by paul cooney

Get ready to feel old everybody: The Fast and the Furious, the movie that made Vin Diesel an icon to gearheads everywhere and paved the way for a hugely successful franchise (which proved it can still pull 'em in fast and furious this summer of 2011), was released 10 summers ago. A decade of Diesel! It seems unbelievable. Even more unbelievable is that Paul Cooney, licensed lover of the pulchritudinous Paul Walker, could only attest to having seen one out of five Fast and Furious films as of the release of Fast Five! As a tribute to the Paul Walker pentology, I convinced him to see all five movies and share his thoughts with us. Take it away, Paul - vrooooooooooooooooooooooooom! -- john


Tokyo is known for 3 things: Godzilla, drifting, and Hello Kitty. I would stack that triumvirate against anything outside of pornography and pizza. Paris has a tower, crepes, and rude beret wearing foofs. Chicago has slaughterhouses, mobsters, and fat. Rio De Janeiro has beaches, bikinis and violence...which of course makes it a close second to Tokyo and a logical choice for the 5th installment of the series, but for the 3rd entry in this egregiously stupid car movie colossus the fucktards behind this ridiculous cavalcade took us to the Orient and gave us Lucas Black and Natalie Kelley.

Well honk my hooter, these morons managed to get something right!

While I would have loved even a cameo appearance by Godzilla and maybe a frenetic car race and calamitous crash inside the gigantic Hello Kitty factory itself, there really isn't a single flaw in this magnificent movie except maybe that it ends, cuz gosh darn it I would have followed the magnetic pair of Black and Nat around the globe forever! Drifting in Red Square? Count me in, comrade! Racing in Rio? I'll see you at Ipanema! Tell Adriana to bring the caipirinhas!

This beaut begins in some run-of-the-mill high school when some generic blonde tart spies the smoldering Lucas Black and can't resist flirting with him even though she is dating one of the guys from Home Improvement. Not the adorable tan twinkish one or the dorky one who fled to the south seas with his tutor - the other, bigger one, Zach Ty Bryan. Z-Ty immediately takes umbrage with his ho and starts a beef with Black, spouting some spoiled brat nonsense about how awesome the car his daddy bought for him is.

Lucas counters with a quip about him being able to read a brochure and it is absolutely devastating. He may have a southern drawl but this is no inbred retard who is going to drool for 90 minutes and pluck his banjo. This wildcat is not to be trifled with!

They get set to race but a rich kid like Zacchy Ty has no interest in the beater shitbox a dumb redneck hick like Lucky Luke drives so he balks at the usual terms of pinkslips. That's when his blonde babycakes steps in with a pragmatic solution, offering something else to the winner that is also pink and slippery...her coos!

I like this chick's style. Z Ty instantly agrees to the wager instead of sensibly dumping this amoral wench...I mean I just don't see how you sustain a relationship with this young lady even if you are to win the race, she clearly is not committed to you and her coquettish shenanigans are just going to get you into trouble in the long run.

But he's a passionate young man and doesn't want to back down to Black's challenge and so we are treated to a race! These upstanding high schoolers at least have the decency to hold their race on an unpopulated construction site, and not on bustling city streets like those uncaring assholes Diesel, Walker, Tyrese etc. Even reckless teens have more sense than those mongoloids! Kudos kids, kudos.

The race is kicked off by a lovely young chick who removes her bra and uses it as a starter's flag. That's how you do it! Much better than the first two movies which really sucked if you haven't been keeping up, and you sure as fuck should be.

In one of the more astonishing developments in the history of movies we are jolted once the race begins by the shocking sight of Lucas Black driving....he kind of sucks! This is a real surprise cuz you're thinking, "Oh he's the poor badass who is going to show this shithead rich kid how it's done. What he lacks in engine and pedigree he makes up for in skill and swagger."

Wrong! Sure he has the swagger, but his racing leaves a shit ton to be desired...after he plows through a half built house he pulls alongside Zach Ty and the blonde and even winks at her in an impish gesture of immense charm and audacity. He's like a World War I flying ace! Such elan! Such dash! Such a likelihood he's going to wind up dead in a fiery blaze of glory!

