Join John Cribbs on a journey through the full run of HBO's early 90's horror anthology Tales from the Crypt. You might expect us to make a series of Crypt Keeper inspired puns here in our intro, but c'mon we can't compete with that guy. Instead, we'll simply say that there's no grand idea behind these episode-by-episode recaps, they were prompted by Cribbs' interest in delving into a series that he was not intimately familiar with in his youth.

In addition to being laden with heavy-hitters distinctly of the era like Demi Moore, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Zemeckis, Tales from the Crypt features numerous Pink Smoke favorites like filmmakers Walter Hill, Rodman Flender, Steven E. DeSouza and Tobe Hooper as well as a wide variety of the kind of character actors that we love: William Sadler, Michael Ironside, Lance Henriksen, William Hickey, Grace Zabriskie, a rotating assortment of Paul Verhoeven regulars and even Dr. Giggles himself, Larry Drake. Hell, it's the early 90's so Morton Downey, Jr., Sam Kinison and Heavy D. even somehow end up figuring into it all.

Sorry: there's no delectable twist ending for this intro in which our sins are ironically and violently pointed back into our own faces. It's an intro to an episode guide.

{SEASON 1, EPs 1-3.}
{SEASON 1, EPs 4-6.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 1-2.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 3-5.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 6-8.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 9-10.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 11-12.}
{SEASON 2, EPs 13-15.}

Season 2, Episode 13: "Korman's Kalamity"
Director: Rowdy Herrington
Original air date: June 26, 1990

This is a special episode for me: it's the first Tales from the Crypt I ever saw. I had it on video cassette, the full HBO version (which means I must have recorded it at my uncle's house, possibly in an effort to document some boobs off Dream On) with the last 2 minutes cut off. That's right: this is my personal "Single Female Lawyer." I've waited almost 30 friggin' years to see the end of this episode, the first 25 minutes ingrained in my brain from multiple viewings - I remember every scene and each musical cue that matches Colleen Camp's movements. I remember the Weird Al shirt that Harry Anderson wears. And I remember - this being my first taste of the series - thinking how weird it was that this show Tales from the Crypt, based on a comic called Tales from the Crypt, was apparently about a comic book publisher that puts out a comic called Tales from the Crypt. That was some fairly meta shit for the early 90's! What would Harry Anderson's deadline-sweating artist be up to next week?

Just kidding, I'm sure that I was aware it was an anthology series. For one thing, the plot is very similar to the Tales from the Darkside episode "Word Processor of the Gods" (from a story by EC-worshiping Stephen King), right down to the nerdy creator using his newfound supernatural power (in Darkside, it's a writer with a magical word processor) to get rid of his horrible, shrewish wife and end the episode with a foxy new companion. Still, it's funny that my first random sampling of Crypt just happened to incorporate the EC comics into the story. Opening with a recursive "rancid rendering" of the Crypt Keeper (appropriate considering the episode's abundant self-referencing), we enter the tale by panning across a nerd shelf cramped with a Frankenstein, a Mummy, a Jabba, a skull, a mini guillotine, a weird thing in a jar, assorted dinosaurs, a boxed omnibus of Tales from the Crypt and Vault of Horror comics, and a hilarious wedding picture of Harry Anderson and wife Collen Camp. Anderson's beleaguered penciler of "Corpse Eaters from Pluto" is being forced by an emasculating Camp to take potency pills, one interesting side effect of which is to make his imagination "fertile" so that his gruesome drawings come to life and terrorize folks in the near vicinity (it's never established what happens to the manifested monsters after they've initially scared and/or mutilated someone - supposedly they simply stop existing after a short period of time?)

