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   Predators

In this sequel to 1987's Predator, a group of elite warriors are hunted by members of a merciless alien race. Starring Adrian Brody, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, Laurence Fishburne, Danny Trejo and Walton Goggins. Directed by Nimrod Antal, co-produced by Robert Rodriguez.

EP: Finally, a sequel to Predator! Oh, wait. Well, at least this one follows Aliens' suit by just pluralizing the titular creature. This actually looks good, although Robert Rodriguez's involvement makes this entire undertaking suspect in my book. Also, despite many shots of Adrian Brody running through the jungle with a gun, he seems to have emerged from the cutting room with lines of dialogue intact, which means those rumors that Terrence Malick did some uncredited editing work on this can be dispelled. But let's focus on what's important here: Predators! More than one! I'm in. 

JC: The Expendables is apparently an attempt to bring together the ultimate modern Badass cast, a feat currently held by the first Predator film. On that movie's documentary, Carl Weathers talks about how everyone on set would hit the barballs between takes trying to out-man each other. The guy who played Billy allegedly had bodyguards - not to protect him, but to PROTECT OTHER PEOPLE FROM HIM. Because the guy who played Billy was apparently a genuine psychopath and was court-ordered to have people around him to stop from beating other people within an inch of their lives. Jesus, have you ever heard of anything like that? Anyway, then we moved on to Predator 2 (the one with the same fish-out-of-water plot as Crocodile Dundee) with a cast that included Danny Glover and Bill Paxton. Well, not nearly as badass a crew as the first Predator gang but acceptable, I suppose. Glover at least had that line at the end where instead of saying "I'm too old for this shit!" when faced with a big group of alien monsters he let out a resigned "Ok - who's next?" Skirting around the two deplorable Alien crossover films (if you'll recall, the hero of the last movie was a pizza delivery boy), we come to our modern day Predator movie cast. Adrien Brody...Topher "the Gopher" Grace...what the hell?? Just those first two names makes me wonder if they tried to round off the team with Michael Cera, Jay Baruchel and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Maybe throw Jonah Hill in their as the leader, why not? I'm sure the Predators will be so charmed by these guys' efforts to fuck women who by all means should be repulsed by their bodies as well as their personalities that they'll forget to decapitate and skin all of them in about 30 seconds. Could there be a worse duo of skinny dorks sent up against not one but I'm guessing from the title a legion of these terrifying beasties than Brody and Gopher? Was the studio mentality "Well we want to make this as different from the original as possible...so who would be the exact opposite of Bill Duke? Got it: Topher Grace!" In the first movie, the guy who acts the most hardcore is the second to die and the dude who probably is the most hardcore (read: commanded by law to have bodyguards present at all times to stop him from wailing on others) is so resigned to defeat he lets the alien kill him. So can we expect Adrien Brody to do much more than shit his pants and hope the offensive smell will scare the creatures away? And what's Alice Braga doing there, is she the new "El cazador trofeo de los hombres" chick? She'd probably fare better against the predators than these two pansies, at any rate. What's that you say? Oh we have Danny Trejo and Larry Fishburne, they're pretty tough. Yeah well unless the movie takes place in prison or in the Matrix I don't think the aliens have much to worry about. Walton Goggins? He'll probably make racist comments about the predators' dreadlocks and be the first to die, at least after those two underweight weaklings have been effortlesly discarded.

Ok I checked out the trailer again - Brody definitely seems like the leader of this "black ops" unit, with Braga packing heat and actually looking much tougher than anybody else. Gopher at least has glasses and is out of uniform so I guess he's the token science nerd. So maybe this weenie squad has a little more muscle than I gave it credit for. Just a word to Robby Rodriguez: using the same sequel/pluralizing tactic as the Alien franchise is not going to make this venture seem any more legitimate. That's like saying "well Monica Belluci's beloved for her ta-tas, perhaps we can give Juliette Lewis a boob job and she will be just as good." Not happening, amigo. And it doesn't help that the script is by two guys who've written absolutely nothing. But I'll give it a shot.

PC: I love it. Does Billy Bear's kid have a role? Poncho's lad? Walton Goggins unleashed finally, Topher Grace as the...umm...what the shit? Topher fucking Grace? Is he playing "Effete Predator Alien Number 3?" Part of an interstellar comfort crew of alien prostitutes who help the Predator aliens unwind after the hunt with galactically awesome fellatio? Cuz I don't buy Topher as a soldier, or even holding a gun without using the word "dainty." I suppose he could be a Paul Reiser Aliens bureaucrat pussy traitor douchebag type.

