Five from the Fire #3, page 2

FIVE FROM THE FIRE #3

page 2

paul cooney, john cribbs & christopher funderburg

Paul:

Here we go!

Having sated myself on tamales and tawny waitresses ,I left the diner and was seated at the bus stop, waiting for the Bangbros to drive by with Alexis Love in tow, limbs akimbo ready to go... when I smelt a somethin' burnin'. Dear sweet D. W. Griffith! It was a print storage facility containing the collected works of the aforementioned acting legends!

I pulled my pants up and made haste to save five! But which? But who? The five best flix irrespective of any other considerations? Or did I want to preserve a nice array of films that would represent a taste of each actor for future generations to enjoy? Movies with the hottest co-stars for those lonely nights at sea? Natalie Martinez in Death Race 2000 are you destined for freedom?

Tapping my brand spankin' new Brett Favre number 4 purple Vikings jersey for good luck I rush into the Chuck Bronson section and doom the collected works of the death wisher to the flames forever. The Dirty Dozen? Flame on! As much as I love watchin' Lee Marvin lead a rag tag group of scum to slaughter, I can do without ever seeing it again, especially considering the director saw fit to kill off Cassavetes but allowed the odious Richard Jaeckel to live. Not on my watch Aldrich! Burn baby burn!

What about The Great Escape? The irony of that flick not escaping is too delicious to pass up, and so as much as I admire the perfs of the always creepy yet strangely adorable Donald Pleasance, the always charming and slick Jimmy Garner, and the motorcycle stylings of arrogant tool Steve McQueen I'll let it burn to oblivion. The Germans in that flick were a little cartoonish and I never could bring myself to root for Richard Attenborough anyway. Tunnel King! You won't escape this prison of flame! ...but what about Ashely-Pitt? Werner the Ferret? Coburn making it to Spain! The brief moment of exultation when Garner lifts the little plane over the Alps...

As for Mr. Majestyck...if you've seen one movie about an angry melon farmer you've seen em all. The Yukon movie with Lee Marvin? I don't cotton to Andrew Stevens. The awesome Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects... I'll guess I'll have to get my Eggert fix from classic episodes of "Charles in Charge. " There is only room for one Chuck in my life apparently... and his last name is Baio!

I bid Bronson adieu and come upon row upon row of The Duke...Johnny Wayne himself. Sweet Jehovah that salty son of a bitch made a lot of classic flix! All the westerns start to meld together in the haze of heat... Rios Bravo and Lobo... which one had the teen idol fruity singer and which had Mitchum? Can I live without Walter Brennan throwin' dynamite? And what of North to Alaska, the finest film dealing with imported French whores and lumberjacking that I'm aware of. There seems to be too many to choose from and I worry about being laden down with Sands of Iwo Jima, Hondo, the Searchers... I drop them all when I spy The Conqueror... the Duke as Genghis Khan! This is getting to be regoddamndiculous.

What about The Longest Day? A dynamite flick but Wayne was miscast as a cripple. I leave the Duke behind...if I can't have 'em all, I shan't take any. I know the greatest living American will understand...or will he?

Finally, I spy a sure thing...Penelope Cruz' shelf of wonderment...I grab Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Nic Cage and Penelope together at last...what's not to love?

I realize my brain might be addled by smoke inhalation and I splash some urine in my face to revive me. I throw Captain Corelli's Mandolin into the fire and exult when it explodes in flame! Huzzah! I kick Vanilla Sky and all of Cruz' Almodovar crap to the burn pile and quickly embrace Belle Epoque! The age of beauty! The film about the only two things that matter in the world, eating and fucking. Maribel Verdu pre-implants, Cruz pre-18...caramba! This was an easy one! Fernando... that rascally rogue of a bugler banged em' all didn't he? Tomcatting about in sunny Spain and defiling four sisters... he was like a young Robert Evans, except not as oily and gross.

Not wasting any more time amidst the Cruz, I stumble upon the collected works of La Gibson, America's favorite drunken anti-Semite. Sweet pajamas where to begin! I quickly stuff Gallipoli under my purple Favre jersey. "Springs steel springs!" "God bless you boy." "Then let's see you do it!" The heartbreak! The accurate depiction of British treachery! The cool hats with the upturned side-brims!

