THE FAST AND FURIOUS FILMS

by paul cooney

Get ready to feel old everybody: The Fast and the Furious, the movie that made Vin Diesel an icon to gearheads everywhere and paved the way for a hugely successful franchise (which proved it can still pull 'em in fast and furious this summer of 2011), was released 10 summers ago. A decade of Diesel! It seems unbelievable. Even more unbelievable is that Paul Cooney, licensed lover of the pulchritudinous Paul Walker, could only attest to having seen one out of five Fast and Furious films as of the release of Fast Five! As a tribute to the Paul Walker pentology, I convinced him to see all five movies and share his thoughts with us. Take it away, Paul - vrooooooooooooooooooooooooom! -- john

    PART II: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (2003)

After watching the grotesque stain that is Fast and Furious I had great trepidation about seeing the sequel, but how could I stay mad at Paul Walker? I couldn't of course, and being a patriot and an optimist I believed that any flick featuring La Walker, Tyrese, Mendes and Hauser had to be awesome.

Oh what's that? John Singleton is involved? He can't successfully navigate a turd into a toilet much less direct a feature film? Hmm that is troubling...well how bad could it be?

Pretty fucking bad it turns out, though it starts off promisingly enough with shots of hootchies at an illegal street race. The road is closed but some toned tart legs are open! Why don't we skip this racing nonsense and walk right over to the orgy?

Alas no, this terrible film insists on a shit ton of car racing, and almost immediately the focus of the camera is diverted from short skirts and cleavage to these ridiculous looking tacky little cars. For purporting to love automobiles so much these gearhead retards have truly terrible fucking taste. Haven't these assholes ever heard of Mercedes? Audi? Fucking Maserati? After a grueling race I'm guessing these assholes like to sit down over some fine cuisine at Sbarros. Pass me some more of that delicious orange soda my good man! These bread sticks are splendid! Did you see me go vroom vroom in my neon shitbox?

We get down to racing and W shows up to oohs and ahhs and someone says, "Shit.  It's Brian." Wtf? He's some kind of bad ass now? He'll always be a buster to me.

He's got much swagger among these derelict drop-outs though and he quickly raises the stakes. Luckily enough everyone seems to be carrying an extra few thousand dollars in cash so his gambit is accepted. Have I told this movie lately how much I hate it?

Ludacris makes an embarrassing appearance wearing a ridiculous looking jumpsuit and reminding everyone that yes, soon he will be collaborating with Justin Bieber. Good song, Luda! W is rocking some very cute sneakers that Bieber himself would likely call childish and effete and once again we have a wondrously multi-cultural assemblage of racers: white, black, asian, and latin. Just how will the white man rig this race I wonder?

At some point mid-race a draw bridge is raised and the racers are forced to jump it, save for the latino who sensibly realizes, "Huh? That's insane. Anyone who does that is likely to be killed. I'm not fucking doing that! This is so fucking stupid," and drives his car off set and out of the movie.

Another rider suffers a terrible crash, which seems likely after shooting over a bridge at 100+miles per hour. He's unhurt of course and W wins the race. Asian chick finishes second and inexplicably cheers like a crazy woman. Pardon me, anyone want to inform that dopey bitch she lost, not just the race, but also 10K or so. Just what the fuck are you so happy about? Luda makes a cheesy lame ass joke about wanting to work on her "front end." Ha ha! I bet she's never heard that one before...stick to the teen idol remixes, Luda.

Remar! Oh shit, suddenly this crapfest has potential...the great James Remar has graced it with an appearance, putting his awesome talents up against the incompetence of Singleton and the stupidity of this script. I know Remar can do it!

What's this? W is now working for the Feds against drug triad in Miami? Huh? Wasn't he working against theft in California last time we checked, and doing a terrible job at that? Didn't he let a wanted felon go? That gets you promoted to Miami? Oh I forgot...he's a really good driver, and the FBI is notorious for hiring paraplegics....dear God this shit is so stupid. Remar get out while you still can!

W has so much clout with the Feds cause apparently he's the only guy who can drive stick shift. It pays to enhance your skillset, kiddies! They even let him pick his own driver to go undercover with, and since the FBI only employs cripples who can't drive, W has to enlist the services of an asshole felon played by Tyrese. Seriously?

Catfight! Pretty boys Walker and Tyrese have a cute little spat as some dickhead Fed looks on. Tyrese is very mean and says things like "pig" and "blondie" and they roll around in the dirt and even pull out some MMA style shit. It never gets too menacing however cause they are both so adorable...and short! Those clown cars don't take anyone over 5'9?

W sports a West Coast Choppers t-shirt to go with his little boy shorts and dainy sneakers. So you support that redneck asshole who cheated on Sandy Bullock with Bombshell McGee do you?? For shame!

Mendes is given the choice of who she wants to ride with, and as she looks over Tyrese and Walker I'm convinced she's going to go for that chocolate hunk who was the driving force behind Butler in the Hood. She went black in Training Day after all, and as Psalms 13:22 so memorably stated, "Thy slit which receives a member dark, shan't ever go for the bright light of the pale wand evermore."

