Skyfall

GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE REVIEWS

SKYFALL by Paul Cooney

I'm glad noted no-talent Sam Mendes had the courage to rip off the in vogue stylings of ass clown Chris Nolan and dispense with what made the franchise he inherited so successful. Namely: good looking broads, witty quips, gadgets and derring do. Instead we get a mopey, somber, alcoholic automaton who pals around with a wizened old twat...exactly what the audience wanted?

We can all now admit that American Beauty sucks and Road to Perdition is pretentious trash, so why do some stubbornly insist Sam Mendes is anything but a moron who ruins everything he touches? I bet he would even turn shit into shit, and it's already shit! I don't care if that makes sense or not, I've been subjected to two hours of Lame Judi Dench and I'm bloody cross!!

(That reminds me, shout out to Kriss Kross, true originals. Skyfall was wiggity wiggity wack yo!)

Where was I? Oh yes, the horrendous opening scene in which some old bat with Moe Howard's haircut hectors two agents in the middle of a mission from a thousand miles away. The audience is supposed to be down with this? When I'm out kicking ass, the last thing I would want is some decrepit old witch yammering in my ear, stating the obvious and badgering me into getting results. I know how to kick ass, bitch, shut the fuck up!

After Bond leaves a fellow agent to die (that reminds me - the mortality rate of agents who work with Bond is staggering; when Nate Silver or some baseball stat geek gets around to doing the analytics on Bond, I think we're gonna find he was actually a terrible fucking agent), he hops into the passenger seat of an SUV driven by a woman. What the shit is this??? Not only is Bond allowing someone else to drive, she's a she! The real Bond would not let someone else drive, much less a woman, he's an arrogant misogynist asshole. Pay attention to the legend, Mendes!

In one of the worst developments in the history of cinema, hack Mendes indulges in what has become an action movie cliché and has the hero's car drive against traffic at high speed. I'm not impressed! Not only is it completely implausible and almost 100% likely to cause an accident, it is wholly unoriginal at this point. Matt Damon did it, and I'll allow it, but I'm not letting some chick I never heard of do it.

Bond runs out of ammo (ill prepared, dickweed!) and is forced to use a bulldozer of sorts to enact some ludicrous train attack, all the while under fire. It puts innocent passengers at risk and he's shot in the process but it has no effect, which I would believe if John Cena or The Rock had been cast as Bond, but no, we're stuck with craggy faced robot Danielle Craig. Hey Craig, you just made my list of things that suck! (omg did you see what I did there?...they're not all gems.)

I used to like Bond, but this film is opening my eyes to what a cocky bungler he is. Also the implausible stunts are a lot harder to tolerate when the flick is so humorless. So Bond gets shot, again, and falls a few hundred feet into a river and goes over a waterfall and Adele yelps for a couple minutes and suddenly Bond is fine. Umm...how? Am I just going to have to imagine why he didn't drown or bleed to death and how he managed to secure medical attention for multiple wounds, including gunshots, in a foreign country, in secret?

While I'm doing that Dench is writing Bond's obituary, cause he's dead! Hey...I could have sworn I saw that in another Bond movie, mostly cause I did, only this time it's completely lame and stupid and unoriginal and I hate Sam Mendes! Oh boy, now we're forced to endure another scene in which Dench is cranky. I think the audience is supposed to be impressed with her tough attitude, but how can I support her when she is wrong and a failure? Also, in the 50 previous years of Bond movies the audience was generally treated to a good looking spy jet-setting about the globe, screwing beautiful women, gambling, fighting evil dudes and using an assortment of super cool shit. Who the fuck was demanding more screen time for ancient assholes in offices acting like crotchety cunts? Why did you listen to them, Mendes??

Dench is defiant when Fiennes tells her she's on the way out. "I'll leave when the job's done." You just got Bond killed, you ho! What's next, getting 006 garroted? Gonna have 009 impaled? Hit the bricks, bitch!

