A notice from The Gentleman of Leisure

THE TORONTO INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL 2012 PREVIEW

PAUL COONEY

featured: Paul Cooney and some of his more reasonable fans. (please note that in
reality Mr. Cooney does not like blondes - except for the Tis' - and would not hang
out with so many non-Asian/Latina youngsters.)

page 4

CANADALAND!

As a reknowned gentleman of leisure and aspiring cad I've relaxed and lechered in cities all over this globe and I can say with certitude that Toronto is one of my top 17 cities all time. Sure it's a little on the ordinary side but it does have a crepe place and the ladies of ill repute come in a variety of ethnicities you can't find it a redneck shitbox like Sioux Falls. Yes, I'm tearing you down Iowa! Fuck corn!

But what could compel an otherwise sane person to do something as crazy as visit the vast expanse of nothing that is Canada in the first place? The longing to suckle syrup directly from the tree? To test the vaunted politeness of Canadians by kicking the first one you see in the balls and seeing if loses his temper? Cinema?

It's cinema! Can you believe that shit? I know I can't, cause as far as I know electricity still worx in the States and we have a movie screen or two, so why the hell is there a respected film festival in Toronto of all places?

Jehovah knows I could understand if it was held in Montreal, a wondrous metropolis abounding in old world charm and massage parlors, but Toronto has some unfortunate flaws like "law" and "order" that put a damper on a degenerate's attempt to revel in vice.

I remember the first time I went to Canadaland...truly an age of innocence! At the border we didn't even have to show id's, the guard merely asking us a few questions like, "Are you carrying any weapons?" "Do you have any drugs?" "Why does my mother bear no affection for me?"

As we were drug and weapon free and had no reservations about castigating his mother as a cold hearted tramp he let us pass with much fanfare and a tradition of seeing movies in Canada began!

Oddly enough I've only seen one movie in all my years of going to the festival, Ecstasy with Canada's very own princess, half-Chinese half-Dutch ingenue Kristin Kreuk. Of course I only sat through that medicority in hopes of meeting her afterwards and sharing with her the harmonica infused operetta I had composed in her honor. Sadly for me she didn't appear at the post-screening chit chat and my budding ecstasy turned to agony. LOL! I'll give you a moment to see what I did there.

FESTIVAL HIGHLIGHTS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS

Paul Plays the Hero:
While staying at a hostel I came to the aid of some desperate young fellow who was taking a dump in a stall without toilet paper. (True story!) Once my good deed was finished and his dirty deed was done I found myself invited out on the town by this now lighter Canadier and his brother. Two genuine Canadiers! (Virtue may be its own reward, but sometimes, when you fetch TP for a dirty Canadian hiney, you are rewarded twice! -Write that down). It was an amazing opportunity to learn more about the country almost nobody is curious about, from two authentic Canadian cats who look and sound and dress and think almost exactly like your average American. I had so many questions! Do they really love maple syrup? Does anybody admit to hating hockey? Where are the Jews?

These young rascals who's names I don't remember didn't really want to be interviewed and instead took me to an arcade and we played video games. Then we went to the strip club. It was like something straight out a Norman Rockwell painting, if Rockwell were Canadian and liked going to strip clubs in the afternoon.

I tried to steer clear of actual Canadians on subsequent trips, and for the most part that strategy has paid off, though the intervening years remain a blur. I think Tim Horton's puts some sort of memory cleansing agent in their timbits cause I am having trouble recalling virtually anything else that happened to me up there. I guess there aren't many hilites!

Tourist Traps:
Don't go to the Bata Shoe Museum! As amazing as a museum dedicated to shoes sounds... you have a closet don't you? Open the door, look at your shoes, and think of all those amazing trips to Payless and the Salvation Army that helped you accrue that astonishing collection of footwear. Now bend down... inhale... don't be shy!... that's it... take a big whiff of your collection. That's years of life in those sweaty soles! Smell the history! Congratulations! You just saved yourself the time and trouble of going to a shoe museum and learned something about yourself in the process.

Celebrity Sightings:
When you're at a huge mega festival like this one you are sure to have multiple run ins with super mega stars. Over the years I've run into several, including one of the Wilson brothers...not Owen, or Luke, not even chunky Luke...I think his name is Andrew and he has a beard. Colin Farrell. Ran into him at the airport. Told him to not make Total Recall...(this was years ago mind you)... and that wee Irish fuck looked me dead in the eye and said, "Listen mate, as devastatingly handsome and obviously sensible as you are, I'm gonna do the exact opposite of what you tell me!" We see how that worked out for him.

Toronto Musts:
Canadians don't like to shake hands, so it's important to follow tradition and hug as often as possible, and that includes strangers, and feel free to let your hands wander. It's a cold culture and they appreciate the warmth!

Toronto Eats:
The McDonalds on Queens West and Spadina has the cutest baristas! (Go after 3 when they're not in class, the old hag working at 2 isn't exactly liberal with the cinnamon and doesn't laugh at fart jokes!)

Toronto Fun Facts:
French Canadian girls are apparently easy. Toronto has some. Indulge at your whimsy.

Exit Strategy:
Should you run afoul of the mounties avoid the direct dash to Niagara Falls and freedom. They will cut you off before you get within 10 miles of Buffalo! Instead make tracks for Thunder Bay and go the roundabout way towards the Upper Penisula. Drop some bacon bits behind you to stall them, and, if cornered, mutter something about being bitter that Bieber left for the States and they might think you're Canadian and let you off.

Happy Travels!

- PAUL COONEY, september 4, 2012.

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