john cribbs

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  AWARDS 2010

Significantly have not seen:

Carlos (sorry, I just haven't had the time)

Exit Through the Gift Shop

The King's Speech

I Am Love

Inspector Bellamy


The "Local Hero Award" for most Overrated Underrated Movie: Never Let Me Go


The "Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons Award" for giving it your best shot even though you probably shouldnt have: Michael Fassbender in Jonah Hex


Movie nobody remembers: Tim Allen's directorial debut Crazy on the Outside


Acceptable sequel: Toy Story 3


Pointless sequel: (tie) Paranormal Activity 2 and Little Fockers


NOT a sequel? Repo Men, The City of Your Final Destination


Funniest subtitle to a sequel: Money Never Sleeps (which should have been called Rock 'n Roll Never Forgets)


Movie that must be pissed to share its title with a Resident Evil sequel's subtitle: After.life


Most unfortunate title: Just Wright


Most unworthy title: (tie) The Sorcerer's Apprentice and From Paris with Love


Most inexplicable title: Knight and Day


No promises, title: Remember Me


Much better than it had any right to be: Unstoppable

It's all Ethan Suplee's fault! I guess he was thinking about that delicious Hitler calzone he was going to have for lunch. I guess Tony Scott and Denzel had fun playing choo choo on their remake of Taking of Pelham 123. Since I heard that one was actually decent but refused to see it out of fidelity to the original, I gave this one a shot and have to admit it did a good job tapping into the energy of other "runaway train" movies like The General, Spiderman 2 and, uh...Runaway Train. The director's typically intolerable aesthetic works here where the intensity is always up, like Scott's trying for the most intense orgasm he ever enjoyed and just keeps - on - pushing! It feels strangely old fashioned and welcoming, a rare achievement for a filmmaker whose recent movies have been a slap in the face to action cinema. Crazy. Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate.


Not as good as it should have been: Splice

It's a shame when a film about a team of lover-scientists who combine the DNA of a blob with a human and come up with a butt-headed French model with a spiky tail that wants to mate with the father then mutate into a male and get it on with mom turns out as generic as this one, especially since the director made Cube all those years ago. It's still got its moments, most of them supplied by the lovely and talented Sarah Polley, but its Species-style ending brings everything to an abrupt halt just as the movie is getting interesting.


Movie I'm outright appalled to admit I actually liked: MacGruber

I never thought I'd say this, but I now have so much more respect for Ryan Phillipe than I ever thought would be possible, and I hope he feels good about his choice to play the straight man in this movie. What should have been another dollar bin, one-joke SNL sketch inflated beyond capacity and padded with unfunny improv and worthless cameos was instead not only hilariously funny, it felt like an actual action movie with some genuinely great jokes thrown in there. Holy shit, how did that happen? In all honesty, it may be my 12th favorite movie of the year.


Biggest disappointment: John Carpenter's The Ward


Also disappointing (in order of how much better I expected them to be): Iron Man 2, The Wolf Man, The Expendables


Worst trend of the year: Fake movies becoming real movies (Machete, the upcoming Thanksgiving)


Returning trend I didn't miss: Literary works retooled into high school comedies a'la Clueless, She's All That, 10 Things I Hate About You and now Easy A


Trend of the year I'm not coming anywhere near: Claustrophic "trapped" movies (Buried, 127 Hours, Devil)


Weirdest remake: Neil Labute's Death at a Funeral


Most unnecessary remake: (tie) Let Me In and I Spit On Your Grave: Unrated


Remake with most inaccurate title: The Karate Kid


Remake with the most disappointing omission from its source material: No kissing the tip of his dead daughter's dildo for Mel Gibson in Edge of Darkness


Best ending: They crash and die? Alain Resnais' Wild Grass


Worst ending: BOO! John Carpenter's The Ward


A little too close to my life for me to enjoy: Rhys Ifhan laying around in his boxers watching a Lindsey Lohan movie on TV at 3am in Greenberg


The Problem Child Award for best movie watched, heard, or shouted out by characters in a movie: Timecop in Hot Tub Time Machine


Best movie watched, heard or shouted out by characters in a movie WHO DID NOT APPRECIATE IT: Belle Epoque in The Fighter


Best movie mom: Andy's mom (Laurie Metcalf) in Toy Story 3


Worst movie mom: (3-way tie) Sarah Polley in Splice, Blake Lively in The Town and "Smurf" in Animal Kingdom


Best villain: Lots-O-Huggin' Bear (Toy Story 3)


Best character name: Dieter von Cunth (MacGruber)


Runner-up: Hale Caesar (The Expendables)


Worst character name: Fisher Willow (The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond)


Worst director name: Nash Edgerton (The Square)


Best thing I saw in 3-d in 2010: (tie) Kelly Brook and Riley Steel sync-swimming in Piranha 3-D and Steve-O inside the flying porta potty in Jackass 3-D