Camp, whose scenes bookend the episode, camps it up beautifully - she is perfect for this show. She sounds like a deranged gangster moll, belittling Anderson with terms like "lug nuts" and "ya little wimp!" Now that I think of it, it's almost a grotesque version of the Rosalind Russell tough-dame/rapid-fire dialogue/man-squashing performance she gave in They All Laughed. If I've often wondered aloud in these reviews as to what exactly the series is trying to capture in terms of period and tone, she seems to embody it: even before revealing creatures that literally come from the pages of Tales from the Crypt, Camp's character - cheap, loud, garish and comically abhorrent - appears to have been ripped right out of the comic. That the episode ends with a monster version of her being manifested from Anderson's pen is almost a case of hitting the nail a little too hard on the head.

This is a really fun episode, almost beyond criticism, although it does have a "horror comic writer" perpective that's complete male fantasy: a cool, hot lady cop falls instantly for nerdy doodler Anderson while the overbearing wife is conveniently dispatched by a phantom monster. Every horror anthology show from Twilight Zone to American Horror Story usually targets someone who wants something - more time to read, a stopwatch that freezes time, deliverance from an awful wife - and punishes them for resorting to supernatural means to get it (there's even a reference to Anderson's monsters 'popping in from the Twilight Zone').

Shouldn't Anderson be the one punished, for drawing monsters that specifically attack people he doesn't like? He doesn't realize it at first, but once he does he's happy to let Camp be attacked by the hulking pink monstrosity of herself that he's created. (And not to harp on it, but he does take the first opportunity to cheat on his wife, even if she's pushed him to it with her nagging and presumably baseless accusations.)

He gets let off the hook since the monsters don't actually harm any innocent party, only a giggling, gum-chewing, flannel-wearing, pony-tailed, hillbilly would-be rapist in a laundromat who gets his head chewed off and Camp, who pulls a gun and threatens murder before being devoured by her demon doppleganger. See she's not just a bitch, she's a potential murderer! And considering she supplied the creature-conjuring potency pills in the first place and provokes her killer by spewing insults at it, she practically sets in motion her own destruction as many a damned Crypt character. It's all a little too beneficial to the episode's eponymous artist - Korman's only real "kalamity" is a horrible woman he just wants to be rid of, which his talent for creating horror comics takes care of for him!

None of this would probably have occurred to me had the episode not painted such an unflattering portrait of the "Tales from the Crypt" office (which does appear to have a spectacular view) through two skeezy editors, one of them even ponytailed like the rapist later in the episode. If Anderson's horror art profession (derided by Camp) is so pure that it becomes a magical conduit that will solve his problems, why are he and his bosses only interested in leering at busty secretaries and coming up with the most hideous ideas imaginable for the comic? (One pitch about a rabid dog with foam drawn into the margins of the panels actually sounds awesome, I wonder if that's a real EC comic?) That said, the creature work on this episode is top notch; I don't mention enough the high profile Crypt special effects team that worked on Star Trek movies, Alien movies, Starship Troopers, Jurassic Park, and are still working on big Hollywood projects.(The faux-Crypt covers are also dynamite.)

So were the final 2 minutes worth the wait? Not really - I'd pretty much guessed the rest upon first viewing, and anticipating it only made it feel somewhat abrupt. The highlight was the Crypt Keeper inquiring (to late-30's me but speaking directly to 13-year-old me) whether the ending was too GRAPHIC. B.

Notes:

- Yes, this episode is based on a story from the EC comic titled Tales from the Crypt.

- A quick Google search unearthed nothing about an EC comic starring a rabid dog, so the whole "foam around the panels" concept must have come from episode scriber Terry Black, writer of Season 1's "Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone." He'll be back behind the pen mid-Season 3. I'd be curious to ask him whether the two Crypt editors are meant to be modernized versions of the Gaines boys, or thinly veined send-ups of two of the hot shot producers of the TV show (Hill and Giler?)

- Hey, remember Cynthia Gibb? She got raped & murdered in Salvador, was wooed by Rob Lowe as Ed Lauter's daughter in Youngblood, portrayed Karen Carpenter in the non-Todd Haynes Karen Carpenter Story, replaced Ally Sheedy in Short Circuit 2? Anyway she appears here, a carryover from Herrington's effective horror film Jack's Back (which was almost certainly responsible for getting Rowdy this gig, his only TV project - I doubt it was serving as best boy on A Nightmare on Elm Street) as the plucky female cop. Her performance is efficient but unremarkable: in her late 20's at the time, she seems like a teenager playing an adult.

