Summer Movie Preview 2010 Part 3 Page 3

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The Switch

An unmarried 40-year-old woman (Jennifer Aniston) turns to a turkey baster in order to become pregnant. Seven years later, she reunites with her best friend (Justin Bateman), who has been living with a secret: he replaced her preferred sperm sample with his own. Written & directed by the dudes who made Blades of Glory.

EP: I would conceivably rent this.

CF: Hey, you know who else needs to disappear? Justin Bateman! And Darryl Worley needs to write a song about Teen Wolf 2. He doesn't even need to record it, I'll sing to my own arrangement, thank you very much Mr. Worley. Jennifer Aniston has Sandra Bullock syndrome where she's too darn likable for me to have a single bad thought about her but on the other hand it's not like she's ever done a single thing in any capacity that would make me like her. At least Aniston didn't marry a white supremacist. To me, that's the under-reported part of the whole "Jesse James cheated on that poor Sandra Bullock with a tattooed slut!" story: Bombshell McGee was undoubtedly a white power nutjob and then (immediately) photos of James playfully posing in Nazi garb surfaced, so he's clearly cool with white supremacy, even if he doesn't have "Arbeit Macht Frei" tattooed on his forehead (he's probably too lazy.) So...how does Bullock not get any of the "white supremacy" taint on her? I haven't been with my wife as long as Bullock and James were together and I would have no doubt if Maritza were even slightly down with white supremacy. It's just something I can't believe didn't come up. Maybe that movie Crash is more autobiographical than she would care to admit and her white power soul was only cured when she recently fell down some steps. But James didn't fall down any steps, did he? And she must have known he didn't fall down any steps and therefore thought the van-load of slaves really were just a bunch of dopey Chinamen. What I'm saying is: Bullock had to know Jesse James Bergen-Belsen liked to put on Nazi hats and smirk while doing a Sieg Heil. There's just no way you can be married to someone and not know that. So...is it unreasonable to think that if she's not a Jew-hating, Arab-bashing, dopey Chinamen-condescending white power militant, that's she at least racist enough to be ok with portraying a deeply self-interested Ole Miss football booster as a saint and her football prodigy charge as an overgrown, monosyllabic man-child, an ape of a man-boy with only a remedial understanding of what it means to be human even though the real football star is an articulate interesting guy who hated his portrayal in the movie so much he refused to talk about it in any capacity even though the movie was a huge hit just as his team was slapping the genius out of Bill Belichek in the playoffs?

The verdict: Sandra Bullock has nothing to do with turkey baster pregnancies and "the dudes who made Blades of Glory."

PC: Hmmm Jennifer Aniston? Isn't there a nice pasture we can put her out in? I mean we'll give her plenty of cud and stuff...lots of room for exercise and everything.

Whatever, she's no Saldana...I'm kind of intrigued by the plot of this bad boy. Dude switches the sperm this old chick uses to impregnate herself with. That sounds like rape to me. I love courtroom dramas! Send Bateman's ass to jail!

JC: Is this a remake of the Blake Edwards classic where Ellen Barkin plays a dude? The one I always saw in the video store and would set next to Me and Him (talking penis movie) just to imagine what a perfect double feature that would potentially make? Perhaps this is a glorious combination of the two films, where Justin Bateman's talking penis convinces him to fill up a turkey baster which his friend Perry King, reincarnated as Jennifer Aniston, then uses to inseminate him/herself.

No actually, it turns out this is a film co-starring...Juliette Lewis! See how everything comes around? Jesus I would hate to be the turkey baster that SHE used. Also it hasn't been widely publicized, but this is based on a short story called "Baster" by Pulitzer Prize winner Jeffrey Eugenides of Virgin Suicides fame. Which makes me think that the movie should be as skeezy as it sounds. But the poster looks just like The Back-Up Plan, so which is it, a leering, uncomfortable tale of biological manipulation or a wacky date comedy with hunting, charades and ever so many delightful romantic misunderstandings? Because I agree with Paul: even if Bateman spilled the donor spooge while drunk and replaced it with his own love honey out of some drunken sense of patching up the problem unbeknowst to Aniston, it's kind of horrible. Kind of really horrible. In fact isn't that what Ben Roethilsberger was suspended for? Enjoy your violation comedy, middle America!

