Elmore Leonard Movie Shelf: 52 Pick-Up

MOVIE SHELF: COMPARING FILMS TO THEIR LITERARY COUNTERPARTS

paul cooney on

JOHN FRANKENHEIMER'S 52 PICK-UP

based on the novel by Elmore Leonard

Welcome to Movie Shelf, a series that compares the films on our dvd shelves to the novels on our bookcases. I've always been fascinated by screenplay adaptation: what a script writer takes from the original source material, what he changes, how the two different works vary from each other and what the existence of the movie itself says about the book and vice versa. All this and more will be examined in this ongoing line of articles.

We all know reading is passe and should be avoided if possible. Like right now for instance - do you realize that instead of perusing this jammystain you could be on the phone with your momma, or better yet visiting her in person, telling her how much she means to you? Wouldn't that be more rewarding? Ok maybe your mom's dead, or in prison, or maybe she just pretty much sucks as both a parent and a person, and that badass story you tell about the scar you have on your inner thigh is bullshit, and in fact you got it when your dear sainted mother scalded you with Campbell's Soup after you changed the channel while she was watching Wheel of Fortune. Fine, in lieu of reading or spending quality time with your moms, you could be watching porn right now, and yet you insist on continuing with this! Clearly you are at least somewhat deranged and I pity you.

Where was I? Oh you're still reading. Perhaps you have erectile dysfunction and the delights of onanism are lost to you forever. Well in that case, live vicariously through me cuz I'm writing about Vanity. I've watched 52 Pick-Up a whole bunch of timey-poos and by golly Vanity smolders each and every time, but if her lusty delights don't crisp your french fry perhaps you should take a gander at John Glover's perf as sleazeball sociopath. If you look past his zeal for rape and murder he exudes a lot of charm!

I digress. Sunny Los Angeles! The flick opens with Roy Scheider, fresh from killing Jaws, taking a dip in the pool. Ann Margaret looks on and the director makes an interesting choice by going in for a close-up. Mistake! This isn't 1966, Herr Director! Those Viva Las Vegas days are long gone and Houston, we have some wrinkles. I can see why Roy has cheated on her. The man runs a business and drives a sweet sports car, of course he's getting a young piece on the side. This is America isn't it??

We're a few minutes in and I'm still waiting for Vanity to appear. At least I'm not reading the book, which only has words and thus Vanity will never make an appearance unless I close my eyes and dream a little dream. How dare people still insist the book is always better than the movie? Does Shakespeare have Vanity? No by jove! Hence how fucking good could he be?

Back to the movie. Ann Margaret is into politics, working for the doucher who got shot by Gary Busey in Lethal Weapon. The guy drinking straight from the carton - you remember him now don't you, you son of a bitch! He deserved to die then and he deserves to die now, but instead of him getting blown away we're treated to a shot of Kelly Preston's ass. Flip through the book all you want, if you want to see Mrs. John Travolta's derriere you'll have to watch the movie! Cinema, 1 - Books, blow me.

Just when I was going to root for Roy in this movie John Glover throws a kick ass party in which Ron Jeremy and other, lesser porn stars appear. We have a new hero! Is Ron Jeremey in the book? What book has enough pages to fit that dong??

Glover wins over my heart and mind by breaking into Roy's home to steal his jacket and gun, and when Ann appears he charms/repels her with his sleazy accounting service routine. It's such an inspired performance that watching it inspired me to abandon my morals once and for all. In another scene, Kelly Preston exposes her boobies and then is killed. This flick doesn't mince! It is not a mincer!

Just when I start to ponder all the plot holes in this movie, I'm distracted by the Live Nude Girls business being run by the guy who played David Berkowitz in some creepy movie that does not feature Vanity. Vanity is one of the Live Nude Girls in this movie however and I am happy. She is live, and in one of cinema's most delightful scenes nonchalantly touches herself in the backround in what appears to be a bit of improvisational scintillation. It's the kind of performance Lame Judi Dench only wishes she could muster up, in the throes of her dusty decrepitude and irrelevance. (Gratuitous Dench bashing!!)