Zach Ty once again takes umbrage at this white trash upstart's flirtations and smashes daddy's car into him. Subsequently both autos wipe out in rather fantastic wrecks and...hello what's this? All three are injured? Wait a minute...from what I saw in the first two movies when you crashed your car you walked away unscathed! You mean those first two flicks were poorly made pieces of shit? I'm aghast!

Black remains dashing even with his face all fucked up and he winks and smiles a toothless smile at blondie in the hoosegow waiting room. You can't keep that spirit down! What's the male equivalent of moxie? Spunk? Brass balls? Brass balls overloaded with spunk? That sounds gross...let's go with Cheliosity, in honor of Crank's own Chev Chelios.

The stupid punk ass cops who are probably just taking time off from hassling bad ass undercover officers with procedural bullshit and bureaucracy to act like big shots around kids show the security footage of the wreck to Black and he replies with some delicious insouciance, "Can I get a copy of that?"

Omg! It's like a young Jason Statham has taken up root in some godforsaken southern part of this country. Suck it copper! I know I'm awesome, and you'll be eating pork rinds and chasing moonshine runners and methheads while I'm off in distant lands winning races and breaking hearts.

Ken and Barbie are set free cuz rich daddy's got connections, but Lucas Black's hootchie bar fly wannabe cougar mom is powerless to help her wayward son and is forced to ship him off to Tokyo! America's loss is Nippon's gain and soon Black is a knockin on his poppa's humble abode, only to be greeted by an embarrassed little geisha Black Sr. was banging on the side! Now we know where Lucas gets that rascal side of him from! The Japanese lovely doesn't even say hi but runs off into the night. No love for your son-in-law mama-san? Why are you scurrying away in such a hurry?

Black shacks up with his annoying military strict dad and discovers he's stuck in a tiny bedroom with an annoying neighbor. Boo hiss! No sweet and kinky chick next door for him to spy on? Does he have an uncle in Cambodia by any chance?

Things take a turn for the better when he arrives at school the next day and is seated near the absolutely lovely Natalie Kelley. Caramba! I would withstand eating a few fish heads and wearing goofy shoes to be able to study anatomy with her. She is nice and tawny and even has some sort of accent. Is it Aussie? She's more adorable than a koala bear watching kittens play with penguins!

Sadly we are only given a quick taste of her beauty before being whisked to the cafeteria where lil' Bow Wow makes his usual unpleasant appearance, attempting to sucker Lucas into buying some crap no one needs. Am I in high school or at a swap meet? Go peddle your wares at the flea market, you midget!

In lil' Bow Wow's defense he goes the whole movie without saying "brah" and proves to be a reliable friend!

The little one invites Lucky Luke to some after school car gawking/racing party type scene and that's where we see Nat again, wearing some rather odd and fetching high socks that are just super. There are other assorted hootchies about and some badass ninja wannabe named DK who keeps Kelley as a concubine of some sort. Naturally enough he sees the alpha male Black and instantly recognizes a threat and starts in on the whole "I'm awesome/you suck" routine. It's the classic Roy Stalin/Lane Meyer jammystain perfected in Better Off Dead, only this time on the mean streets of Japan instead of the ski slopes of wherever the fuck that movie was set.

Black handled Z-Ty, so sure as shit he thinks he can handle some Toshiro Mifune wannabe and calls DK's gangsta ass "Justin Timberlake."

Now maybe it was the time zone difference or the jet lag or being stunned by just how fantastic looking Natalie Kelley is, but I think he meant that as an insult. That is a rather odd insult. Justin Timberlake? JT? The quadruple threat? I'm surprised DK didn't turn around and say, "Really? Wow. Thanks strange white dude. I mean, I know physically I don't resemble him, but do you really see a likeness in the way I move or carry myself? Cuz I think he's really got a lot of style and talent and has remained humble and affable despite his superstardom. Why don't we go get some Kirins and talk music for a little bit?"