CF: You know what? I don't like Predator. It's fine. It's nothing special. Stan Winston is awesome, Shane Black is funny, the movie is pretty boring. I think that disqualifies me from giving too much of an opinion on this one. But...hold on. Is this the movie I'm second most excited to see this summer? What the hell is going on here? Amy Pascal and Tommy Executive need to give me a call ASAP because Hollywood has clearly lost touched with the thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and yearnings of the average, red-blooded, mid-West hating, Left Coast elitist moviegoer such as myself. Goggins! Fishburne! PredatorS! Too bad Nimrod Antal blows.

The verdict: You're a big fish in a pond so small it's scary/ but that's ok, anyway, I burn fish like Larry.

Tally: 3-1

   The Kids Are All Right

An alternative-family drama centered on lesbian parents Nic (Annette Benning) and Jules (Julianne Moore), who each conceived a child through artificial insemination. The family's dynamics are tested when their youngest child, 15-year-old Laser (Josh Hutcherson), convinces college-bound Joni (Mia Wasikowska), to look up their donor. Directed by Lisa Cholodenko.

EP: Lisa Cholodenko makes what used to be called "indie" movies, usually with a central female performance that people think is really good. I don't have any strong opinions about anything she's done really, but this movie has something that her last few features didn't: The Ruff. That's right, Mark Ruffalo is all over this one. When is someone gonna cast The Ruff opposite Peter Sarsgaard and have them play grizzled NY cops who team up to take on corruption on the force while one of them is sleeping with the other one's wife? Somebody get Lumet on that. In any case, this also has Julianne Moore. But don't feel bad if you don't go to see it opening weekend and then it disappears from theaters after two weeks. You didn't kill it. The Predators did.

CF: This is the JBFC's guaranteed arthouse superhit for the summer. We've got a lot riding on its success and I will literally lose my job if Annette Benning does not deliver an Academy Award-winning performance. I like Juilanne Moore, but I will be diplomatic and say "This movie isn't my sort of thing." It actually has great word of mouth and people just love it. They love it like chocolate. I hear that in one year's time, chocolate will be completely replaced by this movie and tiny pictures of Annette Benning stapled to people's fingernails.

The verdict: Eat some chocolate while you still can.

JC: Shouldn't it be The Kids Are All Wright? The lesbian's children could be played by Jeffery Wright, Robin Wright, Steven Wright, Michael Wright (you know, from the original "V") and Wright Said Fred.

Did Julianne Moore complain to her agent that she wasn't being offered enough parts where she gets to make out with chicks? Based on this and Chloe, I guess Mr. Catch That Kid ain't cuttin' it at home. Look Cholo - as the old saying goes, a sperm donor "who's my daddy" melodrama involving lesbians is still just a sperm donor "who's my daddy" melodrama. All right? All right.

PC: For the audience's sake let's hope the projector isn't all right and suffers some sort of malfunction, thereby sparing the public the ordeal of watching this pap. I'd rather read the screeds smeared on random bathroom stalls for a hundred hours rather than sit through 5 minutes of this.

Tally: 1-3

     Cyrus

Recently divorced John (John C Reilly) sparks with Molly (Marisa Tomei) and takes the initial steps toward a new romance; however, he soon finds himself engaged in a war for Molly's attention with her over-protective son, Cyrus (Jonah Hill). Written and directed by Jay & Mark Duplass (The Puffy Chair.)

CF: Now this is what I'm talking about: Jonah Hill as a creepy loser. Tomei is stunningly attractive, which is weird because she was pretty mediocre when she was younger. What kind of sense does that make? John C. Reilly is stunningly attractive, even though he was playing Philip Seymour Hoffman's role in the last performance.

The verdict: This could actually be funny.

EP: Is this the "mumblecore goes mainstream" movie nobody has been waiting for? I've actually never seen any of those mumblecores, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe people are really pulling for this. It's certainly the first time in two years I've seen Jonah Hill in a trailer and not been instantly disinterested. The whole love triangle between him, his mom, and John C Reilly appears to be genuinely unsettling. Another hung jury.