Roy takes some polaroids of our hero Vanity and there is some sassy interplay betwixt the vixen and the businessman. She proposes he get his shaft cranked for 100 bucks and by golly that sounds like a bargain to me, and I'm a Maxxinista so I know what's up. Speaking of things that are up, the duo head back to Vanity's pad and she emerges in lingerie. Scwhing! LOL! Remember when Mike Myers wasn't insane and that succubus didn't drain all his talent from him? Mariska Hargitay indeed.

Scheider inexplicably wants no part of her tawny loveliness and she perceptively calls him on it. "You're after something aren't you? And it ain't my pussy is it?" She plays with her teddy bear and scoffs at his little bribe. "I make that in 5 mintues with the shoe clerks." Delicious!

Why don't I meet exciting and zesty girls like her at my church group? Note to self: stop attending services and spend more time in back alleys.

I digress...our man Glover is running a porno theater. Talk about living the dream! This guy's got a lot of things figured out, and most discerning viewers are rooting for him. He even makes accounting interesting! Seriously there's a scene in which he puts on glasses and looks over the books...books! Ahh the book...the book features a lot of union nonsense the flick rather sensibly excised, in addition to some tedious husband and wife repartee. Good god, as if anyone wants to hear about someone's relationship.

However in an egregious misstep the director eliminates a chapter of the book in which Vanity and her maniac boyfriend rob a bus! Also the flick loses some more of her whoring adventures which lit up the tome with smutty awesomeness. For shame!! When was the last time you watched a movie and said, "Enough with this hot prostitute already? How 'bout some more exposition??" Never! Lord knows the people at Pixar could learn that lesson ASAP.

The flick takes a dark turn when Vanity's maniac beau attempts to smother her, and not sexily. You know what I'm talking about you perv! I can't bear to watch and when I open my eyes again maniac beau is being beaten up by Scheider. It's a little ridiculous and I'm really wondering why the cops aren't being involved at this point, but I'll allow it cuz I can't stay mad at anything Vanity is involved in.

Oh no! Maniac beau breaks up Glover's sweet threeway and even shoots out the mirror above Glover's bed. It's the most sinister and awful thing on screen thus far, and yes I do remember that some kidnapping and murder have taken place. Death happens every day remember but threeways are a treasure to savor. Go ahead and take time to write that down...

Ok let's divert from that harrowing bit of business on screen to highlight something the book got right, namely a sweet little aside about Scheider's WWII service. Turns out this hard ass was an ace pilot, and in addition to shooting down Germans he once had the pleasure of destroying two British planes too! Turns out those Limey bastards had mistaken his Thunderbolt for a Luftwaffe fighter and jumped him, but thanks to the same skill and tenacity that allowed him to kill that giant shark, he outflew them both and shot them down. When questioned about blasting those allies out of the sky, he had the audacity to ask if he could get credit for the kills! It's a great little aside and I'm going to steal it and pretend it's something my grandfather did.

The film leaves that out but does treat us to David Berkowitz's boy toy. Wasn't it heartbreaking to watch Berkowitz suck down sodas through a straw while he makes plans to skip town with his young blonde flouncer? Only to be blown to smithereens by maniac beau minutes before finding freedom! Both the book and the movie have this rather inanely planned murder...it looks cool, but I don't think maniac beau would ever commit a murder so poorly planned, even though he is a maniac.

Speaking of insane, only a total nutjob could read the chapter in the book that details Glover's encounter with a drug dealer and not find it ridiculous. Elmore Leonard would have us believe that notorious sleaze Glover would ask his friendly neighborhood drug dealer if he could borrow his car, and the rock slinger would happily agree! Why not just give Glover a ride? I know my drug dealer won't lend me his car, or his sister for that matter, even if I ask politely, which I do cuz I'm a gentleman naturally.

Back to the movie! Glover is really going bananas, shooting up Margaret with scag, killing maniac beau, and omg... nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! He murders Vanity, which really should never be allowed, cuz in a general rule of cinema, and real life, once you're dead you stop looking so hot and generally make fewer appearances.

With Vanity gone my interest wanes, the climax involves a car blowing up, which is kind of ludicrous and strains credulity, but is so much better than the book which involves a booby-trapped briefcase and a union rep. It's incredibly stupid and I encourage all libraries to tear those pages out, and if you're reading it on a Kindle go ahead and toss that screen into the tub.

What have we learned? Books are a fad whose time has run out, like hula hoops and soap. So kick back, pick up the flick and enjoy Vanity before she disappointed us all and found Jesus.

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