Just when I think this movie can't get worse, Wolf Blitzer makes a cameo. Way to cheerlead the invasion of Iraq, you idiot! How do you sleep at night??

Bond shows up at Dench's place at night, alive. Cause she's tough and sassy she doesn't apologize for getting him shot, but incredibly still defends her idiotic and utterly inept decision making! With her stubborn defiance and refusal to admit she made a mistake, she reveals herself to be both arrogant and incompetent. In short, she's perfect for the military. Zing! Take that, West Point!

Instead of letting her best agent, the legendary Jimmy Bond, win a one-on-one fight with some dude, (therby keeping him alive and getting the disk), she orders a novice agent to take a shot at a moving target atop a speeding train which could result (and does!) with Bond being hit and the bad guy getting away. Somehow in the aftermath she not only refuses to kill herself, but maintains a healthy ego. I can't stand it. In addition, she won't let the now homeless Bond crash at her place for the night, haughtily dismissing him into the night with, "You're not bloody well staying here." Is the audience supposed to be impressed by that? Why can't he stay for the night? You almost had him killed and you sold his apartment when you thought he was dead, and now you can't let him use your couch for one night, you hump? Go drink some Metamucil and fuck yourself, you harpy.

Moving on! The incompetent agent who shot Bond and let the bad guy get away is inexplicably chipper and still employed, trading quips with Bond in the next scene and cheerily insisting she wants to get back out in the field. Umm, you suck. You're what's known as a failure, sweetness, now be a dear and go find the coffee machine. It's quite odd to see Mendes transform Bond from a witty playboy into a moody bore, but at the same time surround him with women who should actually turn him into a misogynst prick. So far in this flick he's dealt with two women, an old dingbat who relentlessly hectors him until he calls her a bitch, and an eager young agent who drove like crap and then shot him. If I'm Bond I'm joining the He Man Woman Haters Club asap, or becoming a republican at the very least. Zing! Take that Tea Party!

Oh look, another unappealing character on screen. Since they made Judi Dench M, I'm guessing this fey dude following her around is Moneypenney. He's a real triple threat: charmless, pointless, and unattractive. Must have been tough to cast, did they drop a dollar at an accountant's convention and hire the first bore who picked it up?

Gross, it's the new Q. He's got a boy band haircut and is inexplicably arrogant even around a grizzled agent like the worn and wan Bond. OSS 117 would karate chop this dweeb in the neck inside of five seconds, but Bond is so defeated in this flick he just tolerates this whipper snapper, even when he gets his "gadgets," which lamely consist of a gun and a radio. Q notes Bond's disappointment and drips condescencion and forced cool: "Were you expecting an exploding pen? We don't really go in for that anymore."

Bond cocks his eye and levels nerdlinger with a death glare, "Oh no? Why not? Eliminating the gadgets so you'll have more screen time for dessicated old bitches and charmless dorks? The gadgets are popular and part of what has made this the most successful franchise in film history, thereby giving a hack like Sam Mendes a job he doesn't deserve. So why don't you stop acting so fucking superior and get me an exploding pen, asshole!"

Unfortunately I only imagined that retort. In actuality Bond lamely takes Q's gun and murmurs, "Brave new world," which doesn't really even make sense. New Q spouts a nod to Desmond Llewelyn, the original and still the best Q, by telling Bond to bring the equipment back in one piece, which again doesn't make any sense cause all you've given him is a gun and a lame little radio! When the old Q would scold Bond it was part of a playful give and take cause he cared deeply about his intricate inventions and was proud of the modifications he made to the equipment he entrusted Bond with, while Bond was cavalier. It worked! But when some shitstain babyfaced dweeb arrogantly hands over a pistol and a transmitter and then says with condescension, "Take care of it," I long for Bond to kick him in the nads with Rosa Klebb's spiked shoe. Crane style!