(She also did full nude in Training Day. We're going to take advantage of her blessed willingness to get naked right director? Oh what's that? We're not? You should be shot.)

Hello, what's this? In a shocking move she chooses Walker! Such is the power of his baby blues that he singlehandedly demolishes that millenia-old maxim and, having gone black, is forswearing it for that fine hunk of white boy. (Or is this a repudiation of Tyrese, who is incredibly fucking irritating and an obvious douchebag?)

W rewards her choice by pulling some adolescent stunt of driving 100mph while not looking at the road. Oh real cool, asshole! You won't look so smooth when you run over a little girl who darted out into the street to recover her spelling bee trophy! Since when does someone as good looking as W have to work so hard to impress the broads anyway? Is he compensating for his horrendous fashion sense? Mendes doesn't seem impressed and remarks under her breath that her pussy has never been more dry (I read her lips, dialogue not actually uttered.)

T calls someone "Fonzie" and it's supposed to be an insult! WTF! Fonzie was cool!

I'm gonna stop watching this bullshit, it's clearly not worth my time...wait just a fucking minute! Cole Hauser! Yes!!! And he's playing a well-dressed drug lord named Carter Verone! I love it. Finally, a real man in this picture. I hope he kills someone.

Hmm, no deaths yet but, with his patented special move - "The Hauser" - he does pat Mendes on her lovely ass in a lewd gesture that was clearly ad-libbed.

Does he have class to go with his sass? Of course he does, as he amply displays when he thanks the assembled wannabe drivers for coming on such short notice to his little tryout. (Um...short notice? They're a bunch of fucking skells who don't have jobs and spend all day dicking around in their neon cars. I don't think these assholes need much advance notice. "Well, I was going to spend all day putting some killer new decals on the side of my purple car, but I figured a'ight, I'll try this shit out."

Hauser proceeds to give these jabronis the incredible opportunity of breaking the law, for no money, with the promise that the group who wins his little contest will have the chance to work for him, for some undisclosed amount of money to be paid later by an oh so trustworthy drug kingpin. Hmm...I know these clowns are idiots, but really? Who goes for a deal like this? UPS not hiring?

A lot of reckless driving takes place and there is a huge crash in which several innocent civilians are likely severely injured and perhaps killed. This doesn't seem to bother W and T though cuz they are really fucking into driving! It's so much fun!!!

W is having such a gay old time he even asks, "How do you like them apples?" at one point. Omg. Oh no you didn't!!! Now you're plagiarizing Matty Too Hotty From Southy Damon? I'm officially declaring this movie bullshit.

T tells someone to "Sit on it, Fonzie!" Was this script gathering dust for 30 years? Sit on it Fonzie? Did he really tell another grown man, in the 2000s no less, to "sit on it?"

  

The cops show up just as T and W are breaking into the Ferrari...and naturally T shoots at the cops. Oopsy Daisy! See you in jail for the rest of your life, Tyrese! Dainty pretty boy like you is sure to be raped! I hope you like being raped, Tyrese. Do you like being raped? You're going to be sitting on it for sure Fonzie! How do you like them apples?

T follows that ridiculous action with something even more inexplicable...he asks W why he was checking Mendes out. Huh? Why the fuck wouldn't he? I mean sure, he acted pretty gay with Diesel in the first movie but D is nowhere to be found and Mendes is looking like The Warriors - good, real good - so why the fuck wouldn't he be looking her tawny body up and down?

Turns out these two childish clowns passed what was just a test and are invited to enjoy lunch, which everyone inexplicably skips even though it's obvious the caterers worked very hard on the spread. Maybe Hauser checks out Mendes and is in a rush to enjoy a spread of another kind, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Tyrese takes the opportunity to steal one of Hauser's cigar cutters, but is caught of course, cuz he's a chump. W calls him an idiot and Tyrese mumbles some lame ass excuse and reveals he is going commando at some point. I'm not supposed to hate these two douchebags? You're no Murtaugh and Riggs!

They head to a tiny mechanic, who is somehow shorter than both Walker and Tyrese, and he informs them there is a tracking device in their car. Oh really? So after they shot at police why the fuck didn't the Feds track them to Hauser's place and arrest them for attempted murder? Cuz this movie is utter garbage? Ok, thanks for clearing that up.

Finally they check in with the good guys and Remar pulls a gun, which shocks Tyrese who apparently doesn't recall that when last they met he was busy shooting at Remar. "What's this about?"

"Umm asshole. You shot at me. That's what this is about, you complete fucking idiot!"

As if Tyrese couldn't be more annoying, he seems to be ratcheting up his use of the word "brah." Whatever the fuck the filmmakers were trying to accomplish with his overuse of that word, it sure as shit didn't work, unless of course the goal was to have me despise Tyrese and long for his head to be cut off. If that was it then well done. Cuz I do.

There is a big debate among the assembled idiots over whether or not undercover agent Mendes has flipped. Well let's hope she has cuz if not she's the worst agent in the history of spycraft. "So I'll pretend to be some bimbo right, and I'll become his girlfriend and suck his dick and get fucked by him and be slapped around and treated like shit for a year right...just his trophy girlfriend showpiece he abuses and what not right...and then after a year umm...uhh...well I'll have no evidence or anything of any kind to prosecute him with, but I'll be able to kinda sorta get a felon and a pretty boy cop a job interviews as drivers."

