Bully for Brozzy!
by Paul Cooney
PART II
Panama and Brosnan have lots in common. While Panama is renowned for the watery gap that splits it in half, Brozzy is notorious for the wealth of gash his good ship penis has slid through. The man causes a lot of thighs to split, is what I"m trying to say. He's a handsome man, goddammit! And while the canal has linked two oceans and inspired a classic rock ditty, in the long run I think the world benefits more from a single Brosnan smirk.
And oh shitsnax he does a lot of smirking in The Tailor of Panama, playing the role he was born to play, international cad and panty dropper. Come to think of it, it was the role I was born to play and I take umbrage at my high school guidance counselor for quashing my dream of being a globe-trotting reprobate.
The flick opens with an impeccably tailored Brosnan being banished to Panama as punishment for his gambling and wife-seducing. Since when are those qualites not celebrated?? The audience is instantly on his side and I'm rooting for him to karate kick Lame Judi Dench in the throat before the movie is over. Hmm - this isn't a Bond picture? Can he at least drop the people's elbow on Jamie Lee Curtis?
The tailor of Panama himself makes an appearance and promply bullshits potential customer Pierce by telling him the cloth he has picked is "Connery's choice." That is saucy indeed! It's a whimsical allusion to the Bond character immortalized by Connery and largely spoiled by Brosnan. It's inexplicable! In this movie he plays the gentleman/degenerate/spy to perfection, bedding broads and double dealing, and yet when it came to playing Bond himself Brozzy was a total stiff. It saddens me to think about it and so I'll move on 'cuz Tokyo Drift and Paul Blart: Mall Cop are coming on simultaneously and I have to devote my full attention to both of those masterpieces.
The mob boss from Miller's Crossing - no not Albert Finney, the other Danny Deviotesque mofo [Jon Polito! - edit.] - is putting the squeeze on Geoff Rush and leaving him in a precarious position Brosnan is only too happy to take advantage of when he ventures into the tailor's shop. As he's fitted he sizes up Leonor Varela and queries, "What the hell happened to her face?"
It's a rude and obnoxious question which would not be tolerated from a less dashing fellow. When Broz is finished insulting the hot chick, he calls out Rush on his Savile Row pedigree bullshit. Geoff is alarmed, but he needs the do re mi so when Brozz offers him a sleazy deal with the convincing argument of "Don't be a cunt, Harry!", Rush jumps on it and agrees to become his eyes and ears in Panamaland.
The first nugget of wisdom Rush drops on Brosnan regarding his new homeland: "Nobody ever loses their reputation in Panama." What? Is that true?? I'm on the next flight...vaya con dios everyone!
Whoopsy daisy, I forgot Paul Blart and Tokyo Drift were on, I'll catch a flight manana...back to Brosnan in Panama, a "Casablanca without heroes." No heroes? Brendan Gleeson is involved! So is the guy from Scarface who was gonna blow up the diplomat's family until Al Pacino killed him cause he inexplicably respected women and children. [Mark Margolis! -- edit.]
Back to Brozzy...we learn he was drummed out of Madrid for fucking the minister's mistress, and scarcely has he set foot in the embassy in Panama when he starts flirting with Catherine McCormick. Does Mel Gibson know about this??
Pierce has a hammock in his office and that looks pretty sweet to me. McCormick tries to resist, but she can't withstand the awesome power of Brosnan's banter, especially when, after cracking open the office safe, he saucily quips that it was "open, just tight from lack of use." Zing! He's clearly refering to Catherine's kitty in a devastatingly effective seduction technique first perfected by the Lombards.
Speaking of seduction, Broz eschews the Panama Hilton and chooses to stay at a cathouse instead. Entertaining and economical! Plus it provides great cover: "all cash no questions asked." This Brosnan fellow has got brains to go with beauty!
Rush gets in deeper and starts spinning some bs about the Chinese taking over the canal. Brosnan knows it's crap but plays along 'cuz it keeps the MI5 gravy train running and he's having fun and dreaming of retirement. He cuts to the core with McCormick, dispensing with the dinner & movie and getting straight to the fucking. He toys with Jamie Lee in the water, letting her know he can seduce her at any time. He watches porn in his brothel's room. He's seizing the day and life is his cabaret! Go Pierce go!
Could he be any more depraved? Hello, what's this? He takes Rush to a gay bar and once they start dancing castigates poor Geoff, "Stop being so butch!" It's the sassiest moment of the movie so far, but wait! Chesticle appearance! Brosnan's chest mane in full flower and McCormick doesn't let its downy softness go to waste, using his tuft covered pecs as a pillow. Lord knows she'll never sleep more soundly. Will it make the inevitable devastation that comes with him ditching her more palatable? Unlikely. When she finally realizes he's scum she dubs him "the wickedest man I've ever met."