Tally: 1-3

Lottery Ticket

Over a long weekend, a young man living in the projects tries to outwit his neighbors after they learn he has a winning lottery ticket in his possession. Starring Terry Crews, Keith David, Ice Cube, Brandon T Jackson, Mike Epps and Bow Wow.

PC: Fuck this bullshit...they made this when they could have given Tyrese the funds to make his dream project, "Butler in the Hood" instead? What a waste.

Lil' Bow Wow? Young MC was busy?

JC: Ever since The Honeymooners starring Cedric the Entertainer I've been hoping and praying for a black person version of the Shirley Jackson classic. I take it that Bow Wow plays the young wife who is mercilessly stoned to death? Unless his Hulk van from Tokyo Drift makes an appearance I will not be scratching this ticket anytime soon. Wouldn't it be funny if he ended up the same as lottery ticket winner Rainer Werner Fassbinder at the end of Fox and His Friends, the jacket stolen off his corpse in the subway?

CF: Am I reading this right? Did they remake Rene Clair's Le Million starring fully-grown Bow Wow? Shoot, there are worse ideas for summer movies. Those worse ideas involve Justin Bateman, a turkey baster full of ejaculate and "the dudes who made Blades of Glory." I can actually see this being a nice little sleeper like Next Day Air or Booty Call or some other small over-achieving comedy (one not starring black people, for example.) Brandon T. Jackson was fine in Tropic Thunder and Like Mike has always been a favorite oddity of mine, so really the stars are aligned as far as semi-obscure justifications for giving this one a chance. Can I just get confirmation on whether it's still a musical or not? I'm leaning towards, "I hope it's not a musical this time" because the "wacky musical" genre has to be the most tired genre in currently. Oh my goodness, can you believe they're singing and dancing with a spirited dose of irreverence! They're unexpectedly merging musical forms with dischordant dramatic forms! Bonus points for being a left-field non-sequitar musical number! Totally set to an 80's pop song! I hope they go the opposite direction and make it a comedy but a little uncomfortably gritty and realistic. You know what I'm saying, give a Boaz Yakin's Fresh kinda vibe but still keep it a goofy comedy starring Brandon T. Jackson and Shad Moss. I want Trepass crossed with Le Million. Is Walter Hill directing this or what?

The verdict: There are some really above average semi-obscure justifications for giving this one a chance.

EP: This movie looks totally pleasant. And, as an added bonus, it features a performance from the great Keith David.

Tally: 2-2

JC: Wait, Keith David?? I'm back in.

Tally: 3-1

August 27
Piranha 3-D

A tremor under the surface of Lake Victoria unleashes scores of prehistoric piranhas, an event which rallies the local sheriff (Elisabeth Shue) who will risk everything to save her townsfolk. Directed by Alexandre Aja. With Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell and Richard Dreyfuss.

EP: This movie looks like it knows exactly what it is, and exactly what it needs to do to satisfy its audience. An audience that might very well include me. In addition to footage of spring break and man-eating fish in 3-D, the movie also has Christopher Lloyd in a role that looks like his character is named "Scientist." It's that kind of movie. I think that's a good thing.

CF: Huh. Everything about this movie is headed in opposite directions. Jerry O'Connell and Eli Roth? Aja doing a cheesy 3-D piranha film? A remake of a great little film made great only by virtue of director Joe Dante? Elisabeth Shue? With Richard Dreyfuss? Christopher Lloyd is still around? I had to go watch the trailer to figure out what's going on here and I'm not sure that I have. The trailer is deeply enjoyable, but also one of those enjoyable trailers that feels like it belies a movie that can't sustain such enjoyableness for any amount of time like an hour and a half. And what's with setting it in Africa? Why bother with making your 3-D killer fish movie scientifically accurate? Ving Rhames, you should know better.

The verdict: Two thumb stars!