Great! If I was on the FBI's most wanted list I'd be feeling pretty fucking comfortable with agents like this running around.

There is some ludicrous race with a couple of meatheads and Walker gets to pose as a bad ass tough guy. Know your role, sweetcheeks! You ain't fucking hard! This tough guy persona is bullshit.

Finally a scene worth watching, and of course Hauser is involved...somehow when he uses a blowtorch and a rat inside a bucket to torture a very fat man I find him to still be the most sympathetic character on screen. He may be an immoral murderous drug dealing psychopath but at least he's not annoying. He dresses real nice too and hasn't said "brah" once.

Hauser later scolds Mendes for flirting with Walker. Umm excuse me Hauser...you're a bad ass and all, and you did give Matty Too Hotty From Southie Damon a rather sweet piece of shit car as a present in Good Will Hunting, but you can't seriously expect a hot blooded young latina woman to resist those baby blues of La Walker can you?

In an even more implausible scene Ludacris reappears, playing poker and proudly boasting of his "royal flush." Jesus Christ filmmakers, you couldn't just let him have a full house? 4 of a kind wasn't quite good enough? He had to get a million to one shot hand? Do even throwaway scenes in this terrible movie have to be utter crap?

Mendes appears in a bikini far too briefly and Walker offers an incredibly lame excuse as to why he let Diesel go in the first movie. Some bullshit about how he was friends with Tyrese as a boy and saw a lot of the same douchebag quality in Diesel. So you're going to let every bald menacing moron you should arrest go you asshole? Turn in your badge, flatfoot!

(Of course that rationale for springing Diesel was so pathetic they change it in the 4th installment, the fucktards.)

This endlessly stupid movie finally careens to a close with some completely idiotic massive car chase, which features the cops firing some sort of electromagnetic pulse claw at Walker's car. Is anybody buying this bullshit?

In quite possibly the dumbest scene ever filmed by any person ever Walker and Tyrese convince dozes of their toy car driving dickish friends to emerge from a giant garage en masse and ram (RAM!) pursuing cop cars!

"Hey buddy, I need a favor."

"Sure thing Paul Walker and Tyrese, what do you need?"

"I need you and a couple dozen other people to take your cars, which you obsess over, and tear out of this garage on my signal. There's gonna be a bunch of cops there, so ram them, and then speed off in every direction."

"No problem.  Is that it?"

"There's no money in it for you, and you're likely to be shot at. Of course your car is going so suffer considerable damage and you may be killed. But if you do survive you will be looking at several felonies, including assault with a deadly weapon, against a police officer no less. But it would really mean a lot to me. Like really. So how bout it, brah?"

"Sure."

"Great. And remember I need like 30 people doing this so get like a few dozen of your friends in on it too. It's going to be awesome!!!"

"Sounds awesome. Speed out of garage. Ram cops. Flee at high speed. You bet. We've been looking for a way to get sent to jail for life and this seems like it. Thanks for the opportunity."

This unbelievably pathetic spectacle ends with Luda making wise cracks and then chatting on the telephone while he's arrested. Well that's kind of beautiful. We've made a lot of progress since Rodney King. Cops used to assault and even kill black men who didn't even commit a crime, now when someone rams their car and attempts to run them over and end their life they are gentlemanly enough to let him call up some chums and loved ones with his cell phone and have a little chit chat.

Moving on...Hauser knows this is bullshit and the Feds are on to him but keeps Mendes around as a fucktoy while he tells his boy take care of Walker. Inexplicably the goon lets Walker drive the car even though they are going to kill him...but that doesn't make sense...why would they...oh right the ejector seat. Sigh.

Hauser and Mendes go to his sweet ass yacht and a giant like Hauser is forced to admit to secret agent Mendes, "You had me."

Well don't feel too duped Hauser, I mean if some smoking hot chick were to "pretend" to be my girlfriend for 11 months, let me use her sexually in any way I pleased, slap her around in public a bit, witness me commit countless felonies while I run my international criminal enterprise and still I'm not arrested I would kind of let my guard down and believe she was just a tart too.

"Ha! I knew I fooled you! I think it was the fact that I fucked you repeatedly for a year and never once were you arrested even though I saw you do all those bad mean things! That's what fooled you right?"

Double sigh.

There is a Dukes of Hazzard-style car jump onto a yacht that was actually pretty awesome even though it resulted in our hero Hauser getting shot.

The Feds show up and inform Tyrese and Walker that "your decoys are clean." Oh really? Just going to forgive and forget those multiple attempted murders of police officers? All that property damage and lives at risk...wipe that away? Really?

Tyrese and Walker gloat over some of the cash they stuffed in their trousers and decide to stay in Miami and open a garage together! Is there a hope they will mistakenly leave the door down and asphyxiate each other?

God...I wish.

---TO BE CONTINUED!---

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART I: THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS>>

 

home    about   contact us    featured writings    years in review    film productions

All rights reserved The Pink Smoke   2011