PC: Marisa Tomei's still perky tits cast opposite John C Reilly...huh? He's playing the love interest? Isn't he gross? I mean he can be pretty funny in a movie but just what are Miss Tomei's still perky tits thinking dating him? She sure has bad taste in men...Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mickey Rourke, and now this...gross, gross, gross. Holy shit and wasn't she married to Joe Pesci? What the fuck is with those tits of hers? Have they no sense? Even when she's in her 30's she dates guys older than her.

No doubt Jonah Hill will bring his usual restrained charm to the picture, though in his defense he has a pulse and a personality, unlike that fey canadian corpse Mike Cera.

JC: I'm guessing this is not a prequel to The Warriors where we get to see Cyrus' Malcolm X-like ascension through the ranks of the New York gangs leading up to his tragic assassination. I can dig it!

I've defended The Puffy Chair, since it has an actual story and characters and looks like an actual movie unlike anything by "Bowel Movement" Bujalski and "Shit Stain" Swanberg (you know Bujalski studied film at Harvard? Who are these hipster fucknuts trying to fool?) Sure it's not a great film and I never saw Baghead and the one guy set himself back by participating in the inexplicably revered Humpday, but I would certainly trust them to take real actors and make a real movie with them. And recently it seems that John C Reilly aka Dr Steve Brule can do no wrong (although I've been cautiously ignoring that Cirque du Freak flick.)

Tally: 2-1, 1 hung jury

   July 16
   The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Master sorcerer Balthazar Blake (Nicolas Cage) recruits a seemingly everyday guy (Jay Baruchel) in his mission to defend New York City from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath (Alfred Molina). With Monica Bellucci. Directed by Jon Turteltaub (3 Ninjas, Instinct, National Treasure 1 & 2.)

JC: Like...Fantasia? I don't get it. Does this technically count as yet another Nic Cage remake? Or is it a bizarre sequel to the William Freidkin movie? And what does all this have to do with Robert Davi?

Whatever it is, nobody on earth loves the National Treasure movies more than Jordanna Kalman so I'm pretty much locked in to see this reunion of Cage and the Turtle Tub himself.

PC: Balls! Just when I thought it would be a Baruchel-free summer I get Nic Cage's greasy face and that whiny Canadian no-talent shit stain together in yet another Harry Potter rip-off.

Al Molina, recovered from being killed by Natasha Henstridge and vomited on by Chris Funderburg returns to the screen in yet another role which requires that doughy old man to terrorize NYC. Who knew someone so portly and benign looking could be so evil?

Can Baruchel save the city with his chin in his chest and his nasally voice? Can Molina withstand the power of Baruchel's squinting? Can America tolerate that grating charmless dick being in yet another movie?

I sure as fuck can't, I'll be in the park looking at high school girls with 10 bucks in my pocket and my hand in the other.

CF: I was just thinking about John Turteltaub the other day (really) because his name is so ridiculous and it was highlighted on the poster for Instinct like "well, oh, if John Turteltaub directed Anthony Hopkins as a monkey-man turned object of civilization for Cuba Gooding, Jr. then I'm off the fence and into the theater." Looking at his credits there, he seems to be a director reliably divorced from any sense of what's moronic and I enjoyed all three of the movies listed above. When I was a kid I liked 3 Ninjas. One of the l'il ninjas was fat and ate constantly. We'll call him Prater Willie. Anyhoo, what I'm getting at is, that what we have here is clearly Jonah Hex's toughest competition for this year's Van Helsing Award for Beautiful Awfulness. Hell, I believe Cribbs has given the award to Turtletaub several times already or at least highlighted how great and terrible and grerrible and tate the National Treasure movies have been. Is it too late to change my baby's name to Maxim Horvath?

The verdict: I've seen almost every Bellucci movie and as minor an obstacle as her being in this isn't going to stop me now. I even tracked down a copy of the recent remake of Second Breath that John let get destroyed in a fire.It's marginally excellent and it was a nice change-up to see her as an ice-cold blonde. Sometimes role-play and dress-up sessions are a good way to keep a creepy obsession fresh.

EP: Isn't it starting to seem like Nic Cage is taking jobs almost entirely based on the wig he's going to get to wear? I'm pretty sure he's not reading the scripts anymore, he's just asking to speak directly with Hair and Makeup. If he likes what he hears, he's in. I, however, am not.

Tally: 2-2

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