But instead DK takes umbrage (maybe he's New Kids all the way) and soon enough they're all set to race!

Once again, this isn't some ridiculously reckless and life-threatening, Diesel-engineered, "screw men, women and children on public roads, I have to prove what a big man I am by endangering the lives of innocent pople by speeding and driving like an asshole among average law abiding citizens," but instead a private race in an enclosed space! Good for you, drifters!

Unfortunately for Black he can't rely on sheer audacity and an utter disregard for half built houses to win...he has to drift. I mean this ignorant cracker doesn't even know what DK stands for! "Donkey Kong?" he asks so innocently.

Drift King, asshole! You just challenged the best fucking drifter in Tokyo to drift! It's like challenging Alexis Love to a cocksucking contest! It's like Patrick Swayze said in Red Dawn: "You lose." You don't even got a fucking car! Come to think of it, Black is a little too big for his britches...confidence is great an all but you got to be a little smarter than that.

It's apparent at this point that not only do the Japanese make better cars than we do, but their car related films are superior too. Even their style of racing is superior. In the first two Fast and Furiously stupid atrocities, I had to sit through I watched supposedly great drivers step on the gas and then press the NOS button. Wow. Amazing! Your foot and thumb works! A monkey could literally do that so I'm not all that impressed when a galoot like Diesel makes the big steel machine go vroom vroom.

In Japan, you actually have to have some skill with steering and shifting and drifting which explains why Lucas Black is so horrible at it and crashes Han's car. You can't just step on the gas in this country, hotshot! That shit might play in LA or whatever Mississippi backwater you're from, but in Tokyo you need talent!

Han, who is surrounded by some rather disappointing skanks, forces Black to repay him for the destroyed car by becoming his adorable white errand boy, and what results is a comical encounter in a bathhouse in which Lucas is forced to ask a yakuza sumo for some yen. Does his impertinence result in rape? No no, instead we get hijinx and Black is tossed out to the curb like so much redneck trash and Han collects his do re mi with a chuckle.

Black is Han's man now, required to answer his call even if he's "sick as a dog or in bed with Beyonce." Hello what's this? Is that a possibility? That would be a rather fantastic cameo, and even though Han's a solid guy I would tell him and his budding criminal enterprise to suck it if I had Beyonce in a half open kimono next to me. Omg Beyonce, please don't go Aretha, Mariah, Whitney on us...stay beautiful girl!

Lucas runs into Nat outside a pachinko parlor and puts the moves on that undoubtedly worked like a charm among the trashy sluts he used to pick up at the Dairy Queen or Piggly Wiggly parking lots he used to cruise. On a cosmopolitan high class dame like Kelley though those moves are useless and she shoots his crew-cutted ass down with an "0 for 1 cowboy" comeback that leaves him stunned. This ain't no trailer park ho that will blow you in exchange for a smile and a Big Gulp, hotshot!

She's wearing rather fantastic boots in the scene as doubt half the businessmen in Tokyo are going home in crowded subways lusting after that exotic gai jin chick with the knee high leather booties with fur trim.

Han asks Black why doesn't he find a nice Japanese girl like all the other white 'bout cuz when you see the Taj Mahal, the Motel Sixes of the world don't cut it no more! Shut up, Han! Don't quibble with Black's beautiful dream! When you see the Grand Canyon, you don't skip it to look at some ditch in Reno! Wake up and smell how awesome she is, fuckface!

When Han is asked why he's hanging around a some gai jin cracker buster like Lucas he replies that our man Black is DK's kryptonite. You're a wily one after all, Han. Let DK scratch at that Black induced itch and you can keep your scheming going without his interference! I like your style. Speaking of kryptonite, is there any way you can get Kristin Kreuk involved in your criminal enterprises? She has street fighting experience and can handle all sorts of space rocks with aplomb.

