Paul Cooney on The Spiderman Trilogy

SUMMERS OF SPIDERMAN

by paul cooney

Spider Man!

I don't remember where I was when I saw the first Spiderman. Was my scrotum freshly shorn? Was I looking more rakish or more adorable that day? Was I a danger to society in that someone as unrelentingly sexy as myself was practically forcing passerby to molest me, if not outright rape me? Most likely all of the above. Thus I probably sought sanctuary from those stares and gropes in the safe, darkened confines of the theater, where I could feast me peepers on Hollywood's summer spectacle extravaganza Spiderman!

I wasn't really into comics as a lad mind you, what with my dual passions of wiffle ball and spying on my neighbors taking up most of my time. (The things people say and do in the privacy of their own bathrooms continues to amaze me even now!) But I thought the Spidey origin story was pretty cool, and Xena: Warrior Princess was bad ass.

Looking back I'm pretty sure that motherfucker worked! Tobey was a convincing nerd, the school scenes were pleasant and although the Flash Thomspon character was anachronsitic, I cut those crackers some slack. I liked the transformation from bug-bitten geek to arachnoriffic superfreak, and the love story was winsome and bittersweet, even though the female lead was played by Kirsten "Ick" Dunst.

Was I thus naive to believe that the sequels would at least be passable fluff, and not the egregious stains of cinema which they in fact are? Well pardon me for being pure of heart, for having an open mind and longing to love art like I do a lost puppy, a cute one anyway from a decent breed, not some freakishly ugly mongrel. You know what I'm talking about.

Sam Raimi should be shot. Your movies now suck and you spend millions of dollars and thousands of hours making cataclysmically abysmal shit. Fuck you.

SPIDERMAN 2

Prologue!

Millions of people saw Spidey one...out of those millions how many said..."Hey, would be even better if there was a lot more fucking Aunt May in the next one!"

I'm guessing the number would be zero, unless the actress portraying aunt may were asked, and her agent.

The Body of the Critique

Where to fucking begin! Do you have ten hours on your hands?? At times I felt like I was watching the first one all over again...Parker pines for MJ, feels guilty about Ben, wonders whether he should fight crime or not, has a lot of tension with Harry...hmmm this all seems so familiar.

(Thank heavens I was able to see Euro Trip again this weekend, as well as The Pope of Greenwich Village...two awesome films!)

Now then, the stupidest scene in movie history. Doc Ock, who works for Oz Corp (hmm what a coincidence!) invents the fusion thing and eveyone comes to the opening, where he reveals his mechanical arms! And no one bats an eyelash!!!

Mechanical arms fused to my spine! What the fuck?? I'm guessing the original script had a line or two like, "Wait a minute? Fused to your spine and controlled by your brain? That is incredible in and of itself! What an amazing invention! How come you are acting like it is as significant as borrowing a tissue?"

Reporter #2: "And why do you need those arms again? To push a couple buttons? Four mechanical arms fused to your spine controlled by your brain so you can touch a couple buttons??? Why not just hire an assistant?"

Those questions were deleted from the script and instead we get, "Aren't the arms going to take over your brain?" AS IF THAT WAS AN OBVIOUS QUESTION!!!

Single dumbest exchange in movie history. Molina then says something about a chip, thus ending the curiousity over the ridiculous arms! "Ok that makes sense...thank god he invented that chip!"

Moving on...I actually forgave them for that one...suspended my disbelief...was ready to follow the rest of the movie with open mind and heart..then the bank rob scene.

Gee whiz, what are the fucking odds he would rob the same bank Aunt May uses (not in Queens mind u) and at the very time she is there looking for a loan! Astronomical I'd say. And I'm no bank robber but if I ever did rip open a vault door, the last thing I would touch would be the BAGS OF COINS!!! Hey doc! How 'bout the 50's and 100'S!

So the fight begins, and those coins looked cool breaking apart! And Doc Ock takes a hostage...gee whizz once again, happens to pluck Aunt May from the crowd! FUCK YOU RAIMI!

