by paul cooney

Get ready to feel old everybody: The Fast and the Furious, the movie that made Vin Diesel an icon to gearheads everywhere and paved the way for a hugely successful franchise (which proved it can still pull 'em in fast and furious this summer of 2011), was released 10 summers ago. A decade of Diesel! It seems unbelievable. Even more unbelievable is that Paul Cooney, licensed lover of the pulchritudinous Paul Walker, could only attest to having seen one out of five Fast and Furious films as of the release of Fast Five! As a tribute to the Paul Walker pentology, I convinced him to see all five movies and share his thoughts with us. Take it away, Paul - vrooooooooooooooooooooooooom! -- john


Tokyo Drift possessed a beauty without limit, and was one of the more fantastic spectacles ever gazed upon. I bet that genocidal moron Columbus himself wasn't as awed by what he thought was India as I was seeing Natalie Kelley in her boots and all that crazy drifting.

Thus I had great expectations that the fourth installment in the incredibly retarded car racing series would be almost as awesome, even withstanding the grotesque decision to abandon the awesome Lucas Black/Natalie Kelley combo and revert to the Diesel/M-Rod/Walker mess.

Justin Lin was the genius, wasn't he? The auteur who rescued the series from the immense stupidity of the first two films and made something fun and watchable? Wrong! He's a talentless douchebag who benefited from a great cast in Drift and proved himself to be as putrid as John Woo with rabies. Watching this terrible film made me feel like that impish Dickens' concoction Pip, bolting into the parlor and seeing wizened old Miss Havisham naked. Gross! Would that I could erase that grotesque spectacle from my memory forever!

This insipid crapfest begins in the Dominican Republic, with a collection of idiots attempting a high speed heist on a winding mountain road. Some dopey clown in a stupid hat makes an obvious point that there are easier targets...but he's inexplicably mocked. I hate everyone in this movie and any person who likes it should die.

The truck driver is happily cruising along while reading his newspaper and feeding his iguana. Hmm...I don't think he's going to win employee of the month that way...

Good god, this is genuinely one of the worst openings to any movie ever. It's just so fucking stupid the ushers should just save everyone two hours and right after buying a ticket the moviegoer should just be hit in the face with a fistful of shit and sent on their way. Thanks for coming! Napkins and baby wipes by the door on the way out!

There is some sort of freezing agent involved and throwing hooks and jumping on speeding trucks...there are easier ways to hijack/rob trucks, you fucking idiots! This makes absolutely zero sense! The carjacking has been invented and perfected. You need a fucking gun! That's it! You don't need acrobatics/chemicals/mulitiple cars with grappling hooks...jesus fucking christ how do these idiots live with themselves?

Through all of this the driver of the truck, who has already displayed a fantastic ability to multi-task, inexplicably never calls for help. You got an iguana and a newspaper but no phone or cb, you asshole? Also - he never stops! When did the breaks stop working, dickface? He actually grabs his iguana and jumps from the speeding truck (he lives of course...excuse me while I pantomime jerking my cock derisively) but never thinks, Oh shit I should stop this fucking thing!

Before abandoning ship he does manage to fire a few shots at Diesel...god that would have been so awesome. Is there a director's cut where this becomes a film short entitled "Driver Grande Huevos," about the heroic truck driver named Julio who, with only a pet iguana and a shotgun, manages to fend off a bunch of inept derelicts who tried to rob him, shooting Diesel in his ugly fucking face and running down M-Rod and the other morons a'la Gibson in Road Warrior?

So the heist is successful, but only after some really ludicrous nonsense and tough guy preening by the destitute man's Mr. Clean -Vin Diesel. No one actually likes this movie do they? If this was Wages of Fear I'd root for them all to die 10 seconds in.

But the highway pirates are happy with their haul of...gasoline. Huh? They stole gas? Risked death and jail for gas? These may be the dumbest crooks alive. Why are they following Diesel anyway? His choice of targets and planning skills are terrible! He is no George Peppard!

