Summer 2011: May, Page 2

SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW 2011

MAY 13

BRIDESMAIDS (Paul Feig, Universal)

Two women (Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph) lock horns over control of their friend's wedding party.

PAUL: Woo! Move over Will Smith! Your reign as the box office champ is coming to a close! Wiig and Rudolf are coming at you...gotta be fucking kidding me. Didn't we let broads make Thelma and Louise? Wasn't that like last year or something? Why are we letting dames make another movie? Wasn't Sex and the City enough? Have all the dishes been cleaned? Mitt Romney do something about this bullshit you creepy Mormon cocksucker!

ERIC: Again with the weddings. I feel like there's an entire generation of SNL cast members who have done their stints on the show and moved on to film careers without me ever learning their names, despite the facts that a) I'm fairly pop-culture savvy and b) I work in the same building that they do.

This looks like one of those might-be-just-fine-if-a-tad-mediocre SNL-graduate comedies not based on a pre-existing SNL sketch, like, say, Baby Mama, as opposed to an awful "I guess we'll turn this into a movie and make a quick few million" SNL movies, like A Night at the Roxbury.

JOHN: MacGruber bitches unite! Hopefully Maya Rudolph's wedding will end the same way it did in that movie. Do you think she keeps getting married in all these movies because Paul Thomas Anderson won't marry her, even though they have like three kids together? I almost feel sorry for her...almost.

I really, really want to be able to credit the genius of "Freaks and Geeks" to someone other than Judd Apatow, but creator Paul Feig has made it increasingly difficult for me to cite him as that person. First he directed that horrible-looking Caviezel movie I Am David, now he's the one behind this self-described "fro-mance," the latest in a long line of "play to the female demographic" sure-fire hits. The preview seems to be playing to the peanut gallery, with yucks carved out of a fat chick belching, getting high on a plane, some "hilariously" bad dancing, food caught in teeth, a Fight Club joke...a Fight Club joke?? What fucking year is this?

(Whatever - I made a Tonya Harding joke earlier, who am I to judge?)

On the other hand, Weird Al Yankovic did twitter that it's hilarious so I guess I don't know what to believe.

PRIEST (Scott Charles Stewart, Screen Gems)

A priest (Paul Bettany) disobeys church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece. From the director of Legion, also starring Maggie Q.

PAUL: I'm suing this movie for stealing my life story, right after I leave the theater cheering! My heroic uncle, the dreamy priest, who did look a lot like Paul Bettany, did rescue me from vampires (other priests.) All the while I was giving an Asian prostitute who bore a striking resemblance to Maggie Q my allowance money to go out with me so I would be cool and be able to quit my lawnmowing job. I'm intrigued by this picture, and I have come to like Miss Q through her fine work on "Nikita." She also destroyed Ethan Hawke on a street corner once, while playing a whore mind you, and the dame really knows how to wear a beret, which is one of the three skills a broad should master before she turns 30 (at which point her existence becomes irrelevant anyway...I mean that in the nicest possible way.) Of course the other two skills are wearing knee high boots and never talking about shoes and purses in my presence...Jimmy Choo Jimmy Who gives a fuck sweetness! Where is my dinner?!

ERIC: Why am I under the impression that Paul Bettany is an actual actor deserving of respect? Is it because he’s married to Jennifer Connelly? That doesn't sound right. Anyway, this looks silly. The best part of the trailer was watching Christopher Plummer bring his actorly actorliness to the line "There is no vampire menace!" Priest growling things in his Batman-voice is a close second. Not the best part: flying crucifi daggers.

JOHN: Of course most people don't know this from the preview, but among the supporting cast of this film is one Ms. Madchen Amick, making her first appearance on the big screen since...I'm gonna go with, ever? (I lived in Germany when Sleepwalkers came out - don't tell me that had any kind of theatrical life?) At any rate, welcome to the big leagues Ms. Amick! Your character has the same last name as a much younger actress (one who wasn't even alive when "Twin Peaks" debuted) so unless you're supposed to be the mature older sister I'm guessing it's mom roles for you now. Still, I'm more excited to learn about you being in the movie than, say, Maggie Q.