- DP Shelly Johnson would springboard from shooting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze to Joe Johnston's Jurassic Park III, The Wolfman and Captain America: The First Avenger. But before those prestigous jobs, he was behind camera for the infamous Mick Garris/Stephen King Shining mini-series.

Season 2, Episode 14: "Lower Berth"
Director: Kevin Yagher
Original air date: July 3, 1990

We're back at the carnival for the first time since "Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone", only this time the tone is darker and flamboyantly-dressed barker Robert Wuhl has been replaced by the head of the Arquette family in a patchwork suit. His tattered duds and the burnt umber look of the episode (care of Tales from the Darkside vet Robert Draper, this being the first of 7 Crypt episodes he'd shoot before moving on to Dr. Giggles) suggest this godforsaken grind show is placed somewhere deep in the Great Depression: hard times have fallen on everyone (the crumbling carnival's only legit attraction appears to be a single kangaroo) and there's exploitation from top to bottom. Arquette's owner abuses wretched freak show manager Mr. Sickles, who in turn takes it out on his star attraction, the hunchbacked, two-faced Enoch. ("As long as you own him, I own you!") So in stark contrast to the last episode, this isn't a fun-time-for-all affair, but rather a kind of miserable and depressing yarn set largely inside the cage of a poor, mistreated young man (who's dying on top of everything else) yearning for love and freedom.

Which isn't to say it's not a well-made miserable and depressing yarn. Makeup artist Kevin Yagher, designer of the Chucky doll, veteran of the Elm Street series and creator of the Crypt Keeper puppet (his iMDB page also claims he directed all of the show's wraparounds and several promotional spots, "one of which earned him an Emmy in 1992," although I'm too lazy to verify this),¹ adds a touch of empathy that makes you understand where the characters are coming from, even if you're not on their side. The first appearance of Enoch, gazing out of a tent with the middle of his four eyes visible, is a particularly nice directorial touch. The production value of the episode is high: regular series production designer Lee Randolph had worked as set designer/art director on several Donner and Zemeckis productions, also some 2006 TV movie called Southern Comfort that has nothing to do with Walter Hill's excellent film. And it's not all doom and gloom thanks to a cheeky turn by Mark Rolston as shady dealer Dr. Zachary Cling, who sells Sickles on the idea of exhibiting Myrna the Egyptian Slave Girl in his freak show, but warns him that whoever steals the necklace from around her neck will be 'rendered' ("Whoever steals the family jewels... loses theirs!") Enoch falls in love with the petrified Myrna and you can guess where it goes from there.

Or maybe you can't (*spoiler* paragraph). The Crypt Keeper threatens a baby doll with a hammer and subtitles the episode "a tale from the crib" but there's no indication throughout the episode that this introduction and its pun of a title will pay off. Finally we learn that, after Sickles is indeed rendered, Myrna comes to life and runs off with Enoch, they're blessed with a hideous baby Crypt Keeper. So... C.K. is a mummy/two-faced human hybrid? (I thought he was a corpse? Is he the corpse of a mummy/two-faced human hybrid?) It makes sense that Yagher, who gave 'birth' to the Crypt Keeper, was tapped to helm this episode, although I'm not sure we needed a TFTC origin story.

The payoff is weirdly drawn out at the expense of the overall pacing. Also I like the title, but writer Fred Dekker insists on adding it awkwardly to the dialogue for no good reason. Setting aside that the 'twist' exists for its own sake, it just feels weird placed on the end of this episode. It's interesting to have "Berth" come after "Korman's Kalamity," a silly episode with nothing but fun on its mind from beginning to end. "Berth" is a very somber episode, especially for a carnival-set story about a mummy's curse. Isolation, exploitation, cruelty, misery... not even the castration of the ostensible villain (who, like Colleen Camp in "Kalamity", conveniently turns to murder at the last minute to place himself beyond redemption) removes the bad taste left by the events leading up to it. Which would be fine - except that the thing ends on an incredibly goofy stinger that undermines the entire presentation. Once you realize what the point of it all was, there doesn't seem to have been much of a point. C+.