He counters with, "How bout a farewell fuck?" It's called panache and Pierce has it! (Std's? What am I a doctor?)
In other developments the perv dad from Happiness [Dylan Baker!! Where's the love for character actors? -- edit] is about to lead the US Army into another brilliant overseas foray and Brozzy knows the jig is up. Happily for us, he manages to cut a final deal securing millions of dollars and his future in Switzerland!
Geoff Rush rushes around and Jamie Lee watches him make pancakes or some such nonsense but no one really cares 'cuz we just want to see Brozzy proposition the stewardess en route to retirement and degradation in the Alps!
BROZZY RATINGS
The Movie: 8
Brozzy chesticle exposure: 7
Van Halen utilization: 0
I love mysteries! The big mystery of Murder 101 is, "Will this obvious piece of trash be even worse than I fear?" Let's find out!
The flick opens with a haunting jazz theme and I'm already filled with dread. The clarinet! That woodwind's whiny notes evoke thoughts of the Woodman, Woody Allen himself, and I'm scared.
What depradations will this film contain?! Though it would be rather jolly if this film consisted of Pierce going on a murder spree and then being aquitted by reason of "handsomeness in the 1st degree."
Beard! We have a Brozzy beard, alert the ankles of the world 'cuz they will soon be deluged with an influx of dropping panties. Perhaps it's 'cuz he's playing a college professor and celebrated author, but Brosnan has decided to import the glory of his chesticle mane to his face, and go full Michael Gross from Family Ties beard, only there is nothing gross about this face forest - it's sheer unabashed gorgeousness and you will revel in it!
It's at this point in the movie where I wish the director would abandon this whole mystery business and just treat the audience to 90 minutes of a bearded Brozzy coaching crew on a leafy university campus and then defiling coeds in their dorms. Doesn't that sound pleasant? Isn't that better than the same old, "someone's dead, let's find out who killed him" even though they never were gonna amount to nothing anyway?
Oh my lord chesticle hair! We're getting both barrels in this one! Not content with flaunting his beard, Brozzy has upped the ante of smoldering hunkitude and added his chest hair to the frothy mix! Batten down the hatches you sons a bitches! He's not playing games in this one!
Hello, what's this? Just when we're at the apex of Pierce's handsomeness we're supposed to believe he's groveling for the affection of a rather plain woman...his own age?? Is this the mystery I'm supposed to figure out? 'Cuz I don't think Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Gadget combined could ever comprehend why a dreamboat like Brozz would ever even deign to say hello to this zero, much less vie for her ardor. Highly suspect! I object, your honor!
Good gravy - she's seeing another professor, a total nerdlinger no less, and when Brozz wonders what she sees in him she rejoins, "He keeps his hands off his students." Zing! Wait a minute that's a bad thing? Don't you want a man who's virile enough to attract 18-year-olds? Don't you have any sense woman??
I'm beginning to think viewing this movie was a colossal mistake, but then Brosnan rewards my persistence by insulting a student for wearing a beret. Bravo Brozzy!!
Ahh just when this movie was giving me hope it didn't totally blow, the nerdlinger love interest student shows up, and I genuinely thought she was a 40-year-old taking classes part time after she got off her shift at the DQ. Why isn't she a mousy girl who looks dynamite once she takes off her glasses and lets down her ponytail?
Who the fuck cast this flick? I guess I can't be too mad at them 'cuz they cast Brozz, but they really dropped the ol' crackpipe with the rest of this crew.
Ohhh breaking news! I've solved the mystery! This movie is terrible and no longer worth anyone's time!
BROZZY RATINGS
The Movie: 4
Brozzy Beard: 10
Brozzy Oxford Blue crew type action: 6
The Deceivers, huh? I only hope the title of this movie doesn't imply that Brosnan will be wearing a mask through much of the film! That would be like throwing aluminum siding over the Taj Mahal! Ahh, no need to worry, the film opens with a British soldier being shot and I am happy. Whew. I thought I was in for a bit of unpleasantness but that sweet beginning has put me at ease.
Master filmmakers Merchant and Ivory continue to strike while the iron is hot, and just when I'm reveling in the death of that imperialist monster, they drop the chesticle bomb on me. Brozzy chest hair in full flower! When you have it, you flaunt it: John Holmes knew it, Ron Jeremy knows it, and Brozzy clearly gets it. Why haven't the folks at Pantene snapped him up for an endorsement, anyways? I bet some Japanese shampoo company has Lost in Translation style celeb endorsers, but no way Brozz was a pouter like Bill Murray was. Do you really think he didn't take advantage in the land of tentacle porn?