Brad Dourif's in there too. I'm not bringing that up because I think that will somehow improve the overall production (just check out his track record of appearing in shitty ass movies), but because it's a reunion of Tobe Hooper veterans! Finally somebody read one of my letters and, as a result, the stars of I'm Dangerous Tonight and Spontaneous Combustion are now sharing the spotlight together. I guess the director, who has three first names, is a fan of Mr. Hooper's. But what the hell Scott, Charles and Stewart - none of you could spring for Mathilda May?

Other than that, I'm just confused. It's based on a comic? I never heard of it, unless the studio bought Garth Ennis' Preacher, didn't read it, heard there was a vampire in there and this was the result.

Did it really have to be vampires? I didn't really like Legion, but at least they came up with this sort-of cool idea of having heaving angels as psychotic, shape-shifting monsters. So why couldn't Bettany be a priest fighting demons? Is he gay like the priest from that faux-controversial 1994 movie? Anyway I'm glad Bettany has cashed his Nicolas Cage chip early, not waiting around to win that Oscar before launching into ridiculous shit like his. I mean it's not like I was following his career in crap like Dogville and Wimbledon. I was following his wife for a while, but a court order put a stop to that. I seriously hope he and the director become the Scorsese and De Niro of stupid-looking CG Hollywood genre pictures and make like eight more movies like this.

I can say from the preview, and from seeing Legion, that this guy's style is not as respectable as Guillermo del Toro and not as fun as Stephen Sommers, but it definitely marries those two styles. It also looks part-Mummy, part-Underworld, part-Book of Eli and, of course, huge part-Blade. In other words, I have no excuse not to see this movie at some point down the line.

MAY 20

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES (Rob Marshall, Walt Disney Studios)

After crossing paths with a woman from his past (Penelope Cruz), Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is swept aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge, the ship of the formidable pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane), on an unexpected mission to find the elusive fountain of youth.

PAUL: They're still making these pictures? When does Johnny Depp throw his old "Jump Street" buddies a bone? He works with those cats for years and can't give 'em a role as a pirate or ensign? Have a heart, Johnny! Have a fucking heart you wanker!

ERIC: I think even people that love the first trilogy will agree that there is no need for this to exist. But it does exist, so what have we got? Well, we added Ian McShane as Blackbeard. That's good. We lost Orlando Bloom. Also good. Traded Gore Verbinski for Rob Marshall. That seems like a wash. Lost Keira Knightley's cheekbones, but added all of Penelope Cruz, so that's a net gain. I think we may come out ahead on this one.

JOHN: We're on our 4th or 5th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, yet there's been neither hide nor hair of a single Bandidas sequel. What gives?? C'mon Luc Besson, quit chasing that freckled boyish anorexic Eurotrash tail and get on top of it - vamanos! At least we have half the Bandidas team (literally) onboard, and I have to admit that Penelope Cruz is a reasonable incentive to try and get people like me who dropped out of this series two movies back...uh, onboard. I can't seem to stop making these pirate ship puns. Anyway, let's all welcome Rob Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!-shall to the crew, and...ah, shit. I was trying to think of a way to work "scurvy" into "curvy" while describing Penelope Cruz but I just can't figure out a way to make it happen. Really "mizzen" the jokes here.

Ok that's enough. Unlike this series I know when to stop. I will, however, point out that "on stranger tides" sounds like some kind of euphemism for feminine hygeine. Is there anachronistic Tampax product placement in the film? Cuz Cruz is sexy, but I don't want to see her heaving anything up her crow's nest if you follow my meaning.

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS (Woody Allen, Sony Pictures Classics)

A romantic comedy about a family traveling to the French capital for business. The party includes a young engaged couple forced to confront the illusion that a life different from their own is better. Starring Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard and Adrien Brody.

PAUL: My Woody Allen streak is over! Freida Pinto forced me to sit through one of his movies! Holy mediocre, Batman! People make a fuss about that dweeb?

Tall Dark Stranger Danger! That creepy old man has a viagra prescription and a clarinet!

Having long been opposed to both the clarinet and statutory rape I have assiduously avoided the films of Woody Allen. After all, in my jet-setting life style as one of America's premier slackers why would I waste even a moment's time with that perverted nerd when I could be watching Spanish soap operas or the cinematic stylings of malnourished yet shockingly energetic Alexis Love?

