Join John Cribbs on a journey through the full run of HBO's early 90's horror anthology Tales from the Crypt. You might expect us to make a series of Crypt Keeper inspired puns here in our intro, but c'mon we can't compete with that guy. Instead, we'll simply say that there's no grand idea behind these episode-by-episode recaps, they were prompted by Cribbs' interest in delving into a series that he was not intimately familiar with in his youth.

In addition to being laden with heavy-hitters distinctly of the era like Demi Moore, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Zemeckis, Tales from the Crypt features numerous Pink Smoke favorites like filmmakers Walter Hill, Rodman Flender, Steven E. DeSouza and Tobe Hooper as well as a wide variety of the kind of character actors that we love: William Sadler, Michael Ironside, Lance Henriksen, William Hickey, Grace Zabriskie, a rotating assortment of Paul Verhoeven regulars and even Dr. Giggles himself, Larry Drake. Hell, it's the early 90's so Morton Downey, Jr., Sam Kinison and Heavy D. even somehow end up figuring into it all.

Sorry: there's no delectable twist ending for this intro in which our sins are ironically and violently pointed back into our own faces. It's an intro to an episode guide.

{SEASON 1, EPs 1-3.}
{SEASON 1, EPs 4-6.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 1-2.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 3-5.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 6-8.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 9-10.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 11-12.}

Season 1, Episode 4: "Only Sin Deep"
Director: Howard Deutch
Original air date: June 14, 1989

The first four episodes of Crypt have been the stories of individuals: impulsive, remorseless killers who the writers and directors are tasked with making sympathetic enough for us to care about them for half an hour. So far, they've succeeded - Bill Sadler's vigilante is so passionate about his work we can't begrudge his serial killing. Mary Ellen Trainor buries the fire poker deep in the skull of Marshall Bell, but is then immediately forced to defend her daughter from a homicidal Santa. Joe Pantoliano is... well, he's Joe Pantoliano, the most charming scumbag since film & television were invented. This episode illustrates what happens when the main character is just a little too repellent to enjoy, with the desire to see her punished by fate reaching its apex about five minutes into the episode.

We're at the halfway mark of the short first season, and already two directors have given the lead part to their wife. Which is nice, kind of brings a family feel to the production. This time the team is Howard "Getting Even With Dad" Deutch, most famous for directing John Hughes-scripted movies (but, weirdly, not Dutch), and spouse Lea Thompson playing Sylvia Vane, a street walker who's exceptionally boastful, conceited, arrogant, narcissistic - ugh, what adjective am I looking for here? - about her looks. She's quite ostentatious about being attractive, yet puts her face up as collateral when a pawnbroker offers her the cash she needs to take the first step towards acceptance in high society. A delicious set-up - it's another adaptation by Fred Dekker - but once Thompson wins the heart of a millionaire playboy it's more tepid melodrama than macabre comedy. This wicked take on Cinderella may have pre-dated Pretty Woman, but it never taps into the show's trademark brazenness - sort of shocking for an episode that opens with a hooker murdering her pimp. It's presented in a classy, inoffensive style with 80's movie flourishes like a dress-changing montage, which anyone who's seen and enjoyed the show will tell you is just not the right approach (it's almost as if Hill, Zemeckis and Donner didn't let Deutch in on the gag). If they were going for a more authentic-feeling horror story, all I can say is Thompson's atrocious Brooklyn accent doesn't help, and when she affects that grating "future Lorraine McFly" voice as she gets uglier (older?) it's even worse. C.

Notes:

- The first, and certainly not last, bad pun title (see also: next episode).

- As far as John Huges goes, I keep waiting for someone to bet me $10 that Branscombe Richmond is not in Curly Sue. 'Cause he fucking is.

Season 1, Episode 5: "Lover Come Hack to Me"
Director: Tom Holland
Original air date: June 21, 1989

*SPOILER*
Here's how effective this episode is: the twist is that Amanda Plummer is an axe-wielding psycho and I DID NOT SEE IT COMING. I'm not even being sarcastic - I honestly thought the actress most famous for turning out to be an axe-wielding psycho in movies from the early-to-mid-90's, even portraying the real axe murderer in So I Married an Axe Murderer, was cast here as a delicate, vulnerable wallflower who wouldn't end up killing anybody. Even when a gigantic axe is prominently displayed early on in the episode, I didn't suspect a thing.

Here's the thing about TFTC: it's got a formula. It's a highly entertaining formula, and one that's easily played out among numerous scenarios. But 5 minutes in you've pretty much figured out where it's going, how it'll end, etc. And that's fine, because the fun is all in getting there. The great thing about this episode is, I genuinely didn't have any idea where it was headed the entire time. Sure you've got the scheming newlywed stud of a husband who's introduced being accused of only marrying awkward Amanda Plummer for her money. We know how things end up for that kind of character on this show, but once the honeymooning couple come upon an abandoned mansion in a rainstorm you're thinking, ghost? Ghoul? Haunted house? The fact that the episode doesn't take off running but draws the audience in by leaving us in the dark for a long time is a huge credit to Michael McDowell, writer of some of the best and creepiest horror books of the 80's, who adapted the story. I could see how this one wouldn't be a lot of people's favorite - it skimps on the gore until the very end, then it delivers! - and it probably suffers upon syndicated viewings. Still, very effective episode. B.