Notes:

- Enoch is played by Jeff Yagher, who was on V and played the Elvis-style singer in Shag (he also played Elvis in an 80's Twilight Zone episode). He's also the brother of Kevin Yagher, who had previously worked special effects for Freddy's Nightmares, on which Jeff appeared.

- Kevin Yagher would return to the Crypt in 1996, his company taking care of makeup effects for second theatrical feature Bordello of Blood.

- Fred Dekker returns for his fourth Crypt assignment. His upcoming fifth and final script is also his best.

Season 2, Episode 15: "Mute Witness to Murder"
Director: Jim Simpson
Original air date: July 10, 1990

Crypt goes Rear Window in the first act of this episode, in which Patricia Clarkson looks absent-mindedly into an apartment across the way just in time to see her tuxedoed neighbor brutally murdering his wife in the middle of a heated argument. The shock renders her mute, leaving her husband unsure what the fuck could of happened after leaving her on their balcony for all of 2 minutes. Luckily he remembers their neighbor is a doctor - much to Clarkson's silent dismay, the man she just observed beating a woman to death is brought over to treat her. Immediately assessing the situation for what it is (he doesn't even seem to be annoyed that he's been called away from disposing of his wife's body to tend to some stranger who lives in the same building), the doctor orders Clarkson brought to his sanitarium, "the last grevious stop of the irretrievably insane," where he can be assured she'll remain mum about his spousal dispatchment.

This section of the episode has a great nightmare feel: everything's going fine as a costume party hosted by Clarkson and her husband is winding down (turns out it's their anniversary, not Halloween?) when suddenly she becomes an eye witness to a horrific murder, finds herself incapable of communicating what she saw to her husband, and - against all logic - is placed under the power of the killer, who subdues her with a ridiculously large syringe. The casting of Richard Thomas as the evil doctor two episodes after featuring Harry Anderson made me wonder if they picked up all the actors from the It miniseries for this season. (It premiered in November of the same year.) Thomas's lascivious creepiness and deep voice that doesn't quite match his gaunt frame and greasy mane (he's like Brad Dourif with Paul Dooley's voice) lend extra malice to lines like, "You may unclench your nervous knees - I have no interest in defiling you! We try to keep that sort of thing to a minimum here at Long Hill." Once he's got Clarkson alone in a padded room (aided by Rose Weaver as a nurse who doesn't fucking blink), you're right there with her - desperate to get out and get away from this sick bastard.

Unfortunately the episode drops the ball - hard. Every effective scene in the first half is through Clarkson's POV, with the exception of Thomas watching her through a tower of hazy blue TV monitors (very Sliver-like, i.e. very 90's), allowing the audience to remain engaged in this nightmare scenario. But then we cut to a standard scene with the husband expressing his concerns about Clarkson to his sister. Noooooo! It feels like the director cut out a scene from the terminally boring "The Sacrifice" and spliced it into his episode: what was he thinking?? Once the spell is broken they can't get it back, so despite the husband getting a William Peterson in Manhunter looking-out-a-rainy-window-leading-to-resolve moment there's no reason to watch the rest of the episode. Its reliance on the terrifying illogic of a bad dream is shattered, so much that I actually had trouble buying into the ridiculous ending, something that wouldn't even be a concern in a good Crypt episode. Suddenly Thomas, whose presence has been so compelling, seems like a TV actor who can't carry the episode. Clarkson's character, with whom we've commiserated, doesn't seem worth caring about anymore. It all just falls apart.