I mean who in the hell plays clarinet anyway? I could see if it was 1650 and your oppressive uncle who happens to be a Duke pulls you from poverty but insists as a precondition of rescuing you from the imperial salt mines that you have to take up the clarinet so his chamber music ensemble is complete and he can use your charms with the woodwind to seduce that Countess who has stubbornly refused to open her legs for him thus far.

But in the 20th century? Didn't they have guitars where the Woodman grew up?

And if you're going to commit statutory rape at least pick a girl who's good looking? Am I right? That's a trick question and depending on your answer I suggest you seek psychiatric help and consult your attorney.

I digress. So it was with great pleasure I was able to state for many years now that I ain't never done seen a single one of that dweeby little freak's talky little movies. But things have changed! I admit I was intrigued when I realized that he had abandoned his usual oeuvre - "unattractive people yammering a lot" - and moved on to horror movies.

Woody Allen hops on the Saw trend? Who woulda thunk it? But rather than lower himself with some cheap shocks and tawdry gore the Woodman goes for something even more terrible and horrific.

An in-depth look at his personal life?

No.

A simple still photo of his nude body?

Dear god the rating doesn't exist to warn people of that atrocity.

Instead the Woodman exposes an unsuspecting world to the grotesque spectacle of the unbelievably beautiful Freida Pinto being wooed by the odious Josh Brolin.

My testicles! My poor testicles! From engorged to shiveled in a span of seconds as I watch the peerless Frieda playing a real instrument in one frame and then the evil Brolin ogling her in another. Woody you sinister son of a bitch!

Only someone as lovely as Freida could cause me to break my Woody streak...is there a pun in there? Probably.

In any case even a few frames of her face are worth sitting through a bunch of other, lesser, grotesque characters doing uninteresting things. And if you are actually into that nonsense A Tall Dark Stranger will not disappoint you. These are some of the most unappealing people I've ever watched in a film! Not only are the majority of them elderly, but they're English to boot! Gross!

Did Thomas Jefferson really strangle King George to death and then bludgeon the Queen with the Liberty Bell so 200 years later I could be subjected to silly, pale, banger and mash eating people with ridiculous accents jibber jabber about nonsense no one who loves apple pie and cheerleader pussy could ever give two shits about?

Fuck no he didn't!

Back to the movie...there were some dusty old English people talking but then Freida appeared, being called to across a courtyard by her creepy neighbor Josh Brolin who invites her to lunch. Now, considering there is a downpour outside/she's engaged/he's yelling at a woman whose name he doesn't know she turns him down when he asks her to lunch right?

Wrong! She must have been famished cause she agrees, and then after his crummy conversation and gross leers ends the afternoon with yet another repulsive comment about wanting to have lunch with her again and please keep your shades up so I can watch.

Does the Woodman realize that without fame and wealth you can't be a repulsive pervert and get away with it? Josh Brolin wasn't starring as "Woody Allen in the Woody Allen Story", in which case he could be a disgusting gross monster and wind up with the younger woman/step daughter, whatever.

This character is supposed to be an ordinary guy! A boring whiny guy lacking in self confidence! Woody! You dick! Boring average douchebags who yell out at strange women who look like Freida Pinto and say they like to watch them through their windows with their boyfriends do not actually wind up with those women! They wind up in jail, you hack.

Where was I? Holy crap the rest of this movie. How is Woody Allen popular? Are all his films like this? Are people really so desperate to be entertained and pulled for a few moments from their ordinary boring little lives with their petty little troubles and desires that they enjoy watching a bunch of boring ordinary people onscreen bitch and whine and pine and struggle with mundane little troubles?

The guy from the Silence of the Lambs trots around with a really homely whore. Unforgivable! There wasn't some attractive bimbo dying to be cast in that role Woodman? God your taste in women is horrendous.

Some old broad sees a fortune teller and says a lot of stupid stuff while Naomi Watts lusts after Antonio Banderas when she isn't busy whining. People actually like these movies better than the Fast and Furious series? I find that hard to believe.

Thankfully the incredibly beautiful Freida was onscreen from time to time, though it was hard to watch a doughy and oily Brolin woo her with his stank of failure. What did she like about him exactly, Woody? It don't make no sense! She even leaves Paul Bettany's lil bro just before their wedding.

