SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW 2011

   JUNE 17

GREEN LANTERN (Martin Campbell, Warner Brothers)

When he's granted a mystical green ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers, test pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) becomes the first human to earn membership into an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace within the universe. His mission: to combat an enemy called Parallax, which threatens to destroy the universe's balance of power.

PAUL: We're scraping the bottom of the last barrel in the superhero warehouse. The Green Lantern? I'm not impressed. Some dude has a magic lantern? Is he protecting barns from evil cow tippers? Oh what's that? He has a cute green ring that does stuff? Jam it ya fruit.

ERIC: I just watched the trailer for the movie Green Lantern, and so I just increased my knowledge about the DC Comics character Green lantern by one hundred percent. Is this really what that character is? Part of an interstellar organization of aliens that wield magic rings that manifest whatever you think of? I had no idea.

Now that I've watched the trailer, I find it nearly impossible to believe that (a) anyone takes Ryan Reynolds seriously, (b) anyone takes Green Lantern seriously and thus (c) the good folks at Warner Brothers decided that this movie would be a good use of thousands of hours of effort and millions of dollars. The saddest part is that when the opening weekends numbers roll in, I will inevitably be proved wrong. The movie does seem to feature the great Peter Sarsgaard in hilarious makeup, so there's that.

JOHN: I think there's a preemptive backlash against this movie. Nobody I know is excited for it, everybody seems to expect it to be bad. I'm on the fence myself. I've always thought the idea of Green Lantern - a space cop whose power is drawn from the strengh of his own will - was pretty cool, and of course Alan Moore made it cooler by creating a sentinent planet that was a member of the Green Lantern Corps. But I've never really been into the character: for one thing, which Green Lantern am I supposed to be a fan of? Alan Scott? Hal Jordan? Guy Gardner? Kyle Rayner? Kilowog? Woozlewuzzle? Boodikka? Flintrick? Skybum? Magaan Van'n Intraktus? (only a third of those are made-up. Green Lantern fans are such bigger nerds than Star Wars guys: they have to memorize way too many goofy names.) Honestly my favorite one was (non-Daily Show) John Stewart from the Justice League cartoon. But this isn't Jumping the Broom, so they skipped the opportunity to feature the black Green Lantern and went straight to the safe, larger-demographic attracting Ryan Reynolds.

Fuck it, I like Reynolds. Guy's paid his dues. Starred in a crappy sitcom. Spearheaded a failed comedy franchise. Dated Alanis Morissette. All well-calculated moves towards becoming an A-list movie star, and none of them pretty. His track record with the superhero flicks has not been good - terrible sequels to Blade and Wolverine, and is that Deadpool movie nobody wants really happening? - but now he's got his big Hollywood lead role...things are lookin up. I'm more than willing to give the kid a shot.

Like the new Batman movies, this one seems like it could easily slip into intolerable self-seriousness. Or terrible humor (that Pledge of Allegiance joke from the preview is atrocious.) Why should I pay money to see this movie when I can stay at home and watch the new animated film featuring the all-star voice cast of Nathan Fillion, Roddy Piper and Arnold Vosloo? These are all legitimate points/concerns, and I don't cotton to Martin Campbell's claims that he's made the comic book movie "gritty" by showing the superhero actually getting hurt (a battle-torn Spiderman looked pretty fucked up more than a couple times in Raimi's movies.) This isn't James Bond or Zorro - this is a space cop with a magic ring! Gritty realism is not necessarily the correct approach to this kind of material.

MR. POPPER'S PENGUINS (Mark Waters, 20th Century Fox)

After businessman Mr. Popper (Jim Carrey) receives a penguin as a gift, he soon finds himself the caretaker of five more of the seabirds, and he subsequently changes his life and home to accommodate his new charges.

PAUL: Seriously? Is this animated? Cause I don't watch cartoon movies...but if it isn't, I'm intrigued by penguins. Is it the real life tale of a crusty old hockey coach named Mr Popper? Does he watch Sidney Crosby shower? That sounds really perverse. Mr. Popper, you rascal! That is a Canadian national treasure you're spying on! Although maybe this movie is what hockey needs to get popular south of Canadaland.

ERIC: Brilliantly capitalizing on America’s love affair with both Jim Carrey and penguins, this movie had the temerity and, dare I say it, genius, to combine them. If you are five years old or younger, or have an IQ of 60 or less, you will undoubtedly find this shit hilarious.

JOHN: Are the penguins in his head? They appear when nobody is around, yet somehow help him get through the anxieties he's feeling after his wife leaves him? Did Jodie Foster direct this movie?

