A SEXY LOOK AT THE MOVIES OF 2010 (plus some from 2009 and 2011)

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The Sorcerer's Apprentice...Gross. Of course it sucked, I just can't figure out how I ever even came to see it. Nic Cage and Jay Baruchel together? Why not have AIDs and the holocaust team up and start a day care center? I wouldn't send my kids there! No siree Bob! Spoiler alert: Nic Cage kicks ass and Baruchel gets the shiksa in the end, despite his incessant squinting, grating voice, and endless dickishness.

Ramona and Beezus...A three tissue release! I await the sequel with open hand. [Mr. Cooney's opinions do not reflect those of thepinksmoke or its affiliates, only a few of which openly support underage buggery. --ed]

Charlie St Cloud...Zac Effron silences the critics. At least those critics who said he could possibly sustain a career post-High School Musical. You're nothing without the Tis, shitface!

Dinner for Schmucks...As if the shitfest that was Get Smart wasn't enough, accountant-turned-movie star Steve Carrell steals Pete Rose's haircut and churns out another 2 hour bore, playing an annoying semi-retarded dick, or in other words, himself! HAHAHA Zing! I don't really remember this unfunny remake of a fagatocious french film, but I've also blocked out many memories of my extended private confessionals aboard a certain priest's yacht. What kind of priest has a yacht anyway? In retrospect that was a real red flag, as was his velvet cassock and rosary beads in the shape of disco balls. I digress, Steve Carrell...you boring unoriginal cocksucker. You remake French films, rip-off Ricky Gervais' shit ass show, make a shit ass sequel to a garbage Jim Carrey film and star in something called Dan in Real Life, which I have no recollection of, but which I can say with certainty is a fucking disgrace. I don't like you Steve Carrell, even your fucking name is dull! Whose idea are you going to steal next? Josef Stalin's??? You're a monster and I hate you!

The Other Guys...Much like Pineapple Express, starts out a comedy and inexplicably veers towards action movie as it inexplicably blows past the 90 minute mark and will not fucking end! Eva Mendes willingness to do nudity goes grossly (and completely) underutilized while the relentlessly unappealing and English (redundant?) Steve Coogan is overutilized (put onscreen). Will Will Ferrell follow this up by doing a comic book movie in which he drives around in a car named after a hornet with an Asian pop star who doesn't speak english? Unlikely.

Eat Pray Love...You got me. Normally I wouldn't see trash like this but Julia is America's Sweetheart and I am an American! So I got me some apple pie and went down to my local cineplex and sat enchanted for two hours while a Mexican girl gave me a languid handjob for less than minimum wage. You want to make a 2 hour exercise in globe-trotting narcissism and self pity palatable, do yourself a favor and engage the services of Marisol Gomez. Even with a decade of field work under her sombrero she retains a delicate pair of hands with surprisingly soft skin.

Pirahna 3D...Jerry O'Connell gets his dick bitten off? [spoiler] Whoo Lordy! I bet Wil Wheaton didn't see that coming when he was running his fey little ass along those train tracks. What's worse, watching "The Defenders" or getting your cock eaten by a fish?

The Social Network...All my fans know that if some dashing Nazi in one of those killer black leather trenchcoats ever pulled me off a train and said, "Hey! Douchebag! You gotta make a Sophie's style choice here hotshot. Twitter or Facebook?" I would put my hands on my hips and say, "Listen Mr. Man! Just because you're a Nazi doesn't mean you have to be rude! Don't you call me a douchebag! I happen to be Aaron Rodgers' number one fan!"

Then I would hand over Facebook and actually help him close the oven door on it! Good riddance! No choice at all! Unfortunately they have yet to make the Twitter movie but when they do, and they will, let's hope the great Brenda Song has more than a cameo. I haven't actually seen The Social Network, but I am glad to see my boy Armie Hammer, as the awesomely named Winklevoss twins, keeps up the splendid work he started on "Reaper." Let's get Bret Harrison and Rachele Wood in the Twitter movie while we're at it.