I digress...so some broad wants to kill herself to join her hubs in death, as is the custom, but Pierce, whose heart is pure and lovely, pretends to be Indian in order to deceive the chick into thinking hubs is alive. It's positively brilliant, or ridiculous, depending on how generous you're feeling, and when it comes to Brozz I'm a regular Mother Theresa! (Aside from all that morality shit she was pushing...also her no condoms policy is bananas.)
Incredibly enough, this hare-brained scheme clearly lifted from a Three's Company episode actually works, and the deceived griever forgoes suicide in hopes of being reunited with hubs on Earth. Good for her!
Unforunately this happy ending is only the beginning, for there is another group of deceivers, a cabal of thugs who kill travelers on orders of the 6 armed goddess of destruction. Brozz has to go undercover once again, in full brown face! Not content to just dress up, he goes all Donnie Brasco on the audience and eats the sacred sugar and turns thugee! Don't do it Brozzy! Don't you do it!
Use your handsomeness for good not evil!
I'm quite scared for a long stretch of this film until Brosnan's chest hair makes its contractually required appearance and practically steals the movie. I don't want to spoil it for you, but Brozz enters a brothel and you may or may not see taint depending on how hard you look and the quality of the zoom feature on your tv.
I digress yet again lest you get caught up, or down I should say, in the vortex that is Brosnan's bottom.
Come back to me, you rogue! Don't you let your mind wander into Brozzy's nether regions you rascal...
Cary Elwes makes an appearance of course, being blonde, is a corrupt shirker whom Brosnan deals with the only way he knows how. Decpetion! And handsomeness...the pen may be mightier than the sword, but great cheekbones will best a writing instrument any day of the week and twice on Sunday by jove!
Spoiler alert! Does Brosnan defeat the Dread Pirate Roberts, destroy the Thuggee cult, and bring India under Britain's imperial heel all through the sheer power of his blue eyes and great follicles? Yes.
[Editor's note: Cary Elwes is not in The Deceivers.]
The Movie: 7
Brozzy chesticle exposure: 9
Imperial gorgeousness: 10
For a brief moment I thought Taffin would be about a jolly Pierce Brozzy, playing a Willy Wonkaesque owner of a taffy factory, whiling away the days chewing on sweethings and defiling not-so-sweet whores when his workday ends and he strolls down the cobbled streets of Dublin to the seaside brothel he favors.
Lamentably taffy plays no part in this movie at all, and yet it is still the balls! Brosnan begins this movie rocking a rather sweet ass leather jacket that Bon Jovi only wishes Wilson's carried 'cuz he totally woulda worn it thru the whole Wanted tour. Can anyone withstand the combined power of Brozzy's chiseled cheeks and a snazzy jacket? I have my doubts.
He struts into a restaurant and the spasticated hostess has the audacity to tell him it's closed. YOU OPEN FOR BROZZY!
Ass kicking commences and I've barely sampled my Junior Mints! This is clearly going to be a festival of delights and I highly suggest your pants get introduced to your ankles 'cuz that's where they're gonna be for the next hour if you know what's good for you, which I quite frankly don't think you do.
Irish music plays while Brosnan kicks a whole lotta ass, using some Gaelic judo Bruce Lee clearly stole and repackaged. Once sufficent beatdowns have been administered Broz returns to his home, which seems a little on the ramshackle hovel side...and...hello what's this? He lives with an old woman?
Nevermind! Alison Doody alert! Her 80's hair is in full bloom and she's looking better than she did as Jenny Flex but maybe not quite as good as she did as the Nazi superwoman in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, though her allure in that flick was in large part due to her personality. She was a real go getter and got results!
Brozzy and Doody are the two best looking people in this nothing town so it's only a matter of time before they breed, but first Broz has to embarrass the jabronis who ain't paying their debts. Good gravy just how beautiful are the Irish? Even enforcers for loan sharks are handsome.
Doody's wearing a sweet leather jacket too and it's clear the director has no qualms about ramping up the sex appeal to 11. Did you heed my warning about your pants? Don't say I never did you any favors!
Speaking of pants, it's not long before Brozzy has removed Doody's and even ripped open her shirt in a flurry of flying buttons and torn fabric. Slow down, Brozzy!! Savor the Doods! Perhaps it's 'cuz Pierce is so used to being cast opposite harpies and homelies that when he's finally presented with an attractive co-star he can't resist bedding her right away in case she's fired. He forgoes the bed and does Doody right there on the hard wood floor.
I'll attribute it to a post coital haze, but Brozzy disappoints us all by donning a Canadian tuxedo. I can't stay too mad however 'cuz Patrick Bergin shows up, the Berg himself, playing Brozzy's bro. Why does Julia Roberts still have a career while the Berg is but a memory? I'm calling racism! I've done it! I've played the race card! Checkmate.