Notes:

- Holland and McDowell later reteamed for an adaptation of Stephen King's Thinner, which was much-maligned at the time and continues to be considered a lesser King movie. But I like it.

- Having been a certain age at the time Crypt was on, I'm well aware one could go into any given episode with a good chance of seeing boobs. What I neglected to notice at the time was how many romance novel cover models the series trotted out to play the male romantic interest, at least based on the last episode (Brett Cullen as Lea Thompson's millionaire boy-toy) and Stephen Shellen, who shares his waxed buttocks with the audience, in this one. (With that in mind, Walter Hill kind of dropped the ball casting non-hunk Gerrit Graham as the playboy who goes hot-tubing in the first ep.)

Season 1, Episode 6: "Collection Completed"
Director: Mary Lambert
Original air date: June 28, 1989

In my humble opinion, the sixth and final episode of Tales from the Crypt's first season is its all-star, and most likely a highlight of the entire series. Not only does it check off every prerequisite in terms of humor and grotesquerie, "Collection Completed" caught me off-guard as an authentically insightful character study. Returning from a party celebrating his mandatory retirement, M. Emmet Walsh's Jonas walks into his house of forty-seven years as if it's the first time he's ever been there. An ardent workaholic used to coming home, eating dinner and collapsing into an arm chair in front of the TV, he's been spiritually absent from the domestic environment for so long, his lonely wife Anita (Audra Lindley, a.k.a. Mrs. Roper) has channeled decades of unrequited tenderness towards the care of her many pets. Reeling from post-retirement idleness, Jonas is benumbed by the spectacle of cat birthday parties, tropical fish in the bathtub and a dog enjoying a full slab of breakfast steak. Walsh, a pro at exuding orneriness and malcontent, is hilarious reacting to each of these increasingly surreal scenarios but also oddly sympathetic to anyone aware of the occasionally uncomfortable cohabitation of closed quarters. Example: the tensest moment in the episode is when Jonas needs to poop and Anita won't take the hint and leave the bathroom.

Even as tensions between the couple rise, it's easy to see where each of them is coming from. Anita's been left with the run of the house and turned it into a mini-zoo: pampering birds that stop by the windowsill and baking birthday cakes for her cat like she's Burgess Meredith in The Sentinel has become her stable routine. She is clearly insane, but since the alternative is playing thankless caretaker to an ungrateful boar of a husband one can hardly hold it against her. At the same time, Jonas naturally feels entitled to some respect and a peaceful living environment after busting his ass for forty-seven years and can't deal with being superseded by "every flea-bitten parasite that trips across my doorstep," including a bulldog who Anita has given his name. The real tragedy is that these two just can't acknowledge each other's feelings and find a dynamic that works for both of them. Holy crap, TFTC - you touched me in a way that doesn't make me want to take a shower afterwards!

Then of course comes the inevitable nasty turn, during which we sit in anticipation over whether the giant golden hammer Jonas received as a retirement gift or the absurdly large garden sheers will be the implement of choice for the more murderous of the pair. The final resolution is kind of horribly beautiful (or beautifully horrible, depending on your point of view). Mary Lambert, director of Pet Sematary, seems a logical choice for this gig, although if you think about it there aren't too many animals in Pet Sematary - just a cat, who offers a servicable performance (there are like 100 cats in Mick Garris' King adaptation Sleepwalkers). Walsh and Lindley are both excellent, and Martin Garner is perfect as their well-meaning neighbor: his reaction to Walsh maniacally trimming the hedges is hilarious. Season 2, the bar's been set. A.

Notes:

- The episode was co-written by Battle Davis, editor of The Ninth Configuration and Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (later Lethal Weapon 3 for Donner).

- Lambert's had a weird career, making a classy documentary about female senators one year (14 Women, 2007), the Sci-fi monster movie that united 80's tween stars Debbie Gibson and Tiffany the next (Mega Python vs. Gatorid).

- The Cryptkeeper's host segments have been surprisingly low-key in the first season; apparently he gets zannier and more pun-happy in season 2.

- I was curious whether the Weezer song "My Name is Jonas," which dropped five years later, was inspired by this episode. Nope, turns out it's about Rivers Cuomo's brother having trouble with his car insurance or something. Rivers' brother is not named Jonas, he's named Leaves (yes I'm serious). At any rate it's a very catchy song that inspires positive feelings - maybe if it existed at the time of this episode bloodshed could have been avoided.