Spidey rescues her and we get painful, "What do you mean two of us?" clunker.

So at this point the movie is over for me, but Elizabeth Berkely was in the theater so I could not leave! True story! Jessie Spano was on line with me at the concession stand! Showgirls was better than Spidey 2!

Moving on to some banal details: why the fuck doesn't Pete live at home? Could save dough on rent and help Aunt May! Don't give me that identity shit cuz he could easily hide it from the old bag...

And give me a fucking break with the communal bathroom! What city is this? Communal toilet?? That the landlord himself uses?? Fuck you!

And what was the cake and milk scene? Why was that in the movie?

And why can't Pete earn money? Charge more for your pictures dickhead! Sell them on ebay! Instead of delivering pizzas, maybe harry could hook him up at Ozcorp!!! After all he is brilliant but lazy! Charmed the shit out of Doc Ock! Oz Corp can't find a spot for him?

Or why not a muscle job he could do easily like construction? Or become a bounty hunter and catch criminals while making bread??

No, he has to deliver pizza...get the fuck outta here!

The plucky New Yorker scene on the subway...that was the worst part of the first movie, glad they brought it back.

Which brings me to Awful Scene Number 2!

Doc Ock steals dough to buy equipment (Which he gets delivered?? Does he sign for this shit with his mechanical arm? Nobody notices all this gigantic equipment and construction going on in that abandoned warehouse on the East River? Does he wear a big coat and keep a low profile when going in and out????)

So he can't buy or steal tritium so he makes the deal with Harry, then goes to find out where Spidey is by asking Peter...

Now then, what was his plan exactly? "I know, I'll throw a car through the cafe window, killing Parker and the chick by crushing them to death, then I'll ask his corpse where Spidey is...OH SHIT IF HE"S DEAD I CAN"T ASK HIM!"

Thankfully Parker dodged the car, which Ock had no way of knowing he could...STUPID SHIT!!!! FUCK YOU RAIMI!!!

So then Doc doesn't even ask Parker, just assumes that the nerd is tough as a rock and seizes the girl instead. Hey shithead, how 'bout asking Parker - whom you believe to be a trepid squirrely photographer - where Spidey is before taking the hostage!

Which brings me to Parker's sacrifice. All movie long whining about not wanting to express love for M.J. cuz Spidey's enemies will put her in danger. "HEY CHIEF! TWO STRAIGHT MOVIES THE BITCH HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO FOR IT, YOU HUMP! THEY SEEM TO TARGET HER AND AUNT MAY EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T KNOW YOU ARE SPIDEY, DOUCHEBAG!"

Gee that was stupid. So was him taking off his mask in every other scene. Why the fuck did he keep doing that? And don't get me started on the psychology shit...

As to the fights...Ock twice has Spidey's head in between arms...did not crush it why??? And Doc Ock has ridiculous mechanical arms, but he is still an out of shape 50+ year old. When Spidey hits his face and body why does it not hurt/knock him out? Stupid! [He doesn't feel it 'cuz he's insane. -- chainsaw]

And when Spidey rescues M.J...how the fuck is the astronaut the first on the scene!???

Bullshit!

Harry with the Goblin mask...Glad the Green Goblin made a second mask in case the first got dirty.

Horseshit!

SPIDERMAN 3

As Spidey 2 was one of the worst things ever shat out onto the world I vowed never to watch another superhero movie not featuring Jessica Alba's brown body, but as a boy scout needing three more acts of flagellation to get my merit badge in masochism I decided to watch Spidey 3, a movie that should come with a bottle of bleach to drink while you watch it in case you want to take the easy way out and kill yourself.

(It's no Gattaca is what I'm trying to say. Now there is a tightly knit movie!)

The opening credits alone feel 3 hours long...the movie hasn't started yet and already I hate it...it's like being seated at a table in the restaurant and the hostess telling you, "You will get diarrhea tonight, I promise, now here are your menus."

