2014: The Year in Review, Page 3

THE PINK SMOKE'S 2014 YEAR IN FILM

CHRISTOPHER FUNDERBURG / 2014 AWARDS & IGNOMINIES

Impassioned Advocacy for Non-Masterpieces:

The Blue Room

Mathieu Almaric takes his Polanski impression to the next level and does right by Simenon, France's premiere author of peerless non-masterpieces.

A Walk Among the Tombstones

The writer of Out of Sight and Liam Neeson do right by Lawrence Block, pulp fiction's greatest writer of no particular distinction. Another "cerebral serial killer" plot you didn't think Hollywood would have the guts to haul out one more time.

The Strange Little Cat

An assignment done for a class overseen by famed Hungarian miserablist Bela Tarr extended into a High Art feature that's formally brilliant, aesthetically precise, cognitively disorienting, willfully obtuse and as fluffy and adorable as a little kitty cat's belly.

Fire on the Plains

A legendary underground Japanese director's take on his nation's towering novelistic depiction of WWII suffering, filmed with the grain and cheapness of a backyard camcorder goof. Hugely moving, intense, blurry, repetitive, beautiful, artless and unforgettable; successfully undermined by silly performances and Troma-level effects.

The "I Think I Love My Wife Award" for a movie just good enough to make you disappointed it isn't good enough:

The Double

Worst title:

Girl Most Likely

Worst punning title:

Hellaware

"She's All That! Award" for a title that I find fun to say out loud in a solemn tone:

Heaven is For Real

Best title:

Why Don’t You Play in Hell?

The "Local Hero Award" for most overrated underrated film:

Coherence

The "Monica Potter Award" for a bland charmless actress forced on a demonstrably indifferent public:

Rebel Wilson (Pain & Gain, A Night at the Museum 3, Pitch Perfect 2)

In case I need a reminder that Linklater can be inconsistent, even within a single film:

Boyhood

runner-up:

Bernie

"The House of the Devil Award" for these fucking patische film that I wish would just stop:

The Strange Colour of Your Body's Tears

For the Museum of AmerIndie style:

The Skeleton Twins

The "Two English Girls Award" for a film that is essential for fans and irrelevant to anyone else:

Venus in Fur

The Van Helsing Award for wonderful, beautiful awfulness:

Men, Women and Children

You really need to see this thing to believe it.

runner-up:

I, Frankenstein

How apropos.

Movie I'm glad exists, that I could see myself having made if stripped of self-doubt and given Hollywood superpowers:

Interior. Leather Bar.

runner-up:

John Wick

Movie that was on cable the other day and I'll watch it again right now, sure:

Step Brothers

Film fact that makes me feel most out touch with humanity:

I have not seen a single Hunger Games film and don't have any idea what they are about. I'm assuming they're about love and rebellion and not slopstacle courses.

Best Film that might have been remake of 80's Kirk Cameron body-switch movie:

Like Father Like Son

runner-up:

Nymphomaniac: Vol. II

"It's a Knock-off" Award for Best Eponymous Theme Song:

We Are the Best!

The "Robert Redford Award" for Coasting on a reputation earned decades previously:

Jersey Boys

You think I mean Eastwood? Gimme a break - I am not going to speak badly of the Man Himself. I am talking about the fucking cheeseball jukebox musical turned weird PG-13 Goodfellas rip-off musical extravaganza. This thing has been on Broadway since 1993 and they now decided to make a film out of it? It is coasting on a (meagre) reputation generated by tourists with the absolute worst taste that you'd have to time-travel fifteen years into the past just to meet their grandkids.*

* In the name of journalistic ethics, do I have to mention I was buddies with the star of this film in college? He was a very nice guy. I once got drunk with him at karaoke and he sang a bunch of Sinatra tunes but made all of the lyrics about "schlongs." Now this may or may not be simply a lie that I'm making up right now, but his dream as an actor was to play the useless human lead that the film spends way too much time with in a film where two classic monster-villains fight each other like Freddy vs. Jason or Alien vs. Predator. He would have settled playing someone in the ensemble that makes sure we see as little of Godzilla as possible in a new Godzilla movie. Get on it, Hollywood - you’ve found your man!