The movie doesn't even really end, and certainly doesn't contain and shots of Miss Pinto taking a bath, or emerging from a bath, or pleasuring herself while watching the greatest hits of Rocco Siffredi. Shame on you Allen! Now do the world a favor and die already!

You won't get me this time Woodman! Absent a certain enchanting young Indian actress there is no way in shit I'm going to watch another one of your creepy talkfests. Save the speeches on love for your stepdaughters, Romeo!

ERIC: I wouldn't use the term apologist, but I'm much easier on late-period Woody than most, and I straight up love a bunch of the newer stuff. This, however, doesn't look very good. They couldn't seem to find any one-liners that worked for the trailer, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the film. It also appears that they couldn't find the guy who shot Vicky Christina Barcelona, because Paris doesn't seem to be getting the same treatment that Spain was getting. Also, I don't really know that I want to stumble around an Allen film with Owen Wilson as my Woody stand-in. But still, it's this year's Woody Allen movie, so what choice do I have?

JOHN: I heard a rumor about the plot that seems to be the reason they're keeping it so "secret," but honestly it's not really a big deal. Without giving anything away, the apparent "secret" has to do with a certain science fiction element added to the otherwise straight forward story. But Woody Allen's had a lot of science fiction in his past movies: the aliens in Stardust Memories, the characters walking off the screen in The Purple Rose of Cairo, Zelig's human chameleon, all of Sleeper. As Paul pointed out, Josh Brolin ending up with Freida Pinto could only have come from the pen of a registered fantasist. So why would it be so out there for Allen to throw a little sci fi in to try and spruce up the tepid waters of the well he so reliably keeps returning to? What's the big deal?

At least Owen Wilson isn't voicing a dog. Unless I heard wrong, and that's the movie's big surprise. Which actually could be neat.

MAY 27

THE HANGOVER PART II (Todd Phillips, Warner Brothers)

Right after the bachelor party in Las Vegas, Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms), Alan (Zach Galifianakis), and Doug (Justin Bartha) jet to Thailand for Stu's wedding. Stu's plan for a subdued pre-wedding brunch, however, goes seriously awry.

PAUL: I suppose it was inevitable that Zach G, the hero of Out Cold and frequenter of bodegas located near strip clubs, would lose some of his luster once he hit the show biz magic big time. Suddenly he's too good to work with a legend like La Gibson just cause saucy Mel is a woman-beating racist? Whatevs Zach. Bradley Cooper is more odious than Mel could ever be by the simple fact that he is Bradley Cooper. Did you see the A-Team? Didn't that do more damage than the holocaust? If you think about it...yes...yes it did. Think about it!

ERIC: I can't wait to see who Zach Galifinakis is going to marry in The Hangover Part III. Seems like it's going to be more disturbing than funny when Ed Helms wakes up and realizes he can't remember how or why he castrated himself, though.

JOHN: Jesus, have you seen the poster for this movie? It makes it look so fucking depressing! Are they in the same room as the one at the end of Videodrome? It looks like all three of them have just been used and abused like Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream, with an innocent monkey thrown into the mix. It makes me think that it would be awesome if the producers of the Hangover sequel decided to turn it into an actual addiction melodrama. I don't think that's been done before (Fletch Lives being the obvious exception), and it would be hilarious to hear people complain that their ordeal in this movie was more like Leaving Las Vegas than Honeymoon in Vegas.

Mike Tyson's cameo in part I was dumb. Now there's all this controversy over who's appearingin part II - Mel Gibson rejected, Liam Neeson's scenes cut. Is it really that hard to come up with a stupid obsolete celebrity cameo? I mean the they could have gone with Roethlisberger to fill in "sports hero/rapist" quota...too obvious? C'mon guys, if Wayne's World 2 could drum up Rip Taylor, why can't you Hangover producers dig Wayne Newton out of a ditch? Or Patrick Ewing? David Copperfield? How fucking hard is it?

I am excited to see all my favorite characters from the first movie: the fat one, the nervous one, the douchebag. The guy who does the exaggerated Asian accent. The shrill women. The, uh...midget? I honestly don't remember anything about it.

KUNG FU PANDA 2 (Jennifer Yuh, Paramount)

Po (voiced by Jack Black) and the Furious Five venture to China to battle a villain and uncover the secrets of Po's mysterious origins.

