THE FAST AND FURIOUS FILMS

by paul cooney

Prior to the release of Fast Five 2 summers past, I convinced the discriminating Paul Cooney to see all the previously-unseen Fast movies and share his thoughts with us. Mr. Cooney (who travels mostly by bus) took the series to task for its glorification of reckless carmanship, which seems all the more pertinent in light of Paul Walker's sadly ironic end last year. Paul has some thoughts on that, and other aspects of the vastly popular series, in this review of the fifth (but far from final) sequel to Rob Cohen's The Fast and the Furious. Take it away, Paul - vrooooooooooooooooooooooooom! -- john

    PART VI: FAST & FURIOUS 6 (2013)

Dear god I didn't watch Fast 6 did I? (is that even the title?) Well long ago, when I dedicated my life to two things, beauty and justice, I vowed to watch every film the modern day Peter O' Toole, Mr. Paul Walker himself, was in. And thus it looks like I'm in for a few decades of crummy movie viewing! (oh dear...I wrote this before his untimely demise...he was a beautiful man...let's move on...#snifflepoo)

In an aside, I bet if Lawrence of Arabia had hot rods and a rag tag bunch of thieves and butch girls he really could have brought those Nazi no goodniks to heel a lot quicker! And maybe avoided that unseemly bit of buggery in the process. Hello what's this? Wrong war? He did have a rag tag crew? I'll move on.

Fast Sexy,  I mean 6...pardon me if I get distracted it's just that every time I watch Paul Walker I swoon a little. I just hope he makes more movies set in snowy locales cause he looks adorbs in sweaters. I know I know...why do you want to cover up those abs??!! Well I love abba dabbas as much as the next chachi but you don't have to expose them all the time am I right? A little mystery! So if Hollyweird is listening, how bout Eight Below 2, with Walker co-starring with a super cute dog? (oh dear god, no chance of that now huh? If only he were still with us so that could actually happen...let's move on. #grieving  #snotrag #blowsnose)

Canary Isles! Great place to open the flick, the sunshine and seascapes evoke memories of Into the Blue, where Walker's torso was in delicious flagrante and Alba's bottom was bouncy like a wondrous brown bottom should be! Pauly poo and that hulking oaf Vin Diesel are careening down a cute road at a terrific rate of speed, and I'm aghast. Didn't we learn from one of the other films that he's a father now? A family man? Is this childish race really worth whatever thrills you get from it when you're not only putting the lives of lovely little Canary Islanders in danger, but risking leaving your family without a father? (Oh geezy petes this is so sad to read in retrospect...if only the perils of reckless driving had been highlighted before Walker's tragic example!! Let's move on...#hungry #wantcheese)

I'm bored as the opening credits roll - they appear to be a commercial for the series I'm already watching. Also the song sucks. Also Tokyo is disgracefully omitted and Nathalie Kelley is nowhere to be seen. I can see now why the Biebers of the world embody the lifestyle these loathesome films celebrate. The music, clothes, cars and actions are all trashy and low class! I can't believe I'm watching this when I could be watching MacGruber again.

Moscow! What could be worse than Napoleon burning you to the ground? The Rock bulldozing his way through ludicrous scenes in your city! Gina Carrano is also involved, which reminds me that I would be better off watching Haywire, far and away Steven "Adulterer" Soderbergh's finest film (do any of his other flix have Tatum and Fassbender? Case closed! #boner)

The Rock abuses a prisoner in a lame rip-off of the great torture scene from Blue Streak, Martin Lawrence's magnum opus. Belie Dat! That reminds me, Luke Wilson really should move to TV and make CSI: El Paso like he once mused. I'd watch it instead of the Fast movies that's for damn sure!

Why is the Rock destroying Interpol's property? Aren't they on the same team? Can't he torture a suspect without wrecking furniture? What a goddamn amateur. I hope in one of the deleted scenes some pencil pusher in accounting tallies up the damage he did and cashiers him cuz he's not cost effective.

The Rock spouts some inanity, "If you want to catch wolves, you need wolves." Hmm really? Cuz that's not even remotely true. I'm no hunter (though I do love Ralph Lauren's latest fall line - all that flannel and aren't vests fun??) but did you know you can catch a wolf with a wolf trap? A rifle? Birds of prey can catch baby wolves and bears can handle wolves too. If fact wolves would be the last thing you would want to catch wolves: who would want to ally oneself with traitor wolves anyway? Let's move on... #thismoviesux

Oh gross - Vin Diesel is shirtless and he appears to have an outie. Can't we CGI out that belly button, Hollywood?? Thank god this horror show isn't in 3D. He drinks beer for breakfast and wears a wife beater, and in even worse news, Letty might be alive! Well I'm pretty sure we saw her die in an earlier movie, but the idiots who make this crap like to have it both ways. Vin's girlfriend is very understanding and gives Diesel her blessing to go after his dead ex, despite quitting her job and relocating from lovely Rio to tag along with this thoughtless gearhead. It's the most implausible thing in this entire film series so far.