I digress...Han lends Black some wheels and Lucas is sensible enough at least to fasten his seat belt, a simple act that was all too overlooked in the first two flicks. Safety first, bitches! Han also teaches Lucas all types of mystical oriental shit. "The nail that sticks out gets hammered."


Oh snap - that is mad deep yo! Han's tellin' Lucky Luke that when you're dreamy and obviously superior, little petty people who lack looks and charm are going to be out to knock you down to their pathetic level. So you have to drift!

Black is having a grand old time in Japan despite his run-ins with sumo and yakuza. He has a compadre in Han, a fantastically beautiful girl to gaze at in Nat, and a little buddy named Bow Wow, who some mean Asian boy is beating up one day before Lucas steps in to save the day, sacrificing his MP3 in the process! You blew it, America! This kid is a keeper! Sure he liked to rampage through housing developments and wasn't much for book learnin' but we could have used his verve to deal with those bureaucrats in Washington and maybe solve our problems at the UN.

Han drops some more science on Lucky Luke: "Who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are." He sounds like such a sensitive and insightful young man...why does he spend most of his time hanging around garages with a bunch of losers who drive neon cars and commit petty crimes? Han, you're wasting your talents! And since you hang around Vin Diesel in other movies well,...that doesn't speak highly of who you are! I mean it's perfectly fine to slum around with ladies of ill repute, but you really shouldn't be associating with classless thugs like the "star" of XXX.

Lucas is especially impressed when Han shows him the secret drifting mating ritual, spinning his car in circles around a couple of Asian hootchies until one of them slips a piece of paper inviting our two boys to a panty party atop Mount Fuji. Han politely declines with a wink cuz the dudes in these movies love playing with gearshifts more than boobies.

Black finally gets to race after some drifting tutelage and beats DK's scrawny lackey. Things are really looking up for our boy Black! They even play some Shonen Knife and Lucky Luke goes on a date with Nat in which they take a lovely moonlight ride in the mountains and she shows him her drifting abilities.(Completely non-sexual, you scum. She is pure like uncut coke, and provides a sweeter high as well.)

DK of course doesn't appreciate his mixed-raced lovely prancing about in her fancy boots with the gai jin jerkoff and shows up at the wharf to kick Black's ass! Which he does! Han and the crew stand around watching and inexplicably Lucas doesn't return fire. Was he afraid DK knew some crazy karate/akido moves?

Although watching Lucas take some punches and spit blood was harrowing, the horror of that image was leavened with the winsome spectacle of Bow Wow getting spat on by scrawny lackey. Haha! Took your MP3 and now you wear his spit! What's the Japanese word for bitch? You is it lil' Bow Wow! Woof woof!

Maybe Black takes his own beatdown like a gentleman cause he knows squiring around Nat is worth a ruptured vertebrae or two...or has Han been dropping some hippie passive resistance nonsense in his noggin offscreen?

Nat doesn't take kindly to her gringo boytoy getting his pretty/rugged face all messed up, so she goes to DK and drops the "I don't care if your mob family took me in when my mother left me orphaned. You've changed and I'm into white dudes now."

He reminds her again her mom was a whore in Kabukicho. Oooooo, uncalled for DK! Don't you dare! You want to tussle with Lucas that's all fine and dandy but don't you dare make her cry! Omg those tawny cheeks...hold on I have to compose myself...

Where was I? This is one sexy movie. After getting dumped by the loveliest girl in the orient, DK suffers a further indignity when his impeccably dressed yakuza uncle drops by and says, "Hey dickface! Your friend Han has been ripping us off! Yeah, he likes to drop his pseudo mystical bullshit but he's a punk ass who pals around with d-bags like Vin Diesel. Regulate him!"

Now DK is crying cuz he's brought much shame to the family and promptly goes bananas, raiding the Han playground and causing our heroes to scatter all over downtown Tokyo. We lose the scrawny lackey in a head-on crash and then Han the philosopher is killed in a fiery wreck. What the-? You mean people die in car accidents? You mean Diesel and Walker and the rest of those assholes have likely killed countless innocents? Fucking tards.

