A SEXY LOOK AT THE MOVIES OF 2010 (plus some from 2009 and 2011)
Why go to the movies when you can go to a massage parlor? It's an age old question that has been definitively answered. You shouldn't! Now maybe you know an enterprising masseuse who will pop on a film like Deep Rising or Tremors while she saunters off to get more oil, but failing that you really should avoid the theater entirely and spend your hard earned dinero on loose women. They are more satisfying and nobody in the row behind you complains when you throw popcorn at her!
Think about it. When you're on your deathbed, (and according to my sources that day is coming sooner than later), you're not going to say to yourself, "Crap! I really shoulda spent more time looking at fey bores like Michael Cera in 2 hour long shitfests!" (But if you do spout nonsense like that be on the lookout for the Jamaican nurse who already hates you to put a little something extra into your IV drip and send you off to hell a few hours early.)
More likely you'll be saying, "Jehosophat! If only I had another day, I would make like Errol Flynn and run wild and pantsless to every cheap ass back alley tug joint I can find!" I know it, Shakespeare knew it, and you bet your ass even that wizened old prude Mother Theresa knew it too. (Make her a saint already Pope Benedict Arnold! What's the delay asshole? That holy old bitch really did some rock solid work over in that hellhole that's just as bad off despite her decades of toil. Was it a waste of time? Who gives a shit.)
Edge of Darkness...pity that darkness didn't move past the edge and eclipse the whole screen, thus sparing me any sight of this generic mediocrity. What the fuck was with that accent Mel? I mean I can tolerate your special brand of psychotic racism and misogyny, in fact I encourage and applaud such things ( they make great conversation starters), but that grating accent was completely unnecessary. Everybody hates Boston! And I understand you were supposed to sniff a sex toy but wussed out? Is that true Melsy Welsy? Where has the hero of Gallipoli gone? You're dead to me.
Tooth Fairy...I remember those beautiful days when the world feared The People's Elbow and The Rock played a space marine. Now he puts on a tutu and prances around on ice. El Rock stops droppin People's Elbows and starts churning out kiddie flicks by the half dozen. I smell what he's cookin and it makes me want to retch! More space marine roles! If he makes one more children's movie I'm throwing my support behind the Miz. Let's pray his agent dies quickly and The Rock can be unleashed once again!
The Crazies...Unlike the woeful "Justified," The Crazies delivers the Olyphant-infused goods. I love true stories! The craziest thing about that movie is that Olyphant doesn't have a smokin hot fling with one of the sexier zombies. Even undead broads have to appreciate his sex appeal don't they? Are they fucking retarded?
Cop Out...Obviously I never saw, nor will ever see, such a total piece of shit. What I can't figure out is how Southwest Airlines has sense enough to not even let that gargantuan hack Kevin Smith board one of their planes based on the sheer awfulness of his being. Why the stench of his failure alone is liable to bring a jet down! The airlines say no, and yet Hollywood continues to say yes, and gives this assclown millions of dollars? Just how many failures does this Jersey turd need to churn out before someone in la la land wises up and tells him to take the bus back to Shitsville, population: 1 overcoat-wearing Asshole.
Brooklyn's Finest...It's not Spike of Bensonhurst, and that's the only movie about Brooklyn worth seeing. But still, who didn't enjoy Gere's turn as sleazeball cop in Internal Affairs? In addition, Ethan Hawke-with-facial-hair remains America's greatest treasure. Remember when he killed that fey boy in Dead Poets Society? And then Brendan Fraser scored the winning touchdown before Matt Damon had him shipped off to a death camp? They don't make teen movies like that anymore since John Hughes died while watching Curly Sue on laserdisc.
City Island...Who told me this movie was good? There is no island you can escape to or hide on that I won't find you and choke you to death with Andy Garcia's back hair! Revenge! I didn't think you could set a movie in the Bronx and have it suck, but these stoonads proved me wrong. Other than a certain latina porn starlet with prominent hip bones there is nothing more appealing on screen than an immature jerk who spouts insults at the other characters, yet in this slice of shit the obnoxious teen isn't endearing at all! Incredibly I was on the side of the annoying parents and was hoping one or the other would engage in child abuse. Bizarrely the boy is featured in a subplot in which he befriends an obese neighbor because he gets off on feeding overweight ladies food. Seriously. There is some other bullshit featuring an unappealing English actress and Italians moving their hands but let me assure you it is not worth watching. How do you feature a movie in the Bronx and not showcase some scantily clad Puerto Rican girls who may or may not have high moral standards? The Bronx still waits for some auteur to make its masterpiece, its own Spike of Bensonhurst.
Green Zone...Matty Too Hotty from Southy Damon will need a lot of therapy from Robin Williams to get over making this stupid stupidass movie. It's your fault Matt! Say it! It's your fault! I feel molested after watching it. And Hereafter? I'll see that one when I'm dead. HAHAHAHAHA. Hang up the holster Clint, your pistol's empty (take that American legend!)
Greenburg...Oh, some whiny dick says shit for two hours? And you want me to pay money to sit and watch this? Am I in some bizarro world where porn and prostitutes don't exist? Why the fuck would I ever do something so stupid? Wow I wonder what boring conflict Greenburg is going to get into next? Just shut up and die already Greenburg you dick. What is this movie even about? Only if it were titled "Sludge" could it sound less appealing.
Hot Tub Time Machine...Certainly wasn't great. Cusack is puffy and gross and Clark Duke looks like something the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man shat out and put glasses on, but it had some laughs here and there. Sad to see what has become of Lane Meyer however. Did that French chick ditch him for Roy Stalin after all? Rob Corddry, Clark Duke, John Cusack and Craig Robinson...congratulations you four are more gross than the Sex and the City harpy quartet. What Corddry lacks in hair he makes up in being a dick. What Clark Duke lacks in flab he makes up in paleness. John Cusack can't make a good movie unless Hillary Duff is involved and Craig Robinson is adorable.
A Single Man...Handsome swish has a bad day. Cheer up you sonofabitch! You're Colin Firth! Mercifully Julianne Moore's pale and pasty figure made only brief appearances, and the film looked nice overall, but the endless procession of Abercrombie models was a little distracting and redonkulous.
Marmaduke...Better than Garfield! Step up your game you cynical cat! Did Owen Wilson really try to kill himself before this movie was released? It may have been a horrible movie but in the words of Stevie Janowski that is one bad ass dog.
Killer Inside Me...Alba in the role she was born to play: whore. Could have used more nudity though...baby Jesus gave you that luscious tawny body for a reason sweetcakes! Think of all the impoverished boys in Bombay and Kinshasha and everywhere else around the world whose desperate lives would be brightened just a bit if you would at least flash those tits for a few seconds. Mired in third world poverty, suffering through an existence of abuse and endless strife, but sneaking into the movie theater hoping for just a glimpse of some faraway Hollyood starlet's soft curvy talents. Be that light Jessica! It would be like that last scene of Cinema Paradiso except even more touching and beautiful. Do it for the children Alba! You'll be 40 soon enough and that perkyness doesn't last forever. Who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at her after Into the Blue. So good! Casey Affleck miscast as a thug who beats the hell out of broads cuz he is psycho. Casey Affleck? He looks a little dainty to me.
There were hundreds of movies put out this year and thankfully I missed most of them! So much shit being churned out! It's like Hollywood is one big intestine and the world is its toilet. That reminds me, legendary drunk and effete alleged heterosexual Peter O'Toole once gave a bit of advice to an aspiring actor who asked him for an ashtray. "My dear boy," he said as he flicked his own cigarette onto the ground, "make the world your ashtray." LOL! Rascal! What a fucking terrible attitude! Some of us have to live here you shit!
Predators...Some people said, "Adrien Brody an action star? He going to destroy people with his nose? That's ridiculous. He's grossly miscast and that movie will suck." Well to those people...congratulations you really were spot on.
Inception...Hello gorgeous! A lot of fuss and fanfare has been made of this silly little film that was long on wacky visuals and short on anything interesting or tits. Now I'll give the director a lot of credit for assembling a cast of dreamboats and dressing them to the nines. It was like I was back in the days of Clark Gable, Errol Flynn, and some other debonair fuckers, swilling martinis before heading out in Packards to ride train on Veronica Lake. But how bout something for the straight guys you asshole? Don't lipstick lesbians deserve something to ogle too? I spent two hours watching impeccably tailored hearthrobs look suave even while running through dusty African shitholes, but the only broad onscreen for most of the interminable time was Ellen Page, rocking her sweatshirt and possessing the sex appeal of an anvil. Not one of the dudes so much as flirts with her, and these are red blooded young fucks who would plow Betty White if they had a bag for her head and notarized assurance that her brittle body could take it. (I see big things ahead for this Betty White dame incidentally. Lot of buzz around that dusty skank! Very comical lady apparently. She and the homeless guy with the golden voice really should work together soon. I never get tired of news stories about them.)
They did stuff in dreams or something. I can barely remember it, but I'm pretty sure the fine folks who made Innerspace and Fantastic Voyage have a lawsuit on their hands. Incredibly enough even in the '60s they knew enough to gratuitously toss in Raquel Welch and have her unzip her little microscopic jumpsuit from time to time. 40 years later my dick hibernates while Ellen Page looks homeless in skinny jeans and Tosh 2.0's hand me downs. Inception? More like abortion! HAHAHAHA.
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