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   Inception

A sci-fi/thriller set within the "architecture of the mind," and centered on a group of business people who can construct a dream world for an individual and then infiltrate that world to steal their subconscious. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marion Cotillard, Ellen Page, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, Michael Caine and Lukas Haas. Written & directed by Christopher Nolan.

CF: This is the single stupidest description for a movie I have ever read. Why would you want to steal somebody's subconscious? Is it because they're actually the missing mental patient? The description is doubly stupid because it's one of those lame-brained, jackassed ideas that is deeply under the impression it's a super-smart, mind-bending mindfuck. Nolan has yet to make a good movie - pretentious, humorless, narratively idiotic, clever-but-dumb dreck like Memento, The Dark Knight and The Prestige in no way count as "good" - and this seems to have the least potential of anything he's ever done. That said, there's almost no way this could be worse than Shutter Island. Spoiler alert: he's the missing mental patient... dun, dun, dun!

The verdict: Mr. Nolan, stop monopolizing Mr. Watanabe's time. I would like to see him in a movie that has an actual chance of being good. Please continue employing Ellen Page, Leonardo DiCaprio and Marion Cotillard.

JC: Yeah fuck this movie. I just have one question: is the "architecture of the mind" the same as a mind library? Are there going to be scenes of Leo DiCaprio being chased among the shelves of his own personal brainatorium? Pretty barren in there I'd imagine, not a lot of places to hide. 

Hollywood, please stop trying to promote DiCaprio as some kind of actual "actor." Nice to see Tom Berenger getting work, though. 

EP: Coming off The Dark Knight, Nolan could do whatever he wanted. Looks like what he wanted was to make another Memento-style mind-bender. Hopefully this won't be one long gimmick, Memento-style.

PC: Lukas Haas! I knew that little fucker was destined for a comeback...I love it. Where is Michael Ironside though? Don't tell me you're remaking Total Recall without Ironside? [Don't you know, Paul? He's at the party. And he'll see YOU at the party! Wow...does anyone else feel like watching Total Recall right fucking now? --ed.]

I might actually like this movie if they don't fuck it up like they did the end of Sunshine. Special thanks to the casting director for not putting a good looking girl in any of the female lead roles. Wouldn't want to be distracted by someone I'm actually attracted to while following the plot. Appreciate it! Somebody give Rachele Wood a goddamn major role...a girl can only play "Lingerie Model Number 2" so many times!

Tally: 2-2

    July 23
   Salt

When CIA officer Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) is called a spy by a Russian defector, she goes on the run, putting all of her experience and skills to use to elude capture, learn the truth of her identity, and hopefully clear her name. With Liev Schreiber and Chiwetel Ejiofor. Directed by Phillip Noyce.

CF: Is this not about the Strategic Arms Limitations Treaties? It's about some lady named "Salt?" First off, who has ever had the last name "Salt?" Secondly, how can you make an international affairs action thriller called Salt and not have it in some way be about the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaties? Phillip Noyce must know better. He's actually a competent-to-good director. I enjoy his work. I will see this film and have moderately high hopes for it because he directed and Chiwetel Ejiofor is the fucking man. Seriously, Ejiofor probably looks awesome in his day-to-day life, like making a grilled cheese sandwich, he's standing there, looking awesome and then eating the sandwich. I'd be, like, "wow, that was really fucking cool." This just sounds like The Bourne Identity, though.

The verdict: I liked The Bourne Identity.

EP: Wasn’t somebody making a movie about Valerie Plame? This isn’t that movie, right? I really hope this isn’t that movie. Assuming this isn’t that movie, I am willing to give it a shot.

JC: Let's get this straight right here and now folks: Cheryl James is "Salt," Sandra Denton is "Pepa," Dee Dee Roper is "Spinderella." Their best album is Blacks' Magic. I don't want to have to over this again.

I know as a member of my sex I am supposed to instantly fall to my knees and perform corporal mortification at the gates of the Temple of Angelina Jolie, but you know what? She just doesn't do it for me. I'll always have that disgusting image of her making out with Billy Bob Thornton on the red carpet in my head*, or the image of her French kissing her brother. Now she walks around like she's fucking royalty. Remember how she used to brag about her knife collection? She's white trash painted up for the big screen, and all the adopted refugee children in the world are not going to change that. Besides that, I hated the Lara Croft movie (were there two of those? I honestly can't remember) and Mr and Mrs Smith, and enjoyed Wanted in a purely detached way that had nothing to do with her guns or her breasts. Nope, Action Angelina doesn't do it for me.

Feel free to email me if anyone needs to know the members of New Edition who aren't Bobby Brown.

* I just re-read that: "the red carpet in my head." You know, the red carpet in my head? It's just opposite the mind library.

PC: A chick CIA agent? What is she like a cleaning lady to our real secret agents? Are my tax dollars paying for spies to have housekeepers? Notwithstanding the fact that I haven't actually paid taxes in years I find it highly dubious. I'll keep my movie diet Salt-free this summer! HAHAHAHA!