PC: Kangaroo Jack is back! Elisabeth Shue is babysitting these kids in the outback, when suddenly she realizes she doesn't have enough money to get back to Chicago. Enter a kindly Kangaroo with a sack full of cash...only one hitch...piranha! Elisabeth Shue? Are you sure Hollywood? Are you sure there aren't any buxom 20-year-olds who want to be in movies? You made me wait a decade before you finally made Sofia Vergara a star...you clearly have no fucking idea what you're doing. [John and Chris would like to point out that Paul's disparagement of Elisabeth Shue is not endorsed by everybody here at the Pink Smoke - they certainly appreciate Ms. Shue's work and have enjoyed - individually - many a splendid wank to a little film called Palmetto, which she is not even nude in, such is the power of Shue! Now that's talent. Also a friend of theirs used to have a vhs copy of the Academy Award-nominated Leaving Las Vegas, which it turns out was cued to her topless scene. Pretty funny. Anyway, Maggie Gyllenhaal can continue to burn in the innermost circle of Ugly Hell. --ed.]

JC: No questions what items are gonna be in 3-D this time, Pfriender: fish! Giant fish with big teeth, munching on your face!

At the last theatrical movie I saw (Avatar), the guy behind me clapped after the preview for Knight and Day and booed at the preview for Piranha 3-D. That man lives a very sad life that's going to end in a double suicide that paints the inside of his trailer home red. Better yet, how about an ironic death by piranhas? You know, I was under the impression that the plural of "piranha" was simply "piranha," not "piranhas." I guess I'm wrong. So how come both the Joe Dante film and this new one are called Piranha instead of Piranhas, as we're dealing with more than one? I guess they're saving that title for the sequel, even though that would make no sense whatsoever.

I like Aja, despite the stupid ending of Haute Tension. The rest of that film leading up to the stupid ending was good, his Hills Have Eyes remake was an improvement over the original and even Mirrors had its moments. He's a worthy helmer and genuine horror aficionado. How do we know? This is actually...Piranha Part 3! Not a remake or a reimagining a'la the soulless Platinum Dunes - an actual sequel that acknowledges Joe Dante and James Cameron's earlier movies for Corman: PIRANHA 3-D! Just like Step-Up 3-D! It's subtle, enough so people like the idiot sitting behind me in Avatar won't scratch his head and claim there hasn't been a Piranha 1 & 2 recently, but I guaran-fuckin-tee it's intentional. And that fact makes me all the more excited to see it.

Tally: 2-2

Happythankyoumoreplease

A look at the lives and loves of six friends in New York City, and how their existence is changed when struggling writer Sam (Josh Radnor) finds himself the unlikely guardian of a young black boy who becomes separated from his family in the subway. Written & directed by Josh Radnor.

CF: I can't even stomach thinking about this movie. That title...the description...get this out of my sight.

The verdict: Oooh-hoo-hoo, a movie written and directed by a doofy, charisma-deficient tv star? I hope it's as good as Run, Fatboy, Run!

PC: Dude finds a boy on the subway and takes him home? Gross. Are the police notified? This reminds me of that time I left school early to get fireworks in Chinatown. There was an explosion all right...in my pants! Never trust a nasty man on the subway, especially when you're a fresh faced young lad wearing your best new shoes! (That's not political humor.)

JC: I've seen a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother," a show supplied with an immeasurable amount of charm by Jason Segel, Alyson Hannigan and of course NPH. You'd think it would be impossible for any one person to deplete that heavy dose of likeability, but Josh Radnor works his smarmy magic and single-handedly makes the series perpetually unwatchable. To be fair, it's also a sitcom that is clearly in love with itself, its generational pop culture references and obnoxious attempts to create new ones like "suit up!" and "slap bet!" A t-shirt with a laugh track. But this Radnor guy comes off as such a loathsome douchebag that any moments of the show that are successfully pulled off bits of comedy or chemistry between its stars inevitably get ruined just by the fact that this insufferable turd is around. And just because he saw Smoke at some point and decided to swipe the plot for his own New York "indie" doesn't mean I should give a shit.