Jordanna Brewster, relegated to nothing in this franchise, chooses to stay behind, deciding motherhood is more important than racing crap cars on crowded streets in far away lands. What a chump! Get your priorities straight babycakes! #fail

Things get even hotter when The Rock shoots a vending machine. This man is a menace to office supply. Don't let him near a Staples! He'll go bananas. 

SAS dude sets up an elaborate escape when it seems he just could have avoided his hideout, but I guess it's foolish to ask anything in this asinine spectacle to make even a shred of sense. Dear god, The Rock just jumped onto a speeding car and I wonder how anyone above the age of 9 could seriously enjoy these movies. Speaking of which, I really should be watching the Disney Channel instead of this, despite it being Tis free these days. Ashley Tisdale you are A List!!!

Oh sweet, Letty has amnesia! Finally a movie uses that plot device. I've always been astounded that no screenwriter ever thought to have a character lose their memory. Leave it to the geniuses behind this inane crap to finally utilize this utterly original and totally compelling plot device. In an unrelated aside, is there any way I can contract amnesia just in regards to having seen these films? (also my days as an altar boy, but that is neither here nor there. #frownyface)

(In another aside: dry cleaners look at you askance when you bring in soiled cassocks. Just clean it and save the questions, sir! You're not my therapist!! #fashiontip #protein)

Where was I? Ahh there's a flurry of car crashes but no worries, all of the main characters remain unhurt despite the high speed collisions. Real life is like that too, right? Can I count on the fact that if say I smashed my teal Porsche while travelling in excess of 100 miles per hour I would escape completely unharmed and good humored? Hypothetically speaking of course. (Oh whillickers that looks so insensitive now! I mean what are the odds I would use a Porsche as an example? Let's move on. #coroner)

Diesel performs surgery on himself while the rest of the gang chit chats. Is his body odor that bad? Even more astonishing - his wife beater is spotless. I'll swallow a lot of crap (I was in the merchant marine for a time after all...ok full disclosure, I was a stowaway as a teen #gulp), but the idea that a galoot like Diesel could spend a day racing and roughhousing and being shot and yet still emerge with a sparkly clean tank top is too much! Also tank tops are so gauche - why not dress him up in something fun to contrast with that stern demeanor of his?

Even more ludicrous than watching Diesel perform surgery on himself while the rest of the gang ignores him and plays Xbox is seeing pretty boy Paul Walker beat up three prison hooligans. I saw Blood In Blood Out: Bound by Honor, and teensy wee white boys like Walker don't kick gang members' asses, they drop to their knees and lick them clean. Those are the facts! I'm not making them up!

Diesel spouts some inanity: "You show me how you drive, I'll show you who you are." Umm, is this your way of telling us you're a reckless asshole likely to wind up dead in a smoldering wreck? (Omg is that insensitive? I wrote that before the incredibly reckless driving depicted onscreen resulted in one of the actors dying in real life...I mean who could have seen that coming?? #oopsiedaisy)

Here comes a ludicrous Mexican standoff scene, and I'm forced to recall Salma Hayek's bosom in After the Sunset in order to dispel the hideousness that is this movie. How in god's name did The Rock know to show up at that precise spot with a sniper's rifle? Oh what's that? It makes not an ounce of sense cuz this movie is geared towards brain dead idiots?  Thanks.

Hello, what's this? The SAS guy drives off, which means now Diesel can be shot without consequence - do they not know how standoffs work? Diesel remains alive and I continue to suffer.

Also the pawn shop is nothing but padding: they know who shot him, what are they looking for exactly? "Ok I'll talk - I sold it to some brown haired chick." "Aha!...wait we know that already...we know exactly who did it...it was Letty...what the fuck are we doing here?" The whole scene is superfluous and senseless, much like the existence of the vast majority of this planet. Zing! Take that earthlings!