Tally: 2-2

     Dinner for Schmucks

Tim (Paul Rudd) is a rising executive who "succeeds" in finding the perfect guest, IRS employee Barry (Steve Carell), for his boss's monthly event, a so-called "dinner for idiots," which offers certain advantages to the exec who shows up with the biggest buffoon. With Zach Galifianakis. Directed by Jay Roach (the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents movies.)

EP: Paul Rudd! I saw that guy buying a t-shirt at a Magnetic Fields show last month. This movie does not look funny. I'm sorry, it just doesn't.

CF: This sure-to-be-shitbomb appears to be a slight reimaging of that movie Dogfight with Lili Taylor where the dudes all try to bring the ugliest girl they can find to a party. Only that idea kinda makes sense because teenage dudes are assholes who love to insult and humiliate mildly unattractive teenage girls. This idea? Why the hell would executives want to waste their time hanging out with morons? If it were called Coke Party or Dinner for Strippers and Careerist Interns I could understand. But this? Jay Roach, I can't believe I'm writing this, but your high concept summer comedy makes no sense. And they have these dinners every month? Every month? What kind of "advantages" could they offer to "the exec who shows with the biggest buffoon?" "Congratulations, Paul Rudd, you found a moron: here's a raise. And keys to the executive washroom. This is an excellent and highly realistic way to run a business."

The verdict: Let me see a few previews of this before I have to make a decision. I'm not trying to say it definitely won't be funny. It stands a chance, at least, of being as funny The Benchwarmers or School for Socundrels.

PC: Rudd and Galifinak will no doubt deliver the goods and the usually irritating Carrell is perfectly cast as a retarded dick who is laughed at instead of with. I have high hopes for this one.

JC: The premise is absolutely retarded, it's directed by a hack with no sense of comedic timing, and I'm sorry Paul Rudd but even with the combined power of Jason Segel you couldn't do much with I Love You Man. And why did this movie need EIGHT writers? I was intrigued to see Simpsons/Critic/Larry Sanders Show scribe Jon Vitti's name in the mix...that is, until I found out he also worked on Alvin and the Chipmunks and its squeakquel. And who the hell is Stephanie Szostak? The daughter of Stroszek and Sleestak? They couldn't have gotten Shannyn Sossamon instead? Yep, all signs point to "no" on this one.

But I'll probably see it.

Tally: 2-1, 1 undecided

    Ramona and Beezus

If mischief-making Ramona Quimby (Joey King) isn't getting on the nerves of her big sister Beezus (Selena Gomez), she's getting into some trouble at home by inviting her entire kindergarten class over for a party without mentioning it to her mother (Bridget Moynahan) first.

JC: Why on earth did the boys in marketing decide to reverse the title of Beverly Cleary's book Beezus and Ramona? It doesn't sound as catchy for one thing. I guess they figure that this potential franchise is going to ultimately be all about Ramona and so she deserves top billing, but in the first book Beezus is the main character. Who cares right? This has as much to do with Beverly Cleary as the new Karate Kid does with Elisabeth Shue. I mean it's been like 25 years since I read it, but I don't remember there being a kindergarten party in the book.

The good news is, this movie will help get a new generation of kids interested in the charming series of books (I just re-read that - jesus.) The bad news is if it's successful they may try and take my Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing script away and give it to some Disney Channel hack like Steve Marmel or Matthew Diamond. Damn you, Diamond! Absconding with all my glory once again! It will also dash Chris Funderburg's dream to follow up my film with his own adaptation of Superfudge.

PC: Whoo! Two in a row. After I chuckle with Zach and Rudd I'll open my heart and loosen my trousers so I can be enthralled and enraptured by the dynamic twosome of Moynihan and Gomez. Yum, yum...hello what's this? Gomez may or may not be 18? Ok consider both of those yums for the delectable Miss Moynihan, still delicious even after being defiled and dumped by that gorgeous Irish jerk Tom Brady. I sat through Lord of War cuz of her, enjoyed her turn as bitchy bartender in Coyote Ugly and almost bought a straight-to-dvd movie solely cuz of the way she looked on the box.

Does Piper Perabo have a cameo as "lesbian friend of Beezus who dabbles in falconry"? I'm rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot right now in hopes that she does...hello what's this? That's not my rabbit's foot?

Moving on...

CF: I am too creeped out by what Paul wrote to respond. Give me a couple days to get my head together.

The verdict: Well-known, little-known fact: Sarah Polley played Ramona on Canadian television in the late 80's. She will always be the real Ramona. Wait - kindergarten party? What in hell's name is going on here?

EP: If I ever have kids, I’'m going to show them Night of the Hunter and Seven Samurai when they are five years old. You may want to take your kids to see Ramona instead. Up to you.

Tally: 1-2, 1 undecided (come on Funderburg!)

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