Bond follows the assassin to Shanghai and lets him kill some security guards. Way to go, Bond! He really is a terrible agent. You just need info from that guy, why are you letting him go on a killing spree while you watch? Don't Chinese security guards have families? Children? I bet somewhere in China there is a little boy, let's call him Pei Ching, who is now fatherless cause Bond was too busy acting cool and aloof to save him. Shame on you, Bond! Little Pei lost his papa!!

Bond also watches the assassin kill a guy in the building next door. Um...super agent? Anytime you want to step in and stop this guy would be good. Does he just assume whoever this dude kills deserves it? After all that, Bond finally intervenes but fails again! The dude drops to his death without spilling the beans. You suck, Bond! Those innocents all died for nothing! Christ you are inept. Anyone from the French secret service available?

The Bond girl shows up, and in happy news I'm attracted to her. In sad news she dies almost instantly. Nice job Mendes, why do you hate goodness? Is it because you know deep down you're a fraud who will be scorned by the future super race of genetically modified wonder beings?

The wonder beings will not approve of the obviously terrible scene in which a Komodo dragon comes to Bond's rescue. Was that an odd and utterly out of place homage to a scene in Return of the Jedi? I'll leave that one alone cause I hate George Lucas and don't want to think about him or Carrie Fisher. Let's skip ahead to Bond being both inept, heartless, and downright repulsive. So he's deduced that the Bond girl is a sex slave who has likely had a rough go of things. He tells her he can help her and she says she'll be waiting for her knight in Savile Row bespoke on a ship close by. Naturally enough, Bond responds to this damsel in distress by whisking her away to freedom and security!

Or he skulks on board, gets naked, and slithers behind her unawares while she's in the shower. (Ummm psst...Jimmy! I know you're pretty suave and all but she's a sex slave. I don't think approaching her naked from behind while she's in the shower is the classy move you think it is.) She doesn't cry rape and instead they appear to fornicate. Did Bond skip the STD seminar agents are required to attend at MI6 school? I didn't see a prohylactic, Mr. Bond!! It would have been a true rebranding and all around awesome if she had screeched in horror at his first touch and cried rape.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Baby it's me, Bond, James Bond...I met you about an hour ago at the casino."

"Yes I know, you dick. You said you would help me!"

"Right...umm that's why I'm here."

"This is how you help? Sneaking onto my fucking boat naked and coming up from behind me while I'm in the shower?? That's rape you fucking idiot."

"Whoaaa...slow down. I thought you were into me. You were definitely flirting."

"Flirting! We talked for two minutes! How did that turn into 'sneak onto my boat and fuck me from behind before I even see you??' How the fuck does that help me? I've been a sex slave since I was a teenager, you goddamn ignorant animal! Get the fuck off my boat!

"But I'm Bond..."

"You're a craggy faced raper! Why didn't you just get the info from one of the henchmen at the casino instead of involving a sex slave scared out of her wits?"

"Cause I'm bloody incompetent, haven't you figured that out?"

After fucking, chick is having second thoughts about Bond's brilliant plan to just show up at evil dude's lair, but it's too late! In moments they are both prisoners and she is dead. Tough life for hot chick! Bond watches her die and makes a quip about losing whiskey. Hilarious! way to save her, asshole! You know you're a colossal failure right? Ronson, the security guards, hot chick...maybe if you would lose the ego and slow down on the booze you might actually save a few lives, hotshot. Of course seconds after letting princess die he grabs a gun and saves himself, which of course begs the question as to why he didn't do that before the innocent and hot girl got her brains blown out. Do you think John Wayne would have let shit go down that way? John Cena? John Holmes? John Pinette?

Skyfall has really damaged my view of Bond as a whole. I caught a snippet of You Only Live Twice subsequent to seeing the opening of Skyfall, the scene in which Bond is given sake by Tiger Tanaka.

And Bond drinks it happily and Tiger says something about Bond being cultivated. Bond says something back about how he loves sake, especially when it's served at the correct temperature (which I suppose is a compliment to his hosts) but then says the temperature!