Also, "separated from his family in the subway?" New York City isn't The Hague during World War 2! It's fairly easy for families to stay together down there, unless of course the parents ditched him on purpose. The Josh Radnor Story?

EP: I couldn't find a trailer, but I did find a clip of the filmmaker discussing his movie on youtube. But really, the trailer wasn't going to help. And neither did the clip. It's a movie, starring, written, and directed by a sitcom actor, and it's about a struggling writer living in NY who meets a young boy that changes his life. No, I don't want to see it either.

Tally: 0-4

Going the Distance

A romantic comedy centered on a guy (Justin Long) and a gal (Drew Barrymore) who try to keep their love alive as they shuttle back and forth between Chicago and Los Angeles to see one another.

PC: Wow...Justin Long and Drew Barrymore are doing things? Strangely I've always be disinterested in the mundane goings on of unattractive people. Where and what distance do I have to go to avoid ever seeing this piece of shit? I'll be there!

EP: Can't find a trailer. But it's a romantic comedy starring Drew Barrymore and a Mac. You should already know whether or not you want to see this. You do not need any help from me.

CF: It's almost like their love is Up in the Air. Do Long and Barrymore even count as a celebrity couple? I can't even judge his level of fame since everyone knows him as the Mac guy and I've actually been a fan of him and known his name since Galaxy Quest. I even remember thinking, "hey, it's Justin Long" when I saw Jeepers Creepers, so clearly I have to recuse myself from the judgement of Long's notoriety. And it feels like it has been forever since Barrymore had a hit or rode the zeitgeist or portrayed a Charlie's Angel. Her girl roller derby movie didn't even cause a ripple despite getting more or less positive reviews and featuring Ellen Page in her first real Juno follow-up. I sure didn't see it. Are Barrymore and Long famous? It just seems like a bad idea staking a movie on them, even though I like them. It's funny, this is one of the shakiest bets of the summer, at least as far as the "do Hollywood executives really think this has some chance of success?" factor. With everything else on this list, its fairly transparent what the thought process was as far as greenlighting the film was - sequel, based on a comic book, standard Will Ferrell movie, niche audience, counter-programming, etc. - with this one it seems like they're really relying on it being a good movie. That's the only thought process that's viable here. It's not "Angelina Jolie and Gerard Butler wanted to do it, so we just let them" or "people liked to tv show, they should love the big budget comedic re-imagining of the material" or "he sure is ugly and Judd Apatow knows ugly dudes" - they only play here is either "Justin Long and Drew Barrymore are a celebrity couple and, as Hollywood executives, we are morally obligated to foster their joint creative efforts" or "this is a good script, two likable actors with good chemistry" and "it just might work."

The verdict: We're headed out of the summer into fall, when movies can justify their existence by quality or artistic ambition, not just awesomeness.

JC: All I can think of is the Cake song about masturbation. Sounds to me like Barrymore and Long are all alone in a time of need. And I'm not talkin' bout John Barrymore and Shelly Long - jesus, what decades are you mixing together you backwards bastard?

Well whatever decade it is I'm not sure it's Drew Barrymore's. She may have had a successful comeback with Charlie's Angels, but that seems like ages ago. I've got nothing against Justin Long. I even agree with his agent when she said "Justin Long is a movie star, not a commercial star!" He headlined Accepted. He was in Galaxy Quest. Against all odds, he was indelibly charming in the fourth Die Hard and Drag Me to Hell. He can definitely go the distance (and ease his pain...if he builds it, they will come!) I'm just not sure this generic vehicle will carry him there.

Tally: 1-3

The Last Exorcism

A troubled evangelical minister (Patrick Fabian) agrees to let his last exorcism be filmed by a documentary crew, where a possessed young (Ashley Bell) brings him face to face with the devil himself.

EP: Again, can't find a trailer. But based on John's description, the pitch went something like this: "Blair Witch meets The Exorcist!" And based on its position in the release schedule, the marketing meeting after first screening went something like this: "Oh, well. Just dump it at the end of the fucking summer."