And is there anything kids love that Jim Carrey can't ruin? Batman, The Grinch, Horton, Lemony Snicket, Ebenezer Scrooge, pet detectives...now penguins. And he's tapdancing atop Dick Van Dyke's grave (...what? He isn't? Are you sure about that? Well, I guess he's next.) Carrey certainly doesn't look anything like the Pringles guy from the cover of this allegedly beloved children's classic. I never read it, nor do I know anyone who has, but I remember seeing the book everywhere when I was a lad. From what I gather, it's like "The Trouble with Tribbles" with penguins. Or Jumanji. They keep multiplying, is the idea, and it drives this Pringle Popper guy crazy? The penguins pop and can't stop them? Is Morgan Freeman going to make an appearance, since he was God in Bruce Almighty and narrated that penguin documentary?

I would watch this if it were on TV, on mute, to see Carla Gugino's poppers. Otherwise, get it out of my face.

THE ART OF GETTING BY - formerly "HOMEWORK" (Gavin Wiesen, Fox Searchlight)

George (Freddie Highmore), a lonely and fatalistic teen who's made it all the way to his senior year without ever having done his schoolwork, is befriended by Sally (Emma Roberts), a popular but complicated girl who recognizes in him a kindred spirit.

PAUL: Why wasn't this brat doing his homework? And just how was he advancing without doing the required workload? I'm not going to sit here and accuse him of trading illicit sex acts for good grades, but I haven't met an educator yet who prefers apples over handjobs. Somebody check this kid's fingers!

ERIC: I can't seem to find a trailer for this, but based on the two "Sundance sneak-peek" clips I found on the interwebs, not having a trailer makes sense, because this movie appears to be a whole lot of nothing. Not sure who Freddie Highmore and Emma Roberts are, but if they are supposed to be the next generation of American actors, the future will be bland [technically Highmore is British -- ed.]

* After writing the above paragraph, I was informed that the title of the movie had changed from Homework to something else, presumably to avoid reminding kids of something they hate while trying to siphon money from them. So while a trailer probably exists now, and with very little effort I could probably find it, I'm just not going to. Go find it yourself.

JOHN: God, what a tedious description to have to read. "Lonely and fatalistic?" "Popular but complicated?" "Kindred spirit?" Can you imagine having to sit through the actual movie? I barely made it through the plot synopsis.

BUCK (Cindy Meehl, Sundance Selects)

A documentary on Buck Brannaman, a renown "horse whisperer" who helps people connect with their animals.

PAUL: Listen Buckface, I saw this shit about the horse whisperer when it was called The Horse Whisperer, so I don't need any goddamn talking horsey hand-me-downs! Do you have a teenage Scarlett Johannson bucking broncos in your picture? No you don't, cause she is a mature lady now dating a very angry and creepy man named Penn. Buck off!

ERIC: I tend to not like documentaries that have celebrities pop up to tell us about things (get out of here, Robert Redford!) but for the most part this looks like a humble documentary about a sort of horse whisperer. I've been going through the slow realization that my dog's problems are to a large extent a result of my personality and not his, so Buck claiming that "Instead of helping people with horse problems, I help horses with people problems" hit me right in the soft spot.

JOHN: So it's not a documentary about the Bundy's dog?

I'm not sure I trust this guy. What is he whispering to these horses? Is it something about me? Every time he whispers something I detect the horse he's whispering to grinning slightly and steal a look in my direction. Yeah, I'm right here you four-legged asshole! Think you're better than me just because it's biologically impossible for you to vomit?

Look, I honestly got no beef with this flick. As long as Buck doesn't come out of the closet and the horse isn't subtitled.

   JUNE 24

CARS 2 (John Lasseter & Brad Lewis, Walt Disney Studios)

Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), pit boss Mater (voiced by Larry the Cable Guy), and the rest of Lightning's crew enter the Race of Champions, a multi-national event taking place in Japan, Germany, Italy, France, and England.

PAUL: So Owen didn't kill himself so he could work with Woody Allen and make cartoon car movies with Larry the Cable guy? Don't sell suicide short, Owen! I think I would take my chances with a nice cool glass of bleach before sharing the screen with some bloated redneck and a clarinet wielding creep.

ERIC: I am a well-known supporter of the original Cars, and I find the public and critical disparagement of it to be utterly baffling. Sure, it's not the best super hero movie ever made like The Incredibles, not one of the best movies ever made about food, art, and Paris like Ratatouille, but it's a fine movie about not always taking the interstate, the sweet things you find when you stray from the beaten path, and the joys of living life in the slow lane once in a while. Also, Paul Newman was in it.

Now, that said, I'm not sure what to make of this. The trailer makes it seem like everyone at Pixar thought the best parts of the first film all featured Larry the Cable Guy's tow truck, and have built all of the jokes around him. Also, Michael Caine is in there as a British spy? I love Michael Caine, but.... huh? Pixar has obviously proven everyone wrong on the sequel front before so it seems silly to bet against them, but my being able to defend this after its release is starting to look like a long shot.