It's such a dick pompous know it all move and I found myself rooting for Blofeld to kill him. "Ooh look everyone, that asshole knows the correct temperature for sake to be served, and feels like announcing it to everyone even though no one asked. We're real impressed douche!"

This terrible film gets even worse when some plot holes bigger than Selena Gomez's talent emerge. Turns out Javier Bardem's plan was to be captured on purpose, so he could then immediately escape, and then go and kill M. Umm...but he could have killed her at the beginning. He purposely let her live when he blew up her office so he could get captured and then get free to then kill her? But why get captured at all? It doesn't make any sense!!

Also in one scene he's bragging about how spies like Bond are outdated, and how he can destroy companies or rig elections or blow up buildings with a few clicks on his computer. Then minutes later his incredible plan to kill M culminates in him charging into a fortified building with two henchman, with pistols, and engaging in a gunfight. Great strategy! (Also New Q seems utterly inept - is there anyone in this movie who is good at their job?)

Seriously though how is it possible that anyone on earth could enjoy this movie? I'd like to find the critics who sang this movie's praises and murder them, starting with you Roger Ebert...hello what's this? Oh really...hmm...well, cross that off my "to do" list.

Anyhoos...off to Scotland! Great, this implausible bore has turned into a road movie, and I'm glad Mendes has abandoned all pretense of following the Bond tradition and instead seems intent on emulating Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! Dench and Craig are a clear upgrade over Stallone and Getty, and I look forward to hijinx in the highlands. Will Dame Judi go a rip roarin' and shoot up some no goodniks in a thistle field? We'll see!!

Albert Finney shows up, and oddly looks more spry than the fossil Dench and the increasingly haggard looking Craiggers. Incredibly the movie gets even more boring and darker and dumber, with Bond asking Finney if they've got any guns. Hey shithead, you had time to change cars, maybe stop off someplace and pick up some weapons too? Was Bond always this incompetent?

Judi Wudi is saddy waddy. "I fucked this up didn't I?"

Bond consoles, "You did your job."

What does that even mean, "You did your job"? Did you forget to add "horribly," Bond? She has been an arrogant screw-up from moment one in this flick, right up to the end where she goes along with this ludicrous plan to hole up in the middle of nowhere with no one but Bond and an old man. It's totally stupid and I hate it. That's another thing...the Dencher is tired of people dying cause of her, and flees with Bond and Bond alone, but they both have no problem with Finney dying for some reason. We won't involve any other agents (even though nerdlinger and secretary and Fiennes know about it), but we will let this old dude hang around to get shot. I need to rewatch Tokyo Drift quick before I give up on movies all together.

The attack begins...Bardem sends in the first wave with machine guns etc. Weird cause when he attacked Dench while she was in Parliament he had two guys with pistols, but now that he's facing an old woman, an old dude and Bond, he's got a small army. But why should I expect the end to not suck when the first two hours were awful?

The decrepit trio fend off the first assault and then see Bardem arrive in his whirly bird. He disembarks and orders his men not to kill Dench, cause he wants the honor. Umm, excuse me, dickface? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but you inexplicably brought up the rear. What if those first group of killers you sent to kill everyone had actually killed her? Would you have been upset? "Oh no! You guys got her?? I was assuming you would fail...well gee whiz I guess I'm glad she's dead but I kinda wanted to shoot her. Crap. I'm totally bummed now."

Bond's family estate explodes and he runs across some cracking ice until Bardem stops him in his tracks by shooting at his feet. Uh oh! It looks like curtains for Bond! I don't know how he gets out of this one: he's unarmed, Bardem has him covered with his weapon, and he's standing atop cracked ice that could break any second sending him to a frozen death. But wait! A henchman inexplicably stands right next to Bond! Does he not know how ice works? Guns? Why does he not join Bardem on the safety of the bank? Does he think he needs to be next to Bond in order to fire his gun? Irrespective of Bond, is he not worried that the ice Bardem just shot into and is cracking will be unable to bear the weight of two brawny men?