JC: The title makes it sound almost nostalgic. "Aw, the last exorcism. Is it really the last one? We've had so many great exorcisms I can't believe there'll never be another..." Then Bette Midler will sit on a desk and sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and Sam will close up the bar for the last time and Alan Alda will look out the helicopter and see the giant "goodbye" spelled out on the field below and there'll be a 21-gun salute with no encore.

So here's the pitch, Hollywood: the student filmmakers from The Blair Witch Project team, Diary of the Dead douchebags and the Belgian crew from Man Bites Dog team up to make a documentary about the stupid couple from Paranormal Activity being trapped in an apartment building with the zombie tenants from [REC]-slash-Quarantine while Mr. Cloverfield destroys the city outside. Get me the Poughkeepsie Tapes of those rushes asap! Seriously, are producers under the impression that horror becomes more "real" when it's placed in the context of a phony documentary or "found footage?" They've been trying to create another Blair Witch for the last 12 years, and I guess with the success of Paranormal Activity we're going to have to stomach several more of these brainless exercises in "reality horror." If this was a tv series, with a group of 13 young, hungry Catholic priests vying for the slot of America's Next Top Exorcist hosted by Max von Sydow I might be excited for it. Unless Father Safran got eliminated straight away - that would be unacceptable!

PC: The pope blames all those child molesting priests and the church that enabled them on the devil and calls upon one last exorcism to dispel the evil spirit that causes holy men to stick their soft fingers inside the pants of dainty little boys. The exorcism goes awry when someone realizes that those dress wearing idiots haven't a clue what they're talking about, follow the inane teachings of a ridiculous book, and are part of a repressive cult of celibate backward thinking morons. The church collapses as a result and thousands of clergymen are jailed for child molestation.

Finally the feel good comedy of the summer! My rabbi loved it so much he didn't rape me afterward.

CF: The first exorcism wasn't my cup of tea, so why would I give 1/10 of 1/2 of 1 shit about the 238th retelling of the tale of a spiritually conflicted man of the cloth who rediscovers his faith when confronted by the truth of True Evil? Is this an official sequel? Or it is just a shameless, really sorta sad, bald-faced melding of The Exorcist and Creeping Peeping Videos (or whatever that Blair Witch-y thing was called last year. Paranormal Encounters? Ghost Room? Blurry Things That Happen Just on the Edge of The Frame and Are Therefore Scary?) My question is this: couldn't they have gotten Friedkin himself to do this? I'd be interested to see him work with some Dogme-esque creative restrictions and do the whole "remake your film, but with only hand-held camera and 15 edits per minute" thing. Bug was great, but his whole career needs - no, deserves! - a kick in the ass. Ah, it probably wouldn't work 'cuz who's scared of the Devil these days? Somebody needs to do a reboot of Satan. He's just lost his umph. Too many negligible appearances in the bodies of little girls. And he's always in court getting out-witted by slick orators or trumped on legal technicalities. It's a little sad. Hell and curses and possessions - they're just not upsetting anymore. Hell needs a reboot is what I'm saying. Then they can do a retcon of the reboot. Like they're very wisely doing with Spiderman because getting the guy who made a super-shitty indie dramedy to take over a lasting and beloved character from one of cinema's most inventive visual stylists, a proven artistic commodity who undeniably delivered the goods on no less than 2 of the 3 films (and delivered the Box Office on all 3), a screwball genius whose talents are tailor-made for bringing Peter Parker to the big screen... when you have the chance to blow up a good thing because of whining internet commentators and bring in a flash-in-the-pan nobody, well, you have to do that. Just somebody please make hell scary and Spiderman awesome. Forget it, Sam Raimi already did both.

The verdict: Doing something stupid when doing something smart would be so easy and obvious... that's Hollywood for ya, I guess.

Tally: 0-4

And that wraps up our exhaustive examination of the upcoming summer movies! Hopefully it's been somewhat helpful, or at least sporadically amusing. Check back with us at the end of August for an update on the films we saw, the ones we avoided, and what titles - if any - turned out to be worth the price of admission.

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