Next I grab the Chili Con Carne Club. What in god's name is the Chili Con Carne Club and why did La Gibson have anything to do with it? I fling it into the fire and snatch Pocahontas instead. If my copy of Belle Epoque is damaged during my flight from the flames I figure I can use Miss Pocahontas for my onanistic escapades. No, no, that's ridiculous. I hate cartoons.

The Bounty! Never has so great a cast and so fine a film remained so obscure. Neeson, Day-Lewis, Gibson, Hopkins, Olivier, and numerous tawny, naked Polynesian girls. "I took a coconut. I thought it of no consequence." How did that not become a national catch phrase along the lines of "Go ahead. Make my day." and "Put another shrimp on the barbie."?

But what of the Road Warrior? The Ayatollah of Rock n' Rolla condemned to perish? On my watch?

If there is a death list for film, surely the Road Warrior cannot be on it! But before I can snatch it up, that reminds me...the Year of Living Dangerously! While I lament the fact that plain jane Sigourney Weaver is cast as the love interest to a god like Gibson, at his smolderingest no less, it remains my favorite depiction of political strife in Indonesia ever captured on film. Saving only five from the collected works of these cinema stalwarts seems akin to gathering water from the moon...a mission impossible!

Vangelis! Maybe I should save movies based on soundtracks?

Or great directors...yes, that means you Guy Ritchie! Perhaps I should stop, drop and roll until Guy Ritchie makes 3 more films with La Statham, so I can just save all those! I snatch Snatch, and get my sticky fingers all over Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Those cockney cutthroats have stolen their way into my heart!

But wait - I drop those prints! Of course I cannot make my escape without Crank... I mean do I look like I have the word CUNT written on my forehead? Of course I don't.

This is truly becoming a race against death, and when I spy the tawny and buxom Natalie Martinez on the cover of Death Race 2000 with La Statham I cradle it to the bosom of my lithe swimmer's body. But should I leave Statham and preserve more Wayne...knowing that La Statham will undoubtedly make more great flicks in the years to come while Wayne continues to decompose?

I crush the Nick Stahl/Gibson collaboration underfoot and kick Lelee Sobieski's stain upon Statham's oeuvre into the blackness. Let those atrocities disappear forever in the flames of purity!

Time is running out...this warehouse is turning into my Alamo... oh my god the Duke! My dog would never forgive me if I emerged Wayneless...dare I go back for the Quiet Man? Do I not transport to safety at least one of Statham's Transporters? Haven't Matty Too Hotty from Southy Damon and Kristin Kreuk ever made a movie with any of these people? Was John Wayne not in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo?

What would Colin Firth do?

I urinate all over my purple Favre jersey before it burns to cinders and make one last dash through the inferno, making sure Sobieski is still burning and securing the favored five for all time. I emerge smoky, but beautiful, a look of pure ecstasy upon my soot smeared face.

The Bangbros bus approaches...I wonder if dear Alexis will enjoy viewing:

GALLIPOLI THE GREAT ESCAPE THE BOUNTY

BELLE EPOQUE CRANK

John:

Ooh how well do we know this guy? Funderburg and I were both 3 for 5! (Although I thought you left The Great Escape behind? Didn't you opt to save Road Warrior? I'm sure if Donald Pleasance were there he'd say "Thanks for getting me out...")

Crank over The Magnificent Seven? Chev Chelios over the Duke?? This is some form of craziness. I'll blame it on delirium caused by smoke inhalation.

The Bounty is an interesting choice...good thing history will continue to have THREE remakes of the classic original. You seemed to miss the irony of Gibson's line "I am in hell sir! I am in hell!"

Lethal Weapon, not even considered?? 'Ey Riggs! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggs!

Hard Times? The Mechanic? The Stone Killer? BANDITAS??? I may have to run into the fire after the ambulance has taken you away. Good to hear that you survived however...we'll attend Funderburg's funeral/hero's parade together, then have your roommate make us some steaks and watch Gallipoli.

Final question Cooney: The Warriors and The Wanderers are both in the warehouse and you can only save one. Which do you choose?

Christopher:

Yeah, not saving anything from the Duke was bunk. Also, The Stone Killer is great. If you like that sort of thing. And I do.