The gang decides to split up cuz as someone says, "The heat's on." Really? I wonder why. Not like you shitheads are conspicuous or anything. Han breaks the news that he's heading to Tokyo! No Han no! Watch out for DK! (How did a smooth cat like Han wind up playing 3rd fiddle to a fucking tool like Diesel?)

Back in L.A., Paul Walker has at least abandoned his signature 12-year-old skate punk look that really was a little unbecoming for an undercover FBI agent who was not in fact infiltrating a ring of little boys on skateboards. He's wearing a suit and chasing some dude cuz he wants info on how to get inside this drug running cartel's operation.

It sucks of course and what happened to his beautiful dream of opening an auto body shop in Miami with his boytoy Tyrese? Did they break up? Have a tiff over who had to ride shotgun in one of their purple shitboxes?

Whatever... we move to Panama where Diesel is scraping by in some shithole town. Crime is really paying off! Why don't you just earn an honest living being a mechanic, you dick?

Finally a bright spot emerges in this horrible film...Michelle Rodriguez is dead. Fantastic. I really can't stand her. I mean sure she's unattractive, abrasive, more masculine than Walker and generally unappealing...but aside from that she sucks.

So Walker is now involved in the drug war...this bumbling moron really gets around...street racing in LA...drug kingpin in Miami...back to LA for more drugs. Even when this idiot is on the right side of the law he's spinning his wheels. The drug war is a failure! Palin 2012!

In another bright spot some Margaret Yang wannabe is Walker's desk jockey fed cohort...Jason Schwartzman is going to be jelly!!!

Diesel returns from exile to examine the crash site that claimed the love of his life...who left him in Panama without telling him why...what's that? I shouldn't ask for this shitty shitty movie to make even the barest sense?

He can tell that the "burn marks can only be caused by nitro meth"...hmm that's very impressive for a gorilla with a 6th grade education. What episode of Dora the Explorer covered crime scene forensics, you fucking jackass.

She was taken out by a green Ford Torino! Holy shit, it's the punk kid from Clint's car flick! He's gone rogue now that Clint's in the ground! This is an interesting twist! Don't fuck with the Wongs!

Brewster reappears still looking too skinny and Walker shares coffee with her. She asks why he let Diesel go, cause even she can't figure it out cuz it makes absolutely no fucking sense. "I know he's my brother and all...but he is a felon, and he was a menace to society. Not just cuz of his stealing the property of hard working innocent people, but he endangered lives almost every day with his asinine passion for reckless driving on city streets. God, he's such a dick and I'm embarrassed to be related to him. He was also a real condescending tool to you. So...umm why did you do it?"

Walker, "I don't know."

3 movies later he still can't come up with a reason! It's love, Walker! That's the only explanation! You knew you wouldn't be able to rail his ass if he was stuck behind bars! Say it!

Diesel dangles some guy out a window...he's lucky he pulls this shit in a world without 911...Walker shows up and tries to calm King Kong down...that ain't Fay Wray you got there, hombre!

Diesel will have none of Walker's nonsense and says, "You weren't anyone's friend."

Oh no, shithead? He saved your ass from arrest, twice, and also rescued your scumbag friend from death, while risking his own career and life...and in exchange he received your condescension and likely horrendous body odor.

Diesel's on a mission to kill the drug dealer M-Rod was working for...well maybe you should have been in the States protecting her instead of dicking around in Panamaland, you clown!

Once again we get a cliched shot of law enforcement types bickering, but this one ups the stakes as Walker attacks an agent who is somehow smaller than he is! Meanie! Pick on someone your own size!

The higher ups pull them apart but assure Walker he won't be reprimanded for physically assaulting a fellow officer cause...I don't even remember it's just too fucking stupid for my brain to retain.

Incredibly the ridiculous plot device that was nonsensical in the 2nd flick is resurrected for the 4th. A drug dealer decides to hold auditions for the position of driver in his organization by having a little racing test! Now how the fuck does someone who possesses the foresight and executive prowess needed to rise to the head of a great criminal organization actually come up with something so stupid?