"They got a tank!" Whoa! It's the first part of this movie that amused me! A tank busts out and crushes several cars (which I imagine resulted in the rather grisly deaths of many civilians #fun) until suddenly it hits Tyrese's car and...demolishes it? Steamrolls it? Leaves it and Tyrese mushed together in a crunchy mix of metal and talent-freepulp? Umm, not quite: it dents his bumper a little.

Wow, these a-holes even get into collisions with tanks and somehow emerge unscathed. Is that what real life if like? Could someone like Tyrese or, say, Paul Walker be involved in a high speed crash on public roads and simply walk away? I have my doubts. (Oh dear lord it is so spooky to read that now, in the aftermath of that tragic accident...they don't get to just walk away do they? #smushypoo #heartbreak #gross)

This latest and lamest chase scene culminates with Tyrese jumping from his car to Walker's and Diesel jumping and saving a flying Letty and several of our heroes' cars wrecking and at the end...everyone's unhurt! Hooray! Seat belts are for pussies!! Liberace acting straight was more believable than this crap, and speaking of crimes, when is Scott Bakula finally going to get the recognition he and his mustache deserve? The man can act! #totalpackage

Han and his gf talk of heading to Tokyo to start a new life after they get their pardons, which is as annoying as pleated pants (Come on guys!! Flat front only! We should not have to go over this anymore!!) but in the peerless Tokyo Drift he told Lucas Black it was his Mexico. Why can't these stupid movies even be consistent about their own crap? In Tokyo Drift he implied that he was running from the law, but in this shitty shitty bang bang it's his gf's whim. Fuckleducks!

The Rock continues his 'roid rage rampage and pulls a gun on the NATO commander in order to free the bad guy for the mere chance of earning pardons (in other words, it's asinine and I hate it) and saving Jordanna Brewster, who has been reduced to nothing in these films. Why didn't they just kill her off instead of Letty 4 films ago?

Carano's a traitor! Well of course if that's the case 90 percent of her actions/inaction in the preceding hour and a half don't make sense but jesus christ why bother? Oh great - now they've killed off both her and the hot brazilian chick, literally the only 2 characters in this movie I don't despise, aside from Han of course but they've rendered him idiotic. Isn't there anything fabulous in the world anymore?

How fucking long is this runway? This goddamn plane has been trying to get off the ground for 12 minutes - these are the most determined yet clueless pilots alive. The plane explodes and a car explodes and Diesel disappears in a cloud of fire and shrapnel but...whoa! You mean he emerges totally unscathed? Michael Bay just left the stage in protest at this overblown bullshit.

So this collection of thieving, reckless driving assholes get the pardon they wanted, but apparently living the life in a tropical paradise, Tom Cruise in Cocktail style, but with the millions of dollars they stole, was so terrible they opt to return to some shitbox in L.A. cuz...family? Umm if living in some dump in Los Angeles is so fucking great, why the hell did they embark on a life of crime for in the first place? Just make the sandwich shop work and spare the rest of us your shenanigans! #dickweeds

Ohh wait...everyone except Han is content in Smog City...he wants to go to Tokyo...which makes no sense cuz:

A. He's never been there before and has no friends/connections/financial interest.
B. He's free and not on the run despite what he told Lucas Black in Tokyo Drift.
C. It was his girlfriend's idea and she's dead and not Japanese so why the fuck is he going there???

Is it foolish to hope that Fast 7 will be just 7 minutes long and consist of Jason Statham handsomely killing everybody from the first 6? (Except for Lucas Black and Nat Kelley of course...maybe he can take them out for fish and chips and discuss philosophy and olympic diving for awhile.)

Tyrese says grace to bring this horrible spectacle to a close, and after the usual trite nonsense about family and love etc says, "Most of all, thank you for fast cars." Huh? Most of all? Out of everything in the whole wide world, like velvet and stubble and short shorts, you're most thankful for fast cars? Not the the Civil Rights Act or internet porn? Not rainbows or glory holes? Has this man lived at all??

Why not extol sound and safe modes of transportation instead, Tyrese?? Maybe give a shout out to the environment? One of these days you or one of your co-stars are gonna hurt by someone with your reckless disregard for the public. Think about all the pedestrians and passengers you are putting at risk. Infants in car seats and little girls on their way to soccer practice! Heavens to Betsy it might even be you or Diesel or even Paul Walker who dies. (Oh wowsers I sure nailed that one didn't I? Fiery wreck! What a terrible way to go! #tacky)

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART I: THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS>>

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART II: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS>>

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART III: TOKYO DRIFT>>

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART IV: FAST AND FURIOUS>>

<<CLICK HERE FOR PART V: FAST FIVE>>

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