I can't say I agree on saving Crank – you really want to save a film with Amy Smart as the female lead? Think that over carefully, Mr. Cooney. And now that we're talking Gibson's second greatest franchise, losing Patsy Kensit's amazing performance in Lethal Weapon 2 breaks my heart. Also, if that film is gone forever, how will future generations know about the nefarious legal loophole known as "diplomatic immunity?" One Fabiana Udeno/Billy Drago vehicle is not going to be enough!

I'm fine with The Bounty, but I'd much rather have The Man who Shot Liberty Valance or The Road Warrior. Come on, man: The Road Warrior.

So, with John's question: which is it? Are when in Ducky Boy territory or do you want preserve proof of your important theory that David Patrick Kelley's plan makes no goddamn sense?

Paul:

Bonjour Douchebags,

(that's a line from crank! pluralized cause I'm dealing with multiple douchebags)

It was a difficult task for sure, and ultimately I decided, much like my hero George W. Bush, that we'll all be dead when history comes, so screw posterity.

Instead of preserving films/actors for future generations to enjoy I just decided to keep films I'd like to watch when Alexis was off at the clinic getting penicillin.

I ain't never even heard of the Stone Killer. Belle Epoque and Gallipoli were the only two sure things...the no doubters.

Great Escape was initially rejected cause it is a little cheesy and stupid, but ultimately I have fond memories of watching it as a youth and there are some really charismatic performances and it works as a whole.

With La Gibson I could easily have gone with the Road Warrior instead of the bounty...RW is a better movie, but the Bounty holds a more personal appeal...maybe cause I like the colonial period and tawny native girls. I was definitely tempted to switch those two out, but I just stuck with the one I wrote first.

Also, Year of Living Dangerously came close...sure it's a little slow in parts, but again the idea of making a flick about a journalist in indonesia and him being on a death list...

Crank was a dark horse! I too thought initially that no Statham flick was going to make the cut...but there was a greater chance of a 3rd Gibson than a 1st Duke.

With Johnny Wayne, not one of his films really sticks out as a favorite for me. Had he had a better role in Longest Day that might have made it...or maybe North to Alaska, which I really enjoy cause it is sort of a lighthearted "western" set in lumberjacking seattle and klondike 1900... and he buys a whore for heartbroken Stewart Granger.

But I love Crank! Amy Smart is odious but she really isn't in Crank all that much. That flick is all Statham all the time... he is in virtually every scene, and that movie has the best telephone dialogue ever. I can't get enough of Chev Chelios on the phone exchanging barbs with Verona.

The lethal weapons! it's astounding that my G Gibson has made so many of that terrible franchise...though I can happily state I never saw 3 and 4... wait i think i saw 3.

The man who shot liberty valence is good, but overrated...i would take a simple straigthforward western like Rio Bravo over that shit...or even the Quiet Man! Victor McL!

If Wayne had been in the Informer that might have made the list.

I was impressed that you both got 3 out of 5...though surprised that blunderburg thought i would take Hondo, which I've only seen once.

And while I love Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects... wait a minute, I do love that movie don't I? Why didn't amy hathaway become a bigger star? My holiest of holies!

I enjoy the mag 7 no doubt...but it's a little long and doesn't have the lean intensity of Crank! some of the 7 aren't all that magnificent either...

Once upon a time in the West might have made it had i like jason robards in that movie

That's awesome that history will have 3 versions of the bounty! lucky bastards!

the lethal series is an embarrassment...i'm sure in the future gibson will blame it on international jewry.

Hard times? The Mechanic?? I mean, I like chuck bronson but I ain't no superfan of his...once you get past Statham, Gibson, SWS, ECO, Colin Firth, Sam Neill and the rest of my heroes... (t.t. boy, Mark Davis)... Bronson would be way down the list... a long way from sniffing Bret Harrison's ass.

And I'm not crazy about penelope cruz...as I've stated before I would take Verdu over Cruz in Belle Epoque, and much prefer Salmita in Bandidas and in general...

Wanderers vs Warriors... wow... there is no gut reaction... that is a tough one... ducky boys vs the boppers... each has a strong case.

I guess Wanderers cause it's a little less stupid - and you don't have to root for Michael Beck and Deborah van Valkenburgh.

word out - Chev Chelios himself, trading access to the pinksmoke for handjobs from hookers.

And we'll end on that emtremely classy note. Next week will bring another Five from the Fire - with picks from noted smoker/Jet-fan Eric Pfriender. 2 and 0 with Rex Ryan's boys backing up the talk...

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