I'm at the apex of my hatred for this terrible movie but thankfully the end is near and I get to watch Dench die as the Gorton's fisherman looks on. Oh no wait that's Albert Finney. Why was he in this movie again? What the fuck is with all the old people featured prominently in this flick? The Bond chick died almost instantly! If I wanted more Finney I'd watch Jason Bourne, who is clearly better than the new brooding humorless failure Bond.

So Dench is dead and there is much rejoicing but the movie won't end and oh it's that charmless, incompetent chick again. Hello - what's this? She's decided not to go back in the field? Well I should hope so she was fucking terrible! Oh my god, she's the new Moneypenney. If she's Moneypenney then who the hell was that asexual nothing running around doing errands for Judi Dench the whole time? Christ there are so many pointless characters and moments in this movie.

New Moneypenney and Bond share some charmless repartee. What's with the flirting? Didn't he bang her already? How can he respect her? Won't that be awkward in later movies? "So Moneypenney, reduced to being a secretary after failing so badly in the field. Remember when you shot me? Yeah I fell into a waterfall...should have died, really. Then you threw yourself at me in Shanghai, obviously desperate to please. Did I ever tell you that the day after fucking you I fucked a sex slave on her boat? Without a condom incidentally, not into those! Anyway she's dead. Soooo...is M in?"

My contempt for everyone involved in this movie grows with every scene, and not just cause they are English, though that isn't bloody helping!

The secretary dude who isn't Moneypenney interrupts Bond and chick. So let me get this straight, Mendes: we get no gadgets, only one Bond girl (who dies right away) and virtually no humor, but you double up on old people, secretaries and scenes of Bond drinking all sad and alone. Shouldn't you be directing Driving Miss Daisy 2 instead of spy thrillers? You're tacky and I hate you.

Fiennes shows up again, looking like shit and far from being the handsome charmer we recall from Schindler's List. Hmm...I guess he wasn't exactly charming in that...sharp uniform though that can't be denied! I wonder who did his tailoring. Well, he was a handsome charmer in Maid in Manhattan, let's all agree on that! Oh J. Lo, will you ever win?

I digress. Fiennes is a haughty uptight shit in this crapfest and he tosses Bond a dossier, mumbling some crud about a new mission and how the broken down drunk Bond should get to work enforcing England's imperial meddling and performing dirty deeds at the behest of their corporate overlords and jingoistic idiots in government. "With pleasure," Bond replies, his face more dour than Judi Dench's gynecologist.

And just what is so pleasureable about his job? He let Ronson die, his boss gave a terrible order that resulted in him getting shot by his inept partner agent, he's an alcoholic pill popper who lost all of his possessions when the state decided he was dead. He allowed an assassin to kill several innocent people while he watched, only to let him fall to his death before getting any useful intel out of him. He promised to rescue a woman who had been trapped in sex slavery only to let her die moments before saving himself. He facilitates Bardem's infiltration into London and fails to stop him from going on a kill spree in the subway and parliament. He idiotically brings Dench to Scotland, virtually unarmed, and proceeds to get his house blown up before watching her perish. Mission accomplished? Where is 008 when you need him!

APPENDIX by JOHN CRIBBS

Paul, I agree with everything you've said: Skyfall is such an awful movie and Sam Mendes is the worst. One of the many things I couldn't get over while watching this thing was how Bond is always standing around with his legs spread wide open for some reason:

I don't think this was a choice made by Daniel Craig - almost all the characters stand around with their legs open at some point:

Does Mendes thinks it makes his characters look hard? Or like a certain prototype for his dull, self-serious version of Bond?

Mark my words: the next Mendes Bond movie will have a villain perform an overly complicated escape from an airplane, have Bond be "broken" and then forced to fight his way out of captivity and Ralph Fiennes & co. will be chasing a moving bomb all around London.

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