Where was I? Oh yes, I'm pondering why all the good looking people in this crummy Irish town don't emigrate to Hollywood already when suddenly Brozzy goes shirtless. He makes tea for Doody and she repays his kindness by holding the sheet up to cover her Doody boobies. I said she holds the sheet up to cover her Doody boobies. A rare misstep by this master director. Am I really to believe that a broad just bedded by Brozzy and now being treated to tea would be all shy and demure and hide her goods? I don't fucking think so! A kevlar blanket couldn't contain those nips anyway, such would be the state of their hardness...am I going to do it? Yes, I'm calling bullshit! First the race card and now this!
Game set match!
Doody tries to charm Brozz, telling him his place reminds her of a loft in NYC. Ohh la la, we're all real impressed you used to be the sugar baby for some Wall Street dickbean. Omg...forgive me Doody...more likely she was the muse to Basquiat when he was in his non-gay phase, or maybe she was the inspiration for Keith Haring's since-edited Crack is Wack, but Doody is Groovy canvases.
Doods goes on to spin a sad tale of leaving Oslo after her hearty poo was broken by some cod fisherman or something. I was kinda tuning her out 'cuz, really babycakes? You think Brozz wants to hear about your past boy toys? Unless of course you want to share more tales of bedding both Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. You coquette!!*
Ahh the plot...apparently the heavies in this film are the usual corporate assholes raping the environment for short term profit. Of course the hapless and unattractive townsfolk turn to the beautiful superman for help but he rebuffs them: "I can't change the world that we live in."
Some old coot tries to drop some of that ancient wisdom on Broz, "What's the point of life if we don't try to do just that?"
Lamentably Brozzy doesn't retort, "Exactly - life has no point, now excuse me while I do Doody."
However that would have deprived us of ass kicking...which is coming don't you worry your pretty little mushroom head! Hello, what's this?? Omg this is not the ass kicking I had in mind...Brozzy is getting a beatdown! Not the face! Don't touch his face, you philistines! Wowsers this film has taken a dark turn - so dark that Brozzy is even wearing shades indoors, which is totally badass. Broz knew it, Timbuk3 knew it, and now you know it.
Doody didn't know it however, which is why Broz has to yell at her. It's clearly a lowpoint and I don't like to think of Brozzy and Doody fighting so let's skip ahead to the triumphant third act, shall we? Don't make me break out the race card again!
An old man's leg gets pissed on and we're back in the swing of things. Brozzy comes to them all Rockatansky style, knowing they hate him and his methods but he's the only weapon those jabronis got!
Doody sluts it up with the teased hair and I heartily approve. Hello, what's this? A strip club! Ohh what a tease - Doods is only a cocktail waitress while the actual stripper looks like Dee Snider (that is not a compliment). Hmm this strip club is postively jam packed on a Tuesday afternoon. I like your style, Ireland!
No wonder the EU has to bail you titty-loving bastards out! Roffle.
We go from the sanctity of the titty bar to the depravity of the church in one scene when we find out that Taffin was in a seminary at one point. What a waste! Can you imagine Brosnan as a priest? I know the Vatican sure can, a hummina hummina.
That is totally ridiculous and I'm really baffled as to why Doody and Brozzy don't just leave this town full of less attractive people to its miserable fate, especially when the townsfolk turn their backs of Brozzy after his arson gambit doesn't quite play out so well. I would totally forgive Pierce if he burnt half the town down, but it turns out it was a total frame job! The townsfolk refuse to believe Brozzy is innocent even after Doody upbraids them and calls them cowards Grace Kelly in High Noon style. "I couldn't find one set of balls between the lot of you." Hmm maybe Princess Grace wouldn't a put it quite that way, but I hear Donna Reed was a real whore anyways.
I digress...wtf! Gunplay! Brosnan suddenly just kills the three hoods at the center of this sinister corporate plot with some well placed shots. Umm I thought he was a MacGruber type who used his wiles and karate chops to solve problems? If he had no qualms about using guns why in Darby O' Gill's name didn't he just kill those fuckers 120 minutes ago?
As I'm pondering this Brozzy counsels Doody to "Be cool" and I decide he's asking the same of me. Ok Brozzy! I'll let this one slide!
BROZZY RATINGS
The Movie: 10
Dooderiffic appearance by Doody: 10
Leather jacket apocalypse: 10
This movie is perfect, the Irish Spike of Bensonhurst.
* That's right, Doody is the only actress in film history to ensnare three James Bonds: Roger Moore in A View to a Kill, Connery in Last Crusade, Brosnan in Taffin. They were going to put her in a movie with Timothy Dalton, but the implications of such a sexy combo were too much for the producers to contemplate and they resolved to selflessly kill the project lest screenings beget orgy-infused riots in the street. --edit.
TO BE CONTINUED IN "BULLY FOR BROZZY PART III: THE BROZZ AGE"
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