Having fallen out of the story, I started getting antsy and bothered by the production design. On the one hand, there's a really funny portrait of the doctor and his wife in the background of their apartment as he beats her to death (it's even better than the wedding picture of Anderson and Camp from "Korman's Kalamity"). That kind of thing really works for this show. But then when she's trapped in the asylum, there's a creepy shower scene that takes place in a - closet? Just some bare room? It's hard to explain other than to call it the least scary place to set a scene of a lecherous doctor whispering to his exposed and vulnerable mute patient. Lee Randolph, whose work on "Lower Berth" I praised, is the designer for this episode as well (in fact, all three reviewed here) so it's strange that this one comes up short. Would it have looked better if the plot had remained engaging? I'm thinking it very well might have.

The Crypt Keeper, dressed up like a surgeon, has a nice bit about being scared that his heart had started beating again. (See, he's a corpse!) However his next line about how "curiosity killed the cat" is lazily connected to Clarkson wearing a cat costume in first scene for some reason. So like the episode, the intro starts off strong but then bellyflops. C-.

Notes:

- Another strike against the episode is that the title reminded me of the underrated 1995 thriller Mute Witness, which very much stays in its voiceless female lead's point-of-view throughout. A promising debut from director-producer-writer Anthony Waller, whose career took a nosedive after a much-derided semi-sequel to An American Werewolf in London. (But looking him up now, he directed Everett De Roche's last screenplay, Nine Miles Down, in 2009 - I might have to check that one out.)

- Jim Simpson (who friends must be tempted to refer to as "Jimpson") directed one more thing after this, a 2002 9/11 drama called The Guys starring his wife Sigourney Weaver. Apparently he's best known as a well-respected avant garde theater guy (The Guys originated as a play with his company), but he'll be best remembered by movie fans as assistant director of Event Horizon and Spice World. (And as the lucky dude who's been married to Sigourney Weaver for 34 years.)

- The murdered wife is played by Diane Peterson, a stuntwoman who's worked on such awesome movies as The Sentinel, Airplane!, The Hidden, Action Jackson, The Naked Gun and The Long Riders (directed by Crypt producer Walter Hill). She also had small parts in Out for Justice and Candyman. She seemed to go out big with Titanic, yet resurfaced years later to perform driving stunts on The Green Hornet.

- One credit that made me do a double take was that of comedic playwright Christopher Durang, as the brother-in-law wearing an escaped convict costume in the first scene. But his iMDB page reveals that he's popped up in small parts in many a movie, including Penn & Teller Get Killed, The Cowboy Way and Joe's Apartment. His writing hasn't been well-represented in Hollywood - his play Beyond Therapy being one of the least-loved efforts by Robert Altman.

- I checked to see which other It mini-series cast members ended up on Tales from the Crypt. Tim Curry is in the episode "Death of Some Salesman" and starred in Ritual, the third TFTC movie, but most of the other cast members weren't utilized. Dennis Christopher was on the horror anthology Monsters in 1991 and Seth Green did a Tales from the Darkside, but no Crypt adventures for them or for Tim Reid, Annette O'Toole, Richard Masur (who was in the horror anthology movie Nightmares in 1983) or any of the other kids. Even weirder, Tommy Lee Wallace never directed an episode - you'd think he'd be a shoe-in for the job.

But get this: John Ritter took part in an 8-episode radio series (!) based on Tales from the Crypt that debuted in 2000. He played a sheriff in an episode called "By the Fright of the Silvery Moon." Other people you would have thought had appeared on the TV show - Oliver Platt, Keith David, Campbell Scott - also lent their vocals to this experiment. Remember when I was complaining that Gina Gershon never got a Crypt episode? She stars in the first radio episode, "Island of Death"! Now Gina Gershon is a multi-talented performer and I'm sure her vocal talents are just as compelling as her visual ones, but I don't for the life of me know why anybody would want to hire Gershon for a role where you can't see her at the same time. Just my opinion. (Ritter too, always a very handsome fellow.)

I'd never heard of this, but now I'm intrigued: if I ever get through reviewing the series I'll obviously make it my business get around to the radio show. And the irony of finding out about this audio-only version of Crypt because of an episode about a lead character who can't speak should be lost on absolutely no one.