Best two reasons to sit through a movie: Violante Placido, The American


Runners-up: Maricel Álvarez, Biutiful


The "Maggie Gyllenhaal Award" for a Nude Scene I Wish I Could Un-see: Greta Gerwig, Greenberg


Best death: "Aim for the bushes!" RIP Highsmith & Danson from The Other Guys


Worst death: Helicopter full of kids gets nuked in the first five minutes of The Losers


Most surprising death: Boltie's not gettin' up... (Super)


Standout joke: The silent fight at the funeral in The Other Guys


Standout lame joke: That the pricetag for Grown Ups was $80 million


Best AD dialogue: "Nice fit, pound cake!" (delivered off-screen and aimed at a woman's jumpsuit-wearing Brendan Fraser in Furry Vengeance)


Most offensive theft: Naked Gun's beaver joke, in It's Kind of a Funny Story (way to kill Leslie Nielson, Zack Galifianakis!)


Definitely not the worst film of the year: Hot Tub Time Machine ("Are you raping??")


Most overrated performance: Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone


Genius most in need of a new agent: Gina Gershon. Joe Pesci's washed up, Helen Mirren has to do it cuz she's married to the director, Bai Ling will do anything as long as she gets to be naked and obnoxious, but what the hell is poor Gina doing in Taylor Hackford's Love Ranch?


Still not entirely sure this movie wasn't a joke: The Human Centipede (First Segment)


Best cameo: Totoro, Toy Story 3


Worst cameo: Laurence Fishburne, wasted in Predators


Cameo created just for me? Thomas Jane and Clifton Collins Jr. as the vegan cops in Scott Pilgrim vs the World (also Don McKellar was in there!)


My favorite 2010 'smoke article written by Chris Funderburg: The Whole History of My Life: The Smartest Man in the World


My favorite 'smoke article written by me: Bruno S


Best blu-rays (& dvds):

The Complete Metropolis (Kino)

Alien Anthology (Fox)

The Outfit (dvd, Warner Archives)

The Thin Red Line (Criterion)

Brewster McCloud (dvd, Warner Archives)

Paths of Glory (Criterion)

Apocalypse Now: Full Disclosure w/ Hearts of Darkness documentary (Lionsgate)

Buster Keaton: Sherlock Jr (Kino)

The African Queen (United Artists)


Filmmaker of the year: Mike Leigh, Another Year


Filmfucker of the year: Tim Burton, Alice in Wonderland



Jeff's Tesla-like helmet for communicating spiritually with Tiffany in I Think We're Alone Now

MacGruber's notepad

An unrecognizable Joe Anderson's sad, gradual transformation into one of The Crazies

Vampire home invasion in Daybreakers

God touches Rainn Wilson's brain in SUPER

Christian Bale picks up the cake and takes off down the street in The Fighter

Spalding says goodbye to his dad in And Everything is Going Fine

Hermione erases her parents' memories of her in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I

"Everything's against me!" Josh Brolin laments in True Grit

"That's actually hilarious!" Chris Evans as Lucas Lee in Scott Pilgrim vs the World

Michael Shannon as sleazy and insane yet oddly effective band manager Kim Fowley in The Runaways

Imelda Staunton in Another Year

Oliver Tate's letter to his mother from "your husband" in Submarine

"It's you! You turned around and you weren't another girl, like in the movies!" The charming conclusion of Submarine

Antonio Banderas won't give Naomi Watts a direct answer when she confronts him with her true feelings, and you suspect it's not the language barrier, in You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

The couple share an unexpected moment together during the intolerably corny love song in Everyone Else

Spalding recounts his family bursting into dance to Chumbawamba in And Everything is Going Fine

The American shoots the girl in the snowbound cottage in the back of the head.

The Ghost Writer successfully executes an impromptu escape from the roll-on/roll-off ferry, leaving his pursuers to shake their fists at him from the deck. Now what?

She didn't cook the rabbit, did she?? The Illusionist frantically checks around the apartment.

Safe back in The Town, the heist crew freezes as a shocked elderly cop glares at them from his cruiser.

The Sleeping Beauty is a natural skull bowler!

Early morning run in Boxing Gym

Things get creepy: the old woman hangs out in the background as the reunited cast awkwardly recite dialogue from the movie in the lady's apartment, a moment as uncomfortably weird as any in Best Worst Movie Troll 2.

Fire from the dragon's mouth lights up, forming an ominous silhouette from behind the clouds during the final battle in How to Train Your Dragon

Koji Yakusho holds up the bloody banner before the final battle: "TOTAL MASSACRE!" Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins

Best moment of the year: "Mini-bar!" Tabloid

Most gruelling moment of the year: The look on Mary's face when she meets Katie. Another Year

And the best scene of the year: The kids flood into the Caterpillar Room and chaos reigns. Toy Story 3

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