Biggest Gulf Between Reputation and Actual Quality:

Goodbye to Language

runner-up:

Inherent Vice

second runner-up:

Birdman, Or The Unexpected Virtue of Give Me a Fucking Break with this Subtitle

The "Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons Award" for an actor giving it his all for a film that he really shouldn't have:

The entire cast of Boyhood. Way to waste twelve years on what Stu Steimer rightly pointed out is little more than an extended episode of Dawson's Creek. Everyone is uniformly excellent, the filmmaking is brilliant and the overall stunt is stunning. The script and plot are so fucking terrible. Just embarrassing. You think in like Year Six, one of them knew and was just like "oh Christ, this is just a CW melodrama." Patricia Arquette must have known. Or maybe Linklater's daughter who basically dropped out knew. Teenage girls will not front on bullshit.

The "Drawing Restraint #9 Award" for a movie that I can't talk any damn sense into Marcus Pinn about:

Inherent Vice

runner-up:

Gone Girl

Movie that I am still waiting for Marcus Pinn to write about because it features a kidney transplant subplot:

Dumb and Dumber To

Best Repertory Series:

Film Society of Lincoln Center's excellent two-part R.W. Fassbinder retrospective.

Standout Performances:

Timothy Spall (Mr. Turner), Masaharu Fukuyama (Like Father, Like Son), Bradley Cooper (Guardians of the Galaxy), Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler), Noomi Rapace (The Drop), Emmanuelle Seigner (Venus in Furs), Charlotte Gainsbourg (Nymphomaniac: Vol. I & II), Mathieu Almaric (The Blue Room), Ben Affleck (Gone Girl), Isabelle Huppert (Abuse of Weakness), Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)

Performers of the Year

Tom Hardy (The Drop & Locke)

Mira Barkhammar, Mira Grosin & Liv LeMoyne (We Are the Best!)

Most Anticipated 2015 Films:

The Lobster and Mad Max Fury Road. This is all that matters.

Moments:

The endlessly quotable girls of We Are the Best! "Yes, I will join your band because I 'hate the sport' as well." "We can use the opportunity to influence her away from God!" "Is there such thing as a high-jumping team? Isn't it just one person?" "My life is horrible, there is not one good thing about it."/"Well, you are in the best band in the world."/"Yes, that’s true. But that’s the only thing."

My other dad knows how to fix a freakin' RC car, Mr. Hotshot Dad. Like Father, Like Son.

A job interview in a diner. Nightcrawler

That other news crew got in a mysterious accident. Good thing Louis Bloom is here to film it. Nightcrawler.

Any of the many sprays of verbosity explicating Louis Bloom's can-do philosophy. Nightcrawler.

A trip to the pet store. The Drop.

Her ex-boyfriend shows up at the house. He wants his dog back. The Drop.

The thrill of seeing what will be in each new compartment. Snowpiercer.

Matt Scudder explains why drinking just isn't fun anymore. A Walk Among the Tombstones.

Up on the rooftop with the pigeons and a little bedroom. "Everything gave you away. You're a weirdo." A Walk Among the Tombstones.

Holy christ, I can't believe how they're handling this creep spotting the little girl, playing Atlantis and all that. Humor does not get much darker. A Walk Among the Tombstones.

Spinning around like a record: the opening of Only Lovers Left Alive.

That Jarmusch view of a city through the side window of a slow-moving car. Only Lovers Left Alive.

Mr. Turner visits a brothel after the death of his beloved father. Mr. Turner.

Mary Somerville's mysterious demonstration done with a needle, a prism and a canvas. Mr. Turner.

The misery of Haydon is compounded by the refusal of his pathetic gesture towards paying his debt. Mr. Turner.

Donald Rumsfeld's story about the vault in Alexander Haig's office. The Unknown Known.

The discussion of Rumfeld's "I stand at my desk all day" memo. The Unknown Known.

Greenpeace's idiotic publicity stunt. National Gallery.

The goofball tv hosts try to get their Turner piece just right. National Gallery.

The restorationist explain the process of restoring a Rembrandt that had been previous improperly restored - because it was painted on top of an earlier work! National Gallery.

The tale of Princess Kaguya's ascent.

"She can't call the police because you cut her hair!" but fortunately Hedvig isn't ignoring them because she's angry - she thought they'd be angry at her! We Are the Best!

Hedvig unexpectedly performs "the best song in the world" on her over-sized acoustic guitar. We Are the Best! This movie is the best.

The most devastating scene of the year: The father walks his soon-to-be former son down to the river and tells him he won't ever see him again. Like Father, Like Son.

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