He wouldn't but the dick who wrote this script is a shithead.

Diesel shows up at the auditions and asks, "What are we hauling?"

Well Dr. Watson, considering you're working for a drug dealer you think it might be drugs, genius? And I haven't done a lot of work for crimelords but I think I know enough not to ask stupid fucking questions. "Hey fellas!!! What kind of crimes are you committing today? Dates? Places? I'm just ta di dum."

For some reason the drug dealers put up with some nobody who talks shit at them...and Brandon T. Jackson is supposed to be a tough guy. Good god, even the casting director of this movie is a moron.

They race! Diesel decides to drive on the wrong side of the road...speeding against oncoming traffic! This was the single most ludcicrous thing in the otherwise super Bourne movie, one of the first two, not that shitty repetitive third Bourne movie...I mean I bought most of Matty Too Hotty From Southy Damon's bad ass Bourne moves but I wasn't buying that high speed driving into oncoming cars. It's just fucking stupid and I'm not impressed.

Even the racing scenes in this movie suck and are senseless...Walker, who is supposed to be a good guy, endangers the lives of countless of innocent people with his reckless driving, and then Diesel finds himself  challenged by Brandon T. Jackson. What to do, Sasquatch? He speeds up! Wait a's a fucking race! Why weren't you already driving as fast as possible? God I hate this movie.

They finish the race and of course no cops show up cause when someone saw Diesel they called animal control instead of 911.

Incredibly enough a likeable character is introduced...some slick racing cat who is in the midst of a four way when the cops bust in and pull him away from his sluts. Noooo! Follow that guy! Let's see his story instead of this repulsive shitfest.

Alas we return to Diesel, who orders a Corona (boycott! I'm Dos Equis all the way now...I don't want the brain addling disease Diesel obviously has) and his Corona is served without a lime wedge! They can't even get that right! What bar serves Corona without fruit? I'll nitpick the shit out of this fucking movie you're goddamn right.

Finally the movie gives me something worth watching and we are treated to a hootchie going braless. Her nipples are a welcome diversion from the horrors I've been sitting through. Can it last? Oh god no...a Diesel soliloquy. If I were married to Charles Bronson in Death Wish he would kill this movie after what it's done to me.

Diesel mutters some guttural nonsense about a girl's eyes being able to see the good in someone...umm Vin? You're a convicted felon who consistently breaks the law and endangers innocent're addressing a girl who works for a drug lord and you're talking about another felon who died working for a drug lord. You're an asshole! Own it, you dick!

Diesel shoots the hot chick down cuz he's clearly in love with Walker. He later utters something about "only pussies run nitro meth." Huh? So what crimes do real men commit? Petty theft? Buggery?

Turns out the drug lord, in a bit of a shock for an arch criminal, kills the drivers he hires instead of paying them. Wowsers. This was dumb in the 2nd flick, and remains dumb now, but at least I like this character cause he killed M-Rod.

Diesel pulls some bullshit MacGruber-wannabe lighter NOS bomb trick that sux ass and subsequently gets no effect of course. Does this movie have a neck I could choke?

In exciting news for brain dead movie lovers Diesel and Walker are friends again! Yay! And it turns out there is 60 million in their cars...huh? Drug lords entrust 60 million bucks to strangers? Really? Why are you so stupid, movie? Why are you so fucking stupid?!

Brewster reappears to perform surgery on Diesel...umm doesn't she make shitty tuna sandwiches at a lame ass coffee shop? Oh, but she can perform surgery in the dark now too...ok that makes a lot of sense.

Finally after 5 years and 3 sequels Walker comes up with an explanation as to why he inexplicably let Diesel go at the end of the first movie...he respected him...cause he has a "code."

So did the Nazis! Don't think pretty boy! Look in a mirror Walker...ok..doing that? Great. See how pretty that face is? Uh huh. Nice eyes, good do you think baby jesus paired a brain with that too? Nooo...that's too much...nobody gets everything, except George Clooney of course...and Beyonce...