It's Kind of a Funny Story...Wowsers...I had a nice streak of not seeing any movies going and then I made the grave mistake of seeing this unfunny piece of shit. Who knew nutbins were so much fun? Another grating, false piece of shit somehow finds itself financed and made, while my treatment of the inspiring story of a latina porn star who fucks some nerdy guy for money, and then forgives the debt when he reveals his love for Valmont and Black Robe, cannot get made! So let me get this straight Zach Galifzorba...you going to follow the Jim Carrey career path? Get some fame and fortune playing loveable goofballs like Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber dude, then turn to pretentious shit no one likes? Don't turn your back on Out Cold! No shame in providing 90 minutes of laughs to the world! Don't listen to those pompous foofs who want you to do serious shit like The Number 23 or The Truman Show! Zach! Come back! Come back, Zach!

Jackass3D... Enough with the feces! For the love of god you idiots are going to get typhus.

Faster...Moon Bloodgood is quietly carving out the career Kristanna Loken was supposed to have: bimbo who doesn't take her clothes off and appears in some really shitty movies. Billy Bob has an egregious haircut in this one and the movie slows down! It wants to be Crank, but as great as The Rock is, he is no Statham. Then again neither was Jesus. I said it! Did Jesus ever kick ass? No he didn't! Read the bible! Jesus is a bit of a pussy! Statham would have regulated those Romans, shot the fuck up outta those moneylenders, and revived Lazurus with just a steely glare!

Red Dawn...They slipped this one by me! I'm assuming it's awesome.

The King's Speech...I don't need to see Colin Firth play fruity English dudes with a stammer to know he can act. The man has the goods and he doesn't need those pinko shits in Hollywood to validate his greatness! Did you see the way he wore that sweater in Bridget Jones Diary? I know you did! Revel in it!

Black Swan...I'll pay 99 cents to see this. Natalie won't get the 7 bucks matinee out of me but 99 centavos? Sure. If Nat Kelley or, dare I say it, Kristin Kreuk were involved I'd go the whole ten! But until that happens the assassin-girl-turned-ballerina who wants to be a pretty duck will have to wait. After I lock a deal down for my porn star with a heart of gold treatment I'm gonna send a spec script to Portman's people in which she plays a character who embodies every character she's played before: assassin, pregnant in Walmart chick, shaved head in England...hmmm I can't recall anything else. Oh she was a spastic in Garden State!  This script is going to be awesome.

The Mechanic...Yes! Statham is killing people? I don't need to know anything else. What the world needs now is more Statham death dealing. It's the only thing that there just too little of. Woo woo woo woo...woo woo.

127 Hours...That dick the movie is based on seems like an inexplicably arrogant demanding tool! Apparently when Danny Boyle, the hero who brought Frieda Pinto to the world's awestruck attention, approached his dumb one armed ass and said, "Hey, douchebag who went for a stroll and came back one limb short, for some reason I find your stupid ass story compelling and want to turn it into a movie." Captain Hook actually copped an attitude and was all like, "I don't know.  I was thinking it should be a documentary."

"Well lah ti dah! And here I thought I was talking to some Mormon douche who lost a fight with a rock! I didn't realize I was in the presence of Utah's Kurosawa! Oh you did direct a movie though didn't you? That gripping bit of footage where you pressed the on button and filmed youself stuck in a chasm. Bravo shithead! Please tell me how to make movies, right after you finish curing cancer with that one arm you have left!

I made Slumdog Millionaire you ungrateful bastard! Look at that Indian chick! Her arm hair is worth more than your entire fucking life! I made Sunshine! Which until I fucked up the end was going to be one of Paul's all time favorite movies! And you have the balls to be unsure if you want me to do your shit ass tale?

You realize the original title of the movie was, "Stupid Hick Goes Walking By Himself and Cuts His Arm Off Cause He's a Stupid Asshole?"

It was long so we changed it. What kind of stupid hobby is that anyway? Climbing up and down rocks in the desert? Don't they have X Boxes in Utah you dopey Mormon fuck?" Fuck you, and excuse me while I congratulate that boulder.

And I hear you aren't too crazy about my casting choice. Are you afraid James Franco isn't right for the role because he's not retarded? It's called acting shithead! He can ugly himself up and act real stupid and capture your stupid hick persona just fine don't you worry! I can't believe it! Moron dweeb loses his arm and his ego double in size!"

That Danny Boyle! What a temper!

MacGruber... MacGruber! What? You haven't seen MacGruber yet? You think you have something more important to do than see MacGrubes save the world? Cuz I got news for you, you fucking don't. Your kids? Wieners. You think they're going to cure cancer or become big time NFL quaterbacks who can rape women in seedy bathrooms and then get away with it? No chance. Whether or not you see MacGruber they will get caught when they do their rapin' and they will do hard time cause they will not be able to fend off a pass rush and lead their team to victory!  Those are the facts kids face em!

