is now "jacket on/ jacket off." So at least they’re keeping the original’s central conceit that one can become a ninja by performing simple household chores. I hope this movie has a "first date" sequence at the Beijing Golf n Stuff.

Also, remember when Hillary Swank was The Next Karate Kid? And then she went on to win two Oscars? Which one of those two things is weirder? If you answered "Hilary Swank is the most overrated actress in America and fuck you for making me think about her," congratulations! You just won a copy of Amelia on DVD.

PC: We have plagiarism on our hands! There was already a movie named Karate Kid, and it has a remarkably similar plot! In the one I'm thinking of this fey Italian kid was getting his ass kicked by this righteous blond dude who had all the chicks hot for him. Then some old Asian a-hole who used to serve burgers to Potsy Webber and the Fonz breaks numerous child labor laws while not talking much.

After the Italian kid paints a fence, or tricks Huck Finn into doing it, my memory is hazy all of a sudden...he brings a crane to the karate championships and cheats, kicking the blonde boy in the face and winning a trophy, teaching American youth that yes, violence is the answer.

I hope in this new Karate Kid the kid is not quite so limp wristed. I'm sure it will be a great movie cause the director made One Night at McCool's, Agent Cody Banks, and Pink Panther 2. That's awesome. 3 giant failures and still this no talent douche gets to make a movie that's already been made. Doesn't Will Smith have any pull? Was the guy who directed the Yahoo Serious movie busy? [you mean Yahoo Serious? --ed.] Will I stand up and cheer at the end like I did at the first one? Maybe if the same prostitute accompanies me to the last row again.

JC: Jaden Smith is only 12, but he's already well underway to usurping Nicolas Cage's title as Ultimate Remake Ruiner. He already almost single-handedly assured the shittiness of the Day the Earth Stood Still redux, now he's got mom and dad to position him as The Next Ralph Macchio. Who do you think you are?!

The producers have defended their decision to remake the John G Avildsen classic by claiming it has almost nothing in common with the original. So then why not call it something else?? I thought for a while there they were changing the title to The Wu-Shu Kid, which would have been much better...well, slightly better. Instead 'Daniel Larusso of Reseda formerly of Newark' becomes 'Dre Parker of Detriot' and 'Mr. Miyagi from Okinawa' is now 'Mr. Han from Beijing.' You know guys, karate comes from Japan. Kung fu comes from China. Why not call it The Kung Fu Kid? Or remake 3 Ninjas instead? You could probably get Keanu Reeves' kid and Brendan Fraser's son to round out the cast and win over the Agent Cody Banks crowd.

I guess the trailer has that Bean Esposito "You're the Best" song on it, from the original. Do they just want to use the music? I think it's ok to use the same music as another movie, you don't have to borrow the title to do that. Oh well...I guess they'll have to do a Rob Zombie-ish remake-sequel if they ever want to use some Peter Cetera songs (come to think of it, Rob Zombie should have directed this. They could have called it Halloween 3 and used "Love Hurts.")

I'm really looking forward to Nicolas Cage and Jaden Smith starring in the new and improved version of Bicycle Thieves. Except Jaden plays the fatherless thief and Nicolas Cage is running around in a bear costume - long story - trying to hunt down the stolen bike (it's a symbol, see, cuz he gave it to his daughter on her birthday just before she was kidnapped by aliens - the bike is literally all he has left of her.) When he finally tracks down Jaden and discovers that he's actually, get this, BLIND, and on the run from a group of hitmen, he decides to channel his love for the abducted daughter into his protection of this blind bicycle thief. At the end, Cage somehow sacrifices his life to save humanity. Directed by Neil Lubute, reshoots by James McTeigue.

Wow. That is a lot more than I ever thought I'd write about the Karate Kid remake.

Tally: 0-4

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