I digress. You are a fucking moron. Understand? You are fucking stupid. Don't think. Just look cute and shut the fuck up. He has a code! He steals and kills innocents, you dick!

Some lame ass "reveal" pops up...M-Rod was working for the Feds! Wow! How fucking stupid! Die movie die! She was working for Walker! Umm why didn't Walker just do the driving himself instead of M-Rod? Whatever.

A bunch of other plot holes pop up but I'm too busy stabbing the Diesel voodoo doll I have (petrified piece of horseshit with a gold chain around it swaddled in a wife beater) to ridicule them.

Another lame reveal...the drug kingpin is actually the dweeby lieutenant...and there is a fax involved...and it's so stupid...and so long...for the love of god, won't this movie end?

Walker is somehow blamed when a bunch of crooks escape the raid, even though it clearly wasn't his fault...god who cares...

He later fucks Brewster with Diesel mere feet away...trying to make him jealous you rascal?

Turncoat drug chick hootchie who likes to show off her nipples gives address to Diesel - "This will get you in" - her next sentence: "Going in is suicide." So you want him to die? I love this girl.

We're down south in Mexico way all of a sudden and drug lord is bribing a priest...he wants some altar boys?

Diesel just wants to kill the guy who killed M Rod, and Walker wants to bring the drug lord to justice and so they successfully kidnap the dude and then somehow his underlings figure out he's gone...and immediately deduce who did it...which makes zero sense. Also it doesn't really matter since Walker and Diesel:

a) Have awesome cars that the drug dealer loser crew can't match.

b) Are awesome drivers cuz they're awesome.

c) Have a head start.

Well there is no fucking way they're going to be caught since even if the drug gang knew who kidnapped their boss and where they were going...they have inferior cars and driving skills and gave Diesel and Walker a head start!

But because this movie is horrendous they somehow catch up. Huh? If these guys are such good drivers why the fuck would the drug lord need to lure unsuspecting strange drivers into working for him, and then murder them? Seems like a lot of risk when you have the talent in house! It makes no fucking sense!

They shoot machine guns (no effect), Diesel rams a truck (no effect...if you are entertained by this I hate you) and the drug lord sits in the passenger seat and laughs through all're either going to be shot or die in a crash...what the fuck are you laughing about?

Walker gets outdriven and there is some ridiculous scene in which Diesel jumps from one car to another inside a tunnel while both are doing about 90 MPH. It's horrible and I'd like to invite the screenwriter and director to kill themselves for creating it. Makes Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom rail car stunts look reasonable. Omg I could be watching Gattaca or Quest for Fire instead of this. Rae Dawn Chong! You make everyting better!!

Drug thug who outdrove Walker is making him his bitch but Diesel comes to the rescue and rams him to death...somehow avoiding hurting Walker who was physically attached to drug chump at the time. Those two idiots share a sentimental moment while the drug lord, who is unhurt and free, inexplicably does not drive off to freedom.

Diesel checks Walker's injuries and says, 'Just keep pressure there you'll be alright." Oh great! You must have gone to the same medical school as your sandwich making sister! both seem like fucking retards yet you know so much about first aid.  Are you sure I don't have internal bleeding? Your cursory glance told you all you needed to know about the severity of the injuries I suffered in this tremendous high speed crash? Eat it you asshole.

Sirens! Wtf! They're in the middle of the desert but here come the sirens...meanwhile these shitheads break a dozen laws in downtown LA and the not even a meter maid shows up.

Walker and Brewster ask the judge to show some leniency on Diesel, and not to send him to the zoo, claiming he helped arrest a drug dealer and wouldn't get along with the other gorillas since he's been living among people too long.

The judge says some shit about how embarrassing it is to even be in such a stupid fucking movie, and fuck everyone involved in making them.

And yes - there will be Fast 5. Fuck you very much.







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