It was kind of worth it though cuz beforehand we got to see a really cool slo-mo drift shot through an awesomely crowded Tokyo street.

Black and Nat find solace in a quiet subway ride and Kelley looks so nice sitting there looking sadly beautiful and wearing some rather chic things.

Will they take the train to the sea and then hop ship for a night sail to quieter shores? Maybe shack up in a bungalow in Tahiti? Make beautiful mixed-race babies in a quiet hamlet in the Phillippines?

No chance! DK tracks them down and absconds with Nat at gunpoint. Worst villain ever! Don't bruise her flawless skin, you monster! Her hymen! Don't you dare! I can't even bear to think of it...

Black's daddy comes out with a gun and saves Lucas from being shot, although he can't prevent DK from making a really cutting remark about how Black needs his dear old daddykins to save his honky ass.

Shit is gettin really real now and Black is forced to turn to Bow Wow for help. The little one comes through with a sack full o' cash and it's a real embarrassing moment for Lucas to have to enlist the help of such an annoying person. He regains some dignity when he refers to Bow Wow as "twink." (True!)

Black takes the sack and braves the street reserved only for yakuza and the sluts who serve them. They let him pass cuz he's obviously a badass and no t-shirt can truly contain those pecs. After a pat down in which the thug seemed to let his fingers linger a little too long over certain areas of Black's body, Lucas is allowed to approach the most revered uncle yakuza man, whose name escapes me. Nat looks on wearing an amazing red dress.

Quite frankly I don't know how those Japanese mob fellows could concentrate on their various nefarious plots and plans with the scintillating Miss Kelley lounging around looking so fantastic. I'd just sip on sake and leer at her...oh so we're losing our gaming rackets in Osaka because of my pining? The brothels in Yokohama going bankrupt cuz I'm too busy worshiping her tawny perfection to properly manage the whores? She's worth it! Pass me another rice wine and shut the fuck up!

Yakuza uncle is very sensible and agrees to let the wayward boys race. Two teens enter, one has to get the fuck outta Tokyo when the race is over! Are we heading to the best ending in movie history? Well I have my doubts we're going to see a cumshot, but second place really isn't that bad.

Black and his merry crew of car nerds spruce up his dad's badass Mustang, a real car at least and not like those toy Nissans those shitheads Diesel, Tyrese and Walker seemed so found of "racing" in the other, lesser, installments.

Once the yakuza dude missing a few fingers starts the race the suspense ends, cuz we know there is no way our man Black loses to a broken down chump like DK, who was a meanie!!!! To Nat!!!! You're going to lose, you big stupid jerk! You overgel your hair as well! A-hole!

He even tries to typical of DK. You know Nat liked you when you were you! You used to be a nice guy. Sure you were kind of a bad boy and had that air of mystery and menace about you, but deep down you were an adorable little Chococat, and not some kamikaze thugh. You're losing it all, hotshot! No Han, no Nat, no yakuza uncle, not a single luxury! You're going to wind up like Robinson Crusoe, except with less hair cuz you're Asian.

Black wins the race of course and Nat is there to greet him, her smile and wondrous looks more valuable than any gold medal or whatever prize those idiots who waste gas at Nascar events give out.

Yakuza uncle gives a little chuckle and it is taken as a sign that he agrees to the deal. Maybe Andy Garcia and Michael Douglas should show up to wipe that smile off his smug fucking face! Honda is hiring, jerkoff! Why don't you earn an honest living? We're not impressed with your life of crime! Fear is not respect, dumbass!

The magnificent film is almost spoiled at the finish when the odious Vin Diesel makes a cameo, muttering some guttural noise about how he used to know Han and tried to molest him with his muscles. It's like he was raised by Sylvester Stallone and Tarzan, and they were both drunk on fermented banana juice when they read him nursery rhymes in treetops.

Thankfully the director has sense enough to have the movie close with Kelley, wearing great boots yet again and yelling, "Go!"

Go forth and tell the people how fucking awesome you are? Done and done! I heart you!





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