PAUL: I had a pet panda once, his name was Roscoe, and I taught him martial arts. He left home one day and joined the Kumite. Fast forward a few years later and they're making movies about him. Do I see any royalty checks? Fuck no. Taught that ungrateful bear everything he knew about kung fu but I'm eating cold beans out of a can and he's hibernating with every starlet in la la land. You're on the list, bear!

ERIC: I tend to just dismiss American animated features that aren't made by Pixar, but I caught the first Kung Fu Panda on cable, and it is kind of awesome. Genuinely funny, and the fight sequences kind of kick ass. If I had kids, I would be excited for them to ask to go see this.

JOHN: I'm feeling pretty apprehensive. Just watched the original on Blu-Ray the other day. It's so fucking good, and I love the scene just before the final confrontation with Tai Lung, where Po's goose father (adorably voiced by the great James Hong) seems like he's about to tell panda Po he's - obviously - adopted, but it turns out he's actually revealing something else to him. It's a great throwaway gag, and I instantly thought 'Jesus, I hope the sequel doesn't get desperate and make a subplot out of Po being adopted.' And I don't know, but "uncover the secrets of Po's mysterious origins" sounds to me like they plan to do just that.

Against all odds the first one was awesome, mainly thanks to co-director Mark Osborne. The sequel is helmed by Jennifer Yuh, who has apparently directed nothing but some episodes of the "Spawn" animated series from the late 90's. Ok that's not really fair, she worked as a story artist on the first movie but her credentials are still highly suspect. At least it's written by the same guys as part 1, but then so was Shanghai Knights.

My daughter was just given a panda bear doll in a pink kimono: I named it "Gong Li" but if KF2 ends up being anywhere near as good as the original I'll consider renaming it "Jennifer Yuh."

THE TREE OF LIFE (Terrence Malick, Fox Searchlight)

Follow Jack O'Brien from his upbringing in the 1950's Midwest, through his complicated relationship with his father (Brad Pitt), to his adult life in the modern world, as he seeks answers to the origins and meaning of life. Also starring Sean Penn.

PAUL: Now I enjoy pretentious shit as much as the next guy...hmm wait a second...hello what's this?...it's a message from my brain telling me that no, I hate pretentious shit like the garbage this hack churns out. Thin Red Line? Zzz...zzz...zzz...cliched nonsense! The New World?? Nobody even saw that shit but everyone agreed it sucked. I mean you put a half-naked teenage Polynesian girl in a movie and I don't watch it? You know it must really blow. But because Captain Ego waits years before releasing his crummy portentous snoozefests we're all supposed to drop to our knees and take his bloated balls in our mouths. No siree, Terrence! You can dangle your scrot in front of some other suckers but this film lover is Audi 5000! Speaking of which, how dare they make Fast Five without Lucas Black and Natalie Kelley. I'll never forgive Paul Walker.

ERIC: It is impossible to describe how excited I am for this movie. I had promised myself to stop reading articles, reviews, and watching promo stuff in an attempt to stop building up my expectations, lest the movie inevitably disappoint me when it finally arrives. Then I told myself it would be ok to watch the trailer just once in order to write something about it. It is now downloaded to my desktop and I just watched it three times in a row.

Now, you may look at the trailer and say "Wow. That looks like a pretentious piece of shit." If this is the case, that's fine, but don't come near me during the last week of May, because this will be all that I'm talking about.

JOHN: Here's my primary concern: it's about a tree. Movies about trees haven't turned out so great. Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain (space tree), William Friedkin's The Guardian (baby-eating tree) and M Night Shyamalan's The Happening (homicidal trees) all fall under this arbor-trary subgenre. Then there are the obnoxious living trees in Lord of the Rings. I remember liking Trees Lounge in high school, but I'm pretty sure there were no actual trees in it (someone will have to confirm that for me.)

No, clearly I'm looking forward to it. Malick's got a new movie in the can and he's out there filming another one!? What's next, they find and kill Osama Bin Laden?

(Reading Paul's thing made me wish Lucas Black and Natalie Kelley were starring in the movie instead of Brad Pitt and Sean Penn.)

TO BE CONTINUED!

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