JOHN: There's nothing off that beaten path Pfriender, just a Denny's. And anyway, isn't this sequel - the preview of which has the eponymous living vehicles heading off for the excitement of Europe of Japan - going to spoil that romantic notion? Look, I've seen Christine and some of the Herbie movies: I have no problem accepting the idea of living cars. But living cars in a world without humans? I'm sorry, but even for an animated film that's what I find utterly baffling. And the preview has revealed that this one is introducing "car bathrooms?" Look, I was willing to buy that Wall-E was in "love" with Eve, but I shouldn't be forced to think about the excretory system of a machine while I'm watching a Pixar movie!

Look, last summer I had the gall to doubt Toy Story 3, which turned out to be a big fucking mistake. However, there was no joke in that film anywhere near as egregious as the Cable Man's truck turning German and wearing "Mater-hosen," which thanks to the trailer we already know is in this movie. Hm...a "trailer" for the movie...there's some kind of terrible pun the marketing boys missed there, huh? I won't be pushing children out of the way to be first in line for this. On the one hand, it will be nice not to have to see Emily Mortimer's face in a movie for a change. On the other, I can't imagine her voice being suitable for animated features.

BAD TEACHER (Jake Kasdan, Columbia)

Dumped by her sugar daddy, an unsaintly schoolteacher (Cameron Diaz) targets one of her colleagues as her next lover - a plan that pits her against a popular co-worker (Lucy Punch.) Co-starring Jason Segel and Justin Timberlake.

PAUL: I've always regarded Cameron Diaz as the least talented angel, and she currently dates Alex Rodriguez which only adds to her odiousness, but this flick does feature the peerless JT, and you don't lightly dismiss the quadruple threat that is La Timberlake, although his taste in broads is highly suspect. Highly suspect! Still I do enjoy a good fucking curseword and watching children get demeaned is always a joy. I have high hopes. High hopes!

ERIC: Another "bad" version of something that is normally "good!" Hilarious!

Actually, this trailer actually made me laugh more than once, so it's possible that the movie itself will actually prove to be a suitable diversion for two hours on an early summer afternoon, which is all it needs to be. This could very well be a solid double, or at least a well-earned full-count walk. Take your base, Miss Diaz.

Also, it's time I was honest with myself and just came clean: it turns out I'm a fan of Justin Timberlake. I know, I know - I only just realized it myself.

JOHN: I've never seen a Jake Kasdan movie I hated, but alternatively I've never seen one that I loved. Zero Effect is the best one, but I wouldn't say I love that movie - would you? Walk Hard was so funny for the first half, and then suddenly for no explicable reason it just stopped, like the joke timer had run out or something. So while I'm certainly not predisposed to enjoy anything directed by Kasdan, I always have high hopes for it. That said, if I only saw one movie that came out this particular weekend it would absolutely be this one.

From the preview, it seems that this one is about Cameron Diaz trying to get her class to do well on a standardized test so she can afford a boob job to make JT like her. Sounds vaguely autobiographical to me. I've just never been charmed by Diaz, and she's certainly getting too old to play these dim flibbertigibbets. Why couldn't they get Anna Faris for this role? Is it because (based on Yogi Bear and promos for her new movie What's Your Number?) she's apparently a hideous wreck these days? Segel has been largely absent from the big screen since Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which has given me loads of time to cool decisively on that movie. However, he is right - in the preview - to point out that LeBron James is no Michael Jordan. Talk to me when LeBron has six championships under his belt, indeed! Or when he and his new all-star team can even handle the current Chicago Bulls, bitch!

On a further sour note, it's written by the guys behind Year One, and I don't mean Frank Miller and David Mazzucchelli. (Jesus, I just can't keep my geekhood in check for this article, can I?)

A BETTER LIFE (Chris Weitz, Summit Entertainment)

A crisis befalls Carlos (Demián Bichir), an illegal immigrant working as a landscaper in Los Angeles and focused on providing a better life for his son (José Julián.)

PAUL: It's about time Hollyweird started making motion pictures, cinema goddamnit!, out of Ace of Base songs. I'm hoping this is part of a trilogy with All That She Wants Is Another Baby Eyay Ey and I Saw The Sign coming up next. Hello, what's this? This movie has nothing to do with Swedish pop songs? "A Better Life" is not an Ace of Base song? "It's a Beautiful Life" is the Ace of Base tune I lost my virginity too? That prostitute wasn't even Swedish.

ERIC: You know what this summer didn't need? A watered-down American remake of Bicycle Thieves, starring a bunch of illegal immigrants. This looks like the kind of crappy, whiny bullshit that gives leftist politics a bad name. A quick rule of thumb: if it's asking questions, it's art; if it's giving you answers, it's just propaganda.

JOHN: Have you ever instantly hated a movie based on the title alone? It's the first part of a trilogy to be followed by Land of Opportunity and The Wretched Refuse of Your Teeming Shore. You can practically hear the top studio brass explaining "We need a Pursuit of Happyness for the Hispanic crowd!" And this is just a theory, but I have a sneaking suspicion this son is not going to find a better life. Here's proof: he's the guy sweeping up the aisles of the empty theater showing A Better Life this summer.

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