Movie begins...a bunch of savvy little kids walk away from the pale and dweeby Tobey McG (who is nothing like the real McG) even as he urges them to stay. Smart move, kids! Run as fast as you can away from that very bad and pasty man. Can I walk out on this obvious shitfest too?

Now Tobey's in class... and they're hitting him with spitballs? In university? In some advanced science class? What university in the world does this happen at? Was Tobey originally in the 5th grade when this scene was written? Do they take their audience for fucking retards?

[Is that Mark Zuckerberg sitting to the right of the spitballer? -- jumpin johnny]

Omg now this fucking dweeb is at a Broadway play. Didn't I buy a ticket to a superhero movie? Why the fuck am I watching this mincing nerd sit gleefully through some shit ass song and dance number? Was he this detestable in the first two movies? Five minutes in and I'm rooting for the bully. Where is Biff from Back to the Future to kick the snot out of this nerdlinger?

Gross - that arrogant assclown James Franco is involved...we're all real impressed, asshole. You act! You go to school...two of 'em! Even though you already have a career and millions so it's just a way to prove to the world that yes, you are a pretentious dick. We got it now asshole, you can drop out. And what's with the ridiculous commute by plane to CT and NYC? They don't have schools in L.A., shithead? You're so cool! So busy with all you're doing, but always time for an interview to let everyone know about how busy you are. Douche. You don't have to work so hard to impress 13-year-old girls you fucking pansy idiot.

Now drug-addled Kirsten Dunst shows up and is puzzled as to why Spidey and Harry don't get along.

"What's with you and Harry?"

"Um, I killed his dad dumbass."

This movie is teaching me to hate.

James Franco looks a lot like Jay Baruchel, and that's not a fucking compliment. A little scrawny for a supposed dreamboat, coupled with his penchant for pretentiousness and his overall preening and lust for attention...your hunk credentials are suspect, buster! You are no Clooney! In fact I should shoot myself for even mentioning a giant like Clooney in the same screed. La Cloon's name shouldn't be sulliled by sharing a page with a pretty boy nothing like Franco.

Some alien glob lands and just happens to attach itself to the one guy on the planet who was bitten by a radioactive spider. I hate this movie.

It's Theresa Russell! Star of Whore! Please kill Spiderman and everyone else in this movie, Tommy Haden Church! He was great in Tombstone. I wish I was watching Tombstone right now, or Big Trouble in Little China. That movie was more plausible than this ridiculous nonsense.

Gross!! Tobey hugs some old broad who needs a haircut. Holy shit this old bat is talking a lot. Did I pay to watch a superhero or did I stumble into Driving Miss Daisy 2? For the love of god somebody shut this fucking bitch up!

Third shot of Tobey on a moped. Nice job director, nothing screams action like this dweeb on a scooter. When exactly does Tobey's sack drop? Spiderman 6? This asshole is super strong, has battled super villains and saved countless sluts from the perils of virginity (or should have), but he still totters around like a young Anthony Edwards. I'm calling bullshit.

James Franco shows up on a magical snowboard, and engages in a ludicrous battle with Tobey...nobody is steering the flying snowboard Green Goblin!!!

There can't possibly be a single person in the world who likes this movie...

Much like Doc Ock this super villain bullshit doesn't make any sense. Al Molina made mechanical arms, but he was still a doughy 50-year-old regular dude. One punch from Spidey should have knocked his tubby ass out. James Franco has a nifty snowboard but he's still a regular dude! How does he do all this superhuman shit? How come he doesn't get injured? Regular dude just flew through an explosion, hit his head against metal at about 50 miles an hour, and fell 50 feet...he should be fucking dead! Who likes this shit?

Franco's head and face just got bashed a dozen or so times against brick and glass. He's dead right? Cuz that would kill everyone. And he would be bleeding profusely. But Sam Raimi sucks my sack.

Now I'm looking at some stupid outdoor lab Tom Haden Church has stumbled upon.

What kind of lab is this? They conduct experiments at 2 am?

The Mummy was such a fine movie...I wish Arnold Vosloo was in this. Imhotep!

Back to the 2 am sand experiment...what the fuck was that supposed to be? They were testing sand in the wee hours of the morning? And there's the alien goo which is taking its sweet time to get going. Is this the worst script ever written? So Sandman wasn't enough, the Green Goblin Jr. wasn't enough, we needed the alien blob too. Way to stay focused, director.

Spidey's fighting the sand guy now...it's boring. Who can be entertained by this? Ray Harryhausen, my new G, was making better movies 50 years ago with a 100th of the budget. And is it too much to ask for a set of cleavage if I'm sitting here for 2 and a half hours? Did our boys storm the beach at Normandy way back when so I could not watch titties?

Back to Tobey's shithole apt. Spidey can't pay his rent? Didn't he get the key to the city? Sell some shit on ebay, you fucking dick. How has this asshole still not found a way to parlay his powers and fame into even a tiny bit of money? Do some interviews! Write a fucking book! Whore yourself out like Billy Baldwin in Three of Hearts!

Spiderman doesn't have his own phone? What the hell was that douche Raimi trying to convey here? Spidey's quaint? He doesn't have a cell phone...or a landline...he uses a pay phone in the hall. Huh? This is too stupid to even ridicule.

Oh shit! Turns out the Sandman killed Tobey's dad! Of course that's not at all what happened in the first two movies, but that's another amazing coincidence....omg omg...were they seriously trying to make the worst movie ever?

Tobey kills Sandman and then goes to his doddering old Aunt to brag about avenging that fossil Uncle Ben's death. (Why are Aunt Man and Tobey so poor? Don't they get a cut of the rice royalties? HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA the rice royalties! Uncle Ben...omg I love it so much.)

Aunt May shrugs her wrinkly old body when she gets the news. Aww aren't you so noble. So she doesn't give a shit about Uncle Ben...whore! Spidey avenges Ben's death and this cold skank shrugs! You never loved him did you? For shame!

Oh shit the guy from Babe! I wish I was watching that movie. This piece of shit is looking more and more like Sin City, which fucking sucked...way to not have Alba get naked, dickheads! Can we all agree Robert Rodriguez blows? He'll never make a movie as good as Gattaca. Oh Gattaca, if only all movies could be as good as you.

Tobey and Kirsten visit James in the hospital til they are booted out by a nurse who inexplicably is not gratuitously attractive. Thanks director. God forbid you'd make one thing in this overlong embarrasment watchable.

James Franco has amnesia! Great - I haven't seen this plot device since the 1,000th time it was used in the last piece of shit sitcom I watched...I'm glad I'm watching a 150 million dollar movie that would never be so fucking pathetic as to do this. How do you look yourself in the mirror Sam Raimi? Amnesia indeed. Fuck you.

But wait! This is awesome! Tobey and James will be friends again!!! James doesn't remember all that nastiness about daddy dying and Tobey stealing MJ!!! Tobey this is your big chance! Tell him not to host the Oscars!

Dunst looks at Franco for a moment. "I think he's gonna be fine" Oh do you, Dr. Dunst? Your 10 second look at him helped you with that diagnosis? Shut the fuck up.

Back to Franco...so he gets hit on the head...and it gives him amnesia...and magical fighting powers? They're not even trying to explain it? No radioactive spider or alien goo...he just got hit on the head but instead of dying he's now awesome. Fuck you.

Am I supposed to hate the main character in this movie? Cuz I do.

Dunst pouts to Tobey..."Oh you have to save someone's life instead of listening to me whine..you suck'

Since when can a girl with an A cup be so demanding? Stifle it, IHOP.

Gross!!! It's Topher Grace! Just when I thought I couldn't hate this movie more, the most heinous super villain of all appears, someone even dweebier than Tobey. Henry Thomas, you are missed!

Does every single scene in this movie have to suck?

Omg Omg...so there is this incredible accident..out of control crane knocks the shit out of skyscrapers and there is debris falling and screams and holy shit..but James Cromwell and Topher take a little time to introduce one another.

Hmm my daughter is dangling 60 stories up and about to die before my eyes, I'm the police chief and I suppose I should be screaming or giving orders or in complete panic horror but hello what's this? Some lil stranger I've never seen before is next to me and I take the time to calmly ask, "Who are you?"

Oh it's her dad standing next to me watching his daughter dangle 60 stories up about to fall and die. I suppose I should do a little networking and be glib and fun. "Edward Brock sir, I was with her last night."

They take their eyes off the girl! They have a conversation like they're at a cocktail party!!!

Cromwell: "What is she doing up there?" Yeah that's what's on his mind, not OH NO! MY BABY GIRL IS ABOUT TO DIE!, but, "Hmm, she doesn't work in that building, wonder what brought her to midtown on a sunny afternoon."

Topher is helpful, "She said had a modeling gig...this must be it." Nice and nonchalant, Topher. Real smooth.

THESE TWO ASSHOLES HAVE THIS BANAL CONVERSATION AS IF THEY ARE LOOKING AT A GIRL ACROSS THE STREET GETTING FUCKING COFFEE! SHE IS DANGLING 60 STORIES UP ABOUT TO FALL TO A HORRIBLE DEATH! THEY TAKE THEIR EYES OFF HER TO ENGAGE IN A LITTLE BANTER! FUCK YOU SAM RAIMI!!! FUCK YOU AND DIE! THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON OUT OF 6 BILLION WHO WOULD REACT THAT WAY!!! YOU FUCKING CUNT! HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY WRITE SOMETHING SO AWFUL?

Spidey saves the day and then everyone just clears out to let Topher and Spidey have a friendly convo...not worried about more debris? Cops not clearning the place off? She's the only one in danger? Sam Raimi you cunt, they should bring you to Nuremburg and have you answer for these crimes against humanity. Guilty!

Wtf? The buzzer on J. Jonah Jameson's desk?? What the hell is going on here? Now I'm watching terrible slapstick?

Back to Broadway!!! God, I'd rather watch Rent while pantsless on a Turkish submarine than sit through this movie again.

Awesome, the dvd keeps skipping and I'm mercifully missing some scenes...maybe there are miracles after all...baby jesus, after you finish skipping this movie for me, could you stop giving other babies cancer? Thanks, asshole...nice job making this world by the way: aside from disease, rape, mass murder etc, it's fucking great.

Bruce Campbell lowers and plays a Frenchman. This is a blow. Where is your dignity, Bruce?

Gwen shows up at the restaurant while the pasty and dweeby and utterly weak suck Tobey was going to propose to his skinny, charmless, and talentless girlfriend. What a repulsive couple and another coincidence!!! Sam, you sure love coincidences don't you? Not at all the sign of a lazy untalented hack.

Oh no!!! James Franco is remembering!!! I didn't think that was going to happen! What an amazing twist! You got me, Raimi. That is some fantastic screenwriting. Will you be a dear and kill yourself?

MJ sets Tobey up! Treacherous bitch! In Central Park no less!

Omg Tobey's crying! Pussy! Since when do superheroes cry? And what business did he have falling in love with a dopey no talent who has such small breasts?

So Franco threatens Dunst to betray the love of her life...and she does it. Why doesn't she tell Tobey the truth? He's fucking Spiderman!!! He's like the greatest thing in the world outside of Smallville, a town where people run into each other less often than they do in Manhattan incredibly enough. He's Spiderman, you dopey bitch! Tell him! He can handle shit!

I can see Sam Raimi whirling his no talent imagination around this movie...

"Hmm how to let the audience know Spidey has gone bad....I could put him in the black suit...but would they get it? Maybe I'll give him an emo haircut too. So there won't be any confusion."

So when Spidey goes evil he looks like Jared Leto? Why do you hate 30 Seconds to Mars, Sam Raimi?

In worse news found out today that Sam Raimi is a Republican...well lah ti dah ain't that a fine how do you do. As if I needed another reason to hate that no-talent dick.

Crowd turns on Spiderman after one story in a tabloid about him robbing a bank, a story lacking very many details I might add, some cunt quips "How am I supposed to feel safe?"

Oh so after all the heroics and lives saved Spidey gets accused of one bank robbery by some tabloid rag and now you fear he's going to personally rape you? Fuck you, you bitch. Such fickle disloyal fucks don't deserve such a superhero! Let them die next time, Spiderman!

Spidey gets some balls and dances...shouldn't he have gotten some swagger in the first movie? What the fuck? It's taken some alien goo for him to get confidence?

Omg the Sandman is coming back? Goddammit will this movie not end?

Jesus Fucking Christ more singing and more villains...it's like Spidey 3, 4 and 5 were combined into one gigantically shitty movie...and now Raimi is ripping off Will Ferrell's Anchorman jazz riff. You son of a bitch!

Finally something to cheer about, after a bizarre song and dance routine Tobey starts swinging haphazard like in the jazz joint and that treacherous no talent Dunst gets knocked on her uppity ass with a vicious Tobey punch! Shut your yap and go clean up table 6, you washout!

This really might be the worst movie ever made. I can't believe there are critics who didn't shit all over this insult to humanity. So Topher goes to church to earnestly pray for Tobey's death, and Tobey just happens to be in the bell tower. Another coincidence! Amazing how these people are so interconnected in a giant metropolis of 8 million people. Did Raimi drink the same "talent vanishing potion" Stephen Sommers downed before making Van Helsing?

Oh wow...MJ is held hostage by a super villain...again...never has a chick with such small tits been made such a fuss over by so many.

Sandman and Topher team up to take Tobey down! Now we're cooking! I knew if I watched this inane mess for over 2 hours something would happen. Tobey knows he can't handle these two monsters by himself so he... asks Franco for help?

Umm didn't he kill him by throwing a pumpkin grenade right by his head when last we saw?

Oh, I guess he lived. Tobey hopes Franco will let bygones be bygones... "Say James, sooo sorry about spoiling your face and killing your dad pretty boy, could you help me now? I'm in a bit of a jammy poo."

Franco broods. "No! I'm still mad at you for killing my daddkins and making half of my face look all messy. I won't help you. Leave me alone."

The old butler comes clean and reveals that Willem Dafoe killed himself, and that Platoon was a terrible terrible movie. A little late, asshole! Maybe you should have dropped that intelligence a sequel ago! Hello, what's this? Did that codger just come on to James Franco? Gross.

Wow...my first genuine laugh the whole movie...Tobey's truly terrible acting when Topher reveals himself with his bad dentures. "My god...Eddie." Real convincing there, Tobey. Where is Amy Hathaway to teach this weakling how to act?

Topher and Tobey have their dramatic confrontation:

Topher: "Do you remember what you did to me?"

'Umm it was like 2 days ago...yeah."

Why did Topher's teeth go bad? Who gives a shit this movie is almost over.

Some English chick comments for the tv as MJ hangs in a web and Spidey battles the sandmonster and the black spiderman...and would tv news really cut to the anchor yammering on about it instead of just holding the live shot? Of course not, but Sam Raimi is a shithead.

Some stupid kid says, 'Wicked cool"...are we in NYC or Boston? Shut the fuck up, kid. This movie is not "wicked cool." It's putrid and horrible.

So those cheap ass grenades that couldn't kill shit suddenly can blow up Topher and the alien goo in one blow? Can you stay consistent for a second Raimi, you douche?

I stopped watching for a little bit but suddenly Tommy Haden Church is reasonable and spinning some bullshit tale about how he aced that old asshole Uncle Ben by accident. Tell it to the judge, you jerk!

Instead of saving Franco, Spidey listens to Tommy Church whine. Go get help, you dick! Your boy is dying!

Franco naps...oh what's that? He's dead? Thank fucking god. Can we get life to imitate art?

More singing! Great I was hoping this picture would end with Dunst the chanteuse. Oh no! She stopped in midsong! You ain't getting paid for that ditty you washed up skankwaif.

The End!!! Huzzah!

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