Will "El Thrill" Forte puts his heart, soul, and ass into this dream project, and it is evident in every fucking frame of this modern day masterpiece. Great Wall of China? I'll go around it Confucius, waste of fucking time! The Sphinx? Nice nose shit for brains, looks like someone shot it off! MacGruber?  Flawless. Only one of the preceding three will actually enhance your life, and you don't even need a plane ticket! So what the fuck are you waiting for you stupid lazy asshole?

It's based largely on a true story! It has Chris Jericho! Maya Rudolf in her best role since Idiocracy! I mean for the love of Powers Boothe I used to hate Ryan Phillippe. I would get on my knees every night and pray to sweet little baby jesus up on his cloud in heaven to come down and beat the shit out of Phillippe with his pudgy little holy fists! How dare you philander on Reese Witherspoon!

But after seeing Ryan act the shit out his ridiculous head of hair in MacGrubes, all is forgiven. Val Kilmer finally delivers on the promise he showed in Real Genius and Jean Claude Van Damme does not appear at all! Best movie of the year! I can't wait til MacGruber 2 comes out.

MacGruber is the real fucking deal and if you don't I agree I'm going to rip your throat out.

True Grit...You sassy fucks...so these Coen clowns think they can dis the Duke? A legend who will remain immortal even while earthworms are shitting the remnants of their corpses out and people are saying, "Who were those two dicks who made a lot of pretentious shit?"

How dare they make a big show of "we're not remaking the movie, we never even saw it, John Who?...we like the book"

Up yours you freaks.  Maybe cause I like awesome shit and awesome shit alone, but I didn't think the book was Judy Blume level fantastic. It was fine. I mean I didn't jizz in my pants or anything.  It was enjoyable but it's not Alexis Love's teenage diary or anything.

Props to those clowns for the casting however...Jeff Bridges seems like a dick but Matty Too Hotty from Southy is always welcome and I'm gonna come right out and say I dig Barry Pepper in a movie. The kid has got it!  Keep him in the picture...and while Hallie Steinfeld is no Sydney Penney she is admirable as "underage girl in western".

Death at a Funeral...Labute! I'm convinced he did this movie just so he could reunite Luke Wilson and Martin Lawrence. Who doesn't love Blue Streak? Belie dat! Chris Rock does his usual terrible job. So sad, he started out with such promise as "crackhead who wants just one rib" and "Pookie the crackhead."

She's Out of My League...His personality sucks!!!!  Even if he was a Clooneyesque hunk he would be repulsive! He's a whiny sad sack with a shitty job/car/life/friends and with no discernible charm or talent! His lack of looks and personality is the least of his worries. "So generic big titted blonde, I hear your new boyfriend is a real fucking dweeb." "Yeah, but I mean he's also a whiny loser with a grating voice and grossly low self esteem...umm wait a minute isn't he supposed to have a dynamite personality to make up for his lack of looks?  Who the fuck wrote this script Jay Baruchel's mom?"

Brothers...'Lil Tobey McGuire plays a Cub Scout who comes back from a camping trip with a very bad temper! Did a badger interrupt nap time at the campsite? A scout leader get a little too frisky with Tobey's delectables? His babysitter Natalie Portman has her hands full trying to find out just what the hell went wrong at Yellowstone or wherever it was the troop went. Jake Gyllenhaal shows up fresh from nerd college and Sam Shephard plays his usual all-american dickhead rah rah role. Nice job getting our boys killed in Black Hawk Down ya old fruit.

The American...La Cloon, the great George Clooney himself, playing an assassin...and yet I haven't seen it...hmmm why is that? Could it be because, according to the trailer, the two broads in this sleepy bomb were well over 30!!!! Wtf and omg hollywood!!! I ain't payin 10 bucks to see moms and grandmoms! I can hang out at the laundromat and the bingo parlor all day if I want to see that, and I don't! They're called teenagers, and they go great with La Cloon, who goes great with everything. Don't fuck this up again.

 

Well Christ on the Cross (that reminds me...use your Jesus powers and get down you silly goose! You'll catch your death of cold up there!) last year certainly was a terrible year for movies, or cinema as I like to call it when I put on my beret and act like a pretentious dick. Will